


Healing Isn't Linear

by Fvtvrecatlady



Series: Nonlinear [1]
Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Recreational Drug Use, Suicide Attempt, all i know is that tyrell loves elliot, because there was a distinct LACK of flipper and that was damn disrespectful, dom and darlene are GIRLFRIENDS, flipper is elliot's emotional support animal that he brings everywhere, i have no idea what to rate this, i love all of these people, i love flipper, i love krista, my attempt at what goes on in therapy, will there be porn? not sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 65,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21924067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fvtvrecatlady/pseuds/Fvtvrecatlady
Summary: Elliot Alderson saved the world, but what comes next after saving the world? Lot's of therapy and healing. But to Elliot's dismay, the world the Mastermind left behind for him isn't quite all it's chalked up to be. And now Elliot needs to learn how to live again. And no matter how much he tells himself, he’s not alone. This is a story about Elliot and the people who love him.April 28th 2020 - Hello as of this date I am editing this work for grammar and typos but maybe I'll add a little bit more. The plot isn't going to change, everything will be the same, but I'm thinking of adding more detail. So if you wanna give this a little reread, be my guest. I am definitely going to add more to the later chapters and write more because I wrote those chapters in a time of stress and wanting to get the story off my chest, so expect more.July 29th, 2020 - MAJOR changes to chapter 13. well, not changes, but like more content. Okay enjoy.
Relationships: Darlene Alderson & Elliot Alderson, Darlene Alderson/Dominique DiPierro, Elliot Alderson/Tyrell Wellick
Series: Nonlinear [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1583617
Comments: 48
Kudos: 196





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody. As many of you are, I am emotionally destroyed after the series finale of Mr. Robot. I thought it was a beautiful ending, but just because it was a great ending doesn't mean I didn't have any critiques. Like there are so many unanswered questions and I don't think I'm going to answer them all in my shitty writing, but I really felt like writing this out. I think this is going to be multi-chaptered but also I haven't written ANYTHING in i dont even remember how many years so this is gonna be rough and I might give up. Anyway, I love Tyrell and I refuse to believe he's dead. Anyway, enjoy my shitty writing.

Being virtually asleep for a year was a strange thing. Well, more like trapped, he thought, trying to wrestle the little cairn terrier in his arms. For an emotional support dog, she didn’t really know how to keep still.

“Elliot, are you still with me?” 

Elliot looked up from Flipper and at his therapist, Krista. Her arms were folded across her lap, and a patient look was on her face. “Oh, sorry. She kept squirming. I lost my train of thought.” he flushed. “What was I talking about?” 

“You were talking about how Darlene wants you to move in with her.” Krista prompts.

“Oh, yeah. Um. Darlene thinks it would be good for me. Or for us, I guess? For us to live together.” Elliot responds. “She says with both of our paychecks we can afford somewhere nice, closer to Manhattan.”

“And what do you think about moving in with Darlene?”

Before Elliot responds, Flipper wiggles around some more and with an exasperated sigh, he places Flipper onto the ground. Seemingly happy with her placement, she plops herself down and curls around his feet. He leans down and scritches behind her ears. He loves his fussy dog. “I… I don’t know if I want to.” He responds truthfully. “I think she thinks that if we live together I can’t isolate myself because she’ll always be there to make sure I actually leave the house.”

“Do you not get out of the house?” Krista asks, even though he knows damn well she already knows the answer. He says so and she gives him a pointed look.

“Okay, okay. I guess not. I mean I do go out, like to walk Flipper. But I guess, no. Unless Darlene drags me outside to do something with her and Dom, then I guess I don’t really go out. I mean I freelance, I don’t exactly have to leave my apartment to go to a job everyday...” he admits, trailing off into his own thoughts. 

“I understand why.” she says, bringing him back into the world. “It’s hard, adjusting to a world so different than the one you remember.” She reaches over to his file on the coffee table and opens it. “The Mastermind kept you under for quite a while. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed.”

He doesn’t understand how Krista can read his thoughts so he just stares at her in bewilderment. She understands he thinks that so she patiently waits for his response, staring kindly into his eyes.

“It’s just… weird. Like the world is so much better now, there’s an even distribution of wealth, nobody seems to be worried about debt or anything and it’s great knowing that Darlene and the Mastermind did that. But in return, everybody I know and love is dead except Darlene. I killed Angela because I brought her into this.” Krista opens her mouth to say something but Elliot keeps going, unaware of her and just truly venting. “And I get it, the Mastermind did this, but the Mastermind is me. He used my body to make my future better and it is better in some ways but in more ways it’s just so shitty. I lost and killed so many people inadvertently and inadvertently. I broke the trust of so many good people. I drugged a woman to get information, I left Tyrell to die alone in the forest. And everybody tells me I’m some kind of savior but I don’t feel like one. I’ve done some really bad things. You know that. I feel like a fraud and I feel as alone as I did before he put me under.” He doesn’t realize he’s crying until Krista hands him a tissue. “Thank you.” he whispers, taking it, wiping his face. 

“Elliot. You may have done all those things, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of love and friendship and belongingness. As is the case with your past as well. You keep beating yourself up over things you had no control over, literally. Nobody blames you for their deaths. Just ask Darlene. And as we already discussed, Tyrell Wellick is alive, Elliot. He’s the CEO of E-Corp. You didn’t leave him to die. He made it alive.” Krista states. “On the subject of Tyrell Wellick, have you contacted him since waking up?”

The name Tyrell sends shivers down his spine. He’s not sure why. “No. Why would I? I’m nobody.” he says. “I don’t think we have business talking to each other.”

“I’m just saying it may make his presence more salient. Just as visiting Angela’s grave was to make her death more salient to you.” Krista suggests. “And you’re not nobody to him. Before the Mastermind took charge, you told me you and Tyrell knew each other previously, Very well in fact.”

Elliot flushes at the memory of Tyrell, but all of those memories were distant now. He had actually cut things off with Tyrell before the Mastermind took over. He couldn’t handle being a side piece: second best. Not that he wasn't used to that feeling. But it got too much, being a distraction from Tyrell’s drive to dominate the corporate world. There’s a reason why the Mastermind had him marry Angela over and over again in his mind prison. He loved Angela. No scratch that, he loves Angela. Angela never hurt him. He remembers Tyrell being in this world as well, but they never initiated anything, even though there was an itch in the back of his head urging him on, but along with the constant headaches in that world, he thought nothing of it. The fact that the Mastermind and Tyrell even interacted with one another embarrasses him. The things he said to Tyrell as the Mastermind make his skin crawl with a mixture of guilt and embarrassment. He wonders deep down if he meant those things he said, because after all, the Mastermind _is_ him. Those words were rooted deep down somewhere in his psyche. “I don’t know if I can face him.” Elliot admits. “I hurt him.”

“Only because he hurt you.” Krista supplies. “You talked very extensively about your breakup with him during our sessions.” She straightens and looks him in the eyes. “But Elliot, if you don’t want to talk to him, that’s fine. You can move onto a new chapter in your life as we have been trying to get you to do. But that takes time and it isn’t a detriment if you feel like you take a step forward but then two steps back. Healing isn’t linear. But I would consider Darlene’s arrangement. It doesn’t seem so bad. You two clearly do care for each other very much and I think she would be much more helpful in your healing process if she was directly available to you. And she clearly doesn’t mind, Elliot. It wouldn’t have to be forever either, you could try it out and if you didn’t like this living situation you could move out.”

It made Elliot feel dumb when Krista put it that way. But he guesses that’s what therapists are for, to tell you the most straightforward way of going through things when your mentally ill mind can’t see it. A way through the trees to see the forest. Oh God, why is he thinking about forests. “Yeah, but I don’t want to be a burden.” he admits again, sheepishly. 

“You are never a burden Elliot.” Krista says, her eyes soft. “I’m sorry that your circumstances made you feel that way.” Her eyes drifted over to the clock on the wall. “Oh shoot, we’re out of time. But we can keep this going at your next session if you want?”

Elliot nods as he gets up from the sofa. Flipper jumps straight to attention, tail wagging, ready to get out of the office. “Yeah. I think so.” he responds, trying not to step on Flipper excitedly weaving around his legs. “I think… I’ll consider Darlene’s offer. I still don’t know if I want to, but you’re right, she probably wants me there.”

Krista smiles at that. “That’s good. See you next week Elliot.” Elliot shrugs on his coat and heads out of Krista’s apartment, into the brisk early March air. He pulls out his phone and reads a text from Darlene asking if he wants to join her and Dom for dinner tonight. 

**To Darlene Anderson**

_Can i bring flipper?_

**From Darlene Anderson**

_What kind of question is that? Ofc u can. She is the light of my life. I’m only inviting you to dinner bc i want to see my true love._

**To Darlene Anderson**

_Wow. I knew you only loved me for my dog._

**From Darlene Anderson**

_Guilty as charged. I hope you’re craving chinese for dinner bc that’s what we’re having btw._

Elliot smiles down at his phone and begins to text back, but suddenly he bumped into something, dropping his phone and almost tripping over Flipper, who lets out a little yelp. 

“Oh, shit sorry. I should have watched where I was–” but he stopped once he heard a familiar voice.

“Elliot?”

He looked up. Their eyes met. He’d recognize those eyes anywhere. He doesn’t say anything. He just continues to stare.

“It really is you.” Tyrell says. “Bonsoir, Elliot.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tyrell and Elliot have an awkward conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello friends. I had more in my brain so I dumped it here. Thank you for the few who are still reading this garbage. Again, none of this is edited, so sorry my dudes.

“You’ve said that before.” Is all Elliot can say, still staring dumbly at Tyrell. He makes no move to pick up his phone, so Tyrell bends down for him and picks it up for him. The screen is cracked but Elliot doesn’t think about it. Because he’s here. Tyrell is here. In front of him. His heart is racing. He can't stop staring directly at him, an anomaly since he can barely look anyone in the eye. But there's something about Tyrell that commands it of him. The Mastermind never felt this way about Tyrell, did he? He showed Elliot everything that happened while he was under, but he never got a hint about the Mastermind’s emotions towards Tyrell, other than indifference and annoyance. Was the Mastermind trying to protect Elliot from Tyrell? Did the Mastermind remember how Tyrell broke his heart? “On the phone, when you called me in prison.” 

Elliot looks up and down frantically at Tyrell. He looks, different. More relaxed. He’s growing a beard, cropped close to the face and clean. He’s still in his usual sharp exec suit, but his entire aura is just relaxed. Elliot feels the exact opposite of relaxed. He’s pretty sure that if his chest wasn’t keeping his heart in his body, it would have leapt out and run in the other direction. 

“Hm, really?” Tyrell says, looking all nonchalant (Elliot hates how composed he is). “I suppose though, I say that a lot to you. Here, you dropped this. You look… different. No hoodie huh.” He hands Elliot his cracked phone and their fingers brush against each other. He feels a jolt of electricity run through him and immediately scolds himself for being so nervous. Does Tyrell feel it too? Even after he left him out in the cold to die? And his clothes? He looks down at his clothes, like he forgot what he put on this morning. Oh yeah, no more hoodies. That was more of the Mastermind’s style. He’s wearing an actual coat, a nice one Darlene bought him as a belated Christmas present.

“I thought you died.” Elliot blurts out and God, why the fuck did he say that? It’s obvious he didn’t die. He’s the goddamn CEO of E-Corp, everybody knows that. “I mean, I thought that. But clearly, you’re not dead. You’re very alive. But the woods. We were in the middle of the woods and nobody was around so I thought you died. But you’re not dead. I’m glad you’re not dead.”

Tyrell looks bemused, but his smirk doesn’t quite make his eyes. Elliot’s seen that before. Most of Tyrell’s smiles don’t make his eyes, especially when he’s doing business and dealing with a bunch of idiots. But he never did that with Elliot, even when everything broke down he didn’t do that. It makes his heart sink. His heart is doing a lot of things right now and he would prefer it not to. He has to get out of this situation quick. 

“No. I suppose I’m not. A hunter found me in the woods and he took me to the hospital and I lived. I was very lucky.” Tyrell replies. “You, on the other hand, were very busy I take it. I was quite shocked to see your name plastered all over the news for saving the world. Shocked, but not surprised. I always knew you had it in you.” Tyrell steps closer and it feels too intimate, especially in the middle of the sidewalk. Elliot feels way too hot. “You stopped Whiterose, that’s all I could have asked for.” 

Elliot looks down at Flipper, who’s patiently sitting at their feet, wagging her tail. What would Krista tell him to do in this situation? He wants to run away but that wouldn’t be cool at all. He looks around to see if Mr. Robot is there, but he isn’t. He hasn’t shown up in a while. Ever since he woke up, things have been quiet. Too quiet. 

“What are you doing here?” Elliot immediately feels stupid for asking the question. It’s New York. It’s a big city, Tyrell is allowed to walk wherever he wants.

“Just getting coffee.” Tyrell replies. “Then I’m heading back to work.” Elliot looks at Tyrell’s hand. Starbucks. Tyrell always loved Starbucks, even when Elliot told him it was the shittest coffee. But why was Tyrell getting coffee? Didn’t he usually have his assistants get him coffee? Don’t overthink this, Tyrell was not out on the streets actively looking for Elliot.

“It’s good to see you.” Tyrell says, breaking Elliot from his thoughts. “You look different. Like the old you.” Elliot continues to stare at him, he doesn’t know what to say. Tyrell can sense the awkwardness, and says, “Well, it was good seeing you Elliot. Thank you for saving the world.”

He begins to leave but Elliot finally musters something to say, “I didn’t mean it.” It stops Tyrell in his tracks, he turns and looks at Elliot, confused. “What I said in the woods. I didn’t mean it. I care about you. It wasn’t even me saying it. It was him.”

Tyrell looks confused, his brow furrowed. “What? Who said what? Mr. Robot?”

This is getting too hard. But he can’t stop now. “No. The Other One. The Mastermind. But I don’t think he meant it either?” Elliot sighs, frustrated. “It’s too much to explain other than I’m really fucked up. I fucked up and I’m sorry. I get if you never want to talk again.” Feeling flustered, Elliot turns around to walk away but he feels a hand on his arm.

“Wait. Elliot.” He turns around and they are way too close again. He’s pretty sure Tyrell can feel his heartbeat through his hand on his arm. “I don’t understand. But I want to understand.” Elliot can feel his breath on his skin. “Please.”

“I - now?” Elliot stammers out. Elliot can't help but glance at Tyrell's lips before adverting his gaze to the side. He hopes Tyrell didn't see.

“Now. Or later.” Tyrell supplies, giving Elliot a little distance. Perhaps he realized he was making Elliot uncomfortable, but since when did Tyrell care about Elliot’s comfort? Memories of Tyrell wanting to strangle the Mastermind in Elliot’s apartment resurface.

“Not now. I uh. Dinner.” Wow Elliot, way to form coherent sentences. “I have plans. I’m going to eat dinner. With Darlene and Dom. So not now?” Elliot looks down at his cracked phone screen and quickly unlocks it. “Your number? So maybe we could talk later? You probably have a new phone.” He leaves out “because the Mastermind took it” from that sentence. Elliot's pretty sure he still has the phone, stored away in his apartment for safe keeping. Safe keeping from what, he'll never know.

For some reason that catches Tyrell off guard, which isn’t something Elliot has been privy to much. It’s fascinating to see. Wordlessly, he takes Elliot’s phone and enters in his contact information. It reminds Elliot of the first time they met, except it ended with him taking Tyrell back to his apartment and getting the living daylights fucked out of him before he got Tyrell’s number. Way less awkward than what was happening right now. He watches Tyrell send a text to himself and with that, he handed the phone back.

“Bonsoirm Elliot.” Tyrell says, and with that, he turns around with shitty coffee in hand. Elliot watches him turn the corner and the minute Tyrell is out of his sight, he picks up Flipper, and runs as fast as he can to Darlene’s apartment.

It isn’t until he’s at the front steps of her apartment does he realize he forgot the subway exists. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that Darlene and Dom will be in the next chapter (if I upload another chapter lol)! But don't worry Domlene stans (unless I never update), it will happen!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Elliot gets crossed with Darlene and Dom and pain comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Friends! Happy Holidays! I personally celebrate Christmas so let's just say this is my Christmas gift to you! We finally have Dom and Darlene in the picture! Full disclosure, this is my first time writing in a really long time. I used to be a heavy writer. I would write every day and I would write like full on novels but I kind of gave up because I was like wow I'm shit and terrible but idk all your nice feedback and kudos has been wonderful! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

He frantically rings on Darlene’s doorbell. It’s excessive but he doesn’t care. The intercom statics alive with Darlene’s voice distorted by the scratchiness. “Oh my God, what the fuck is your problem? Who is this?”

“Darlene, it’s me, open up.” 

“Are you okay? Is something wrong?” Darlene asks, all annoyance gone and replaced with worry. 

“Just open the door. Please.” Elliot replies, now feeling silly and suddenly aware of how out of breath and sweaty he is. 

“Jesus, okay, okay.” The door buzzes and Elliot swings the door open. Thank God Darlene lives on the second floor. He feels like he’d pass out if he had to go up more than three flights of stairs. He finally looks down and Flipper and she looks like she has whiplash.

“Oh shit, sorry Flipper.” he says. “You probably need to pee and not be held as I run across the entirety of New York.” But he doesn’t put her down. She gives him a sense of security. 

When he reaches the top of the stairs, he sees Darlene standing in the hallway with her apartment door open. 

“Jesus, you look terrible.” she says. “It looks like you ran a marathon without any of the preparation. Also, why are you here so early? I haven’t even put in the order yet.”

“Wow, thanks.” Elliot replies, finally putting Flipper down. She wobbles a bit from her disorientation but then quickly runs to Darlene, who let’s Flipper into the apartment.

“What the fuck is up with you?” Darlene asks, standing aside to let Elliot in. He walks right past her, shrugs off his coat and plops onto the sofa. He realizes how sweaty he is so he takes off his sweater and throws it off somewhere. Darlene goes into the kitchen and fills up a glass of water and hands it to Elliot.

“I ran into Tyrell.” Elliot pants. He takes the glass and chugs, setting it down when it’s empty. He doesn’t see Darlene’s reaction. “Like I literally ran into him. I was texting you and then I ran into him and dropped my phone.”

“So dropping your phone caused you to run all the way here from your therapist appointment.” Darlene says dryly, taking a seat next to Elliot on the sofa. 

“No. Uh. We talked.” Elliot replies. He catches how Darlene stills, her eyes flinty. “And I told him I was sorry for everything I said to him in the woods and I vaguely told him that it wasn’t me but now he’s all confused and wants to talk to me” 

“So you’re going to tell him about the Mastermind?” Darlene says. “Are you sure? Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t but I know you have a hard time just generally talking about what happened in 2015.”

“I don’t know Darlene. I wasn’t planning on even running into him or contacting him.” Elliot says, he feels himself getting really anxious thinking about it. His hands are shaking. Darlene notices and puts her hand in his. “But I feel like he deserves to know who that was and what was happening to me. He’s the only one alive left that I can explain myself to.”

“But the thing is, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone if you don’t want to.” Darlene interjects. “And I’m not saying you have to be ashamed of what happened or of your DID, but Tyrell was a fucking prick. Still is. All those corporate scumbags still are even if we created a brand new world. And from all the things you told me about him before the switch happened, I don’t think he deserves any part of you.”

He remembers before the switch happened, when he was all alone. Darlene moved out of New York and things ended with Tyrell because Tyrell couldn’t handle somebody as unhinged as Elliot. He remembered he tried killing himself in his apartment before the switch. He was so alone. Nobody loved him. He never told Darlene. He doesn’t know if he wants to tell her. She already feels so guilty about leaving him in the first place. But he guesses the cuts weren’t deep enough or maybe he was too loud in his anguish so Shayla found him in a pool of his own blood. She dragged him out of his shower and bandaged him up. He cried the whole time. Soul wrenching sobs and Shayla did her best to soothe him, holding him against her body like a mother for her child. He remembers Mr. Robot standing there, helpless. Maybe that’s why the Mastermind took over, the tipping point. After the attempt, Shayla camped out in his apartment, forcing him to call in sick to work and took care of him the whole time. She didn’t offer him morphine or any other drugs. She just sat with him and made sure he was okay, even if he laid in bed and refused to move the days he was excused from work. Wow, he missed Shayla. He missed Shayla a lot. She was such a good person. He killed her. It was his fault he was dead. Everything was his fault.

“Elliot!” He was thrown from his spiral and his eyes focused back onto Darlene. “Hey, dude. It’s okay. Take some deep breaths.” He didn’t notice he was hyperventilating until now. Jesus, he was a fucking wreck. “We don’t have to talk about this, if you don’t want to.” He watched her eyes search around the room. “Hey, let’s go take Flipper out for a walk and on the way we can stop at the bodega on the corner and buy some booze. Dom’s been taking it pretty rough ever since she returned back to work. Girl really needs to take a chill pill and what’s more chill than booze, weed, and Chinese?” He wasn’t dumb, he knew that her referring to Dom needing a chill pill was also code for “and you too”. But she was right. He needed to chill the fuck out. He nodded wordlessly and she got up from the sofa and pulled her coat on from the coat rack facing the wall. 

“Also dude, when we come back, you gotta take a shower. You stink.” 

For the first time that day, he laughed out loud.

* * *

He was lying on the floor of Darlene’s apartment. The world was fuzzy and God, it felt so good. And the best part of it all, he had a wee baby in his arms. His baby. His Flipper. Oh God, he loved this dog. Every single time that thought crossed his mind, he said it out loud. He’s pretty sure Dom and Darlene took several pictures of him based on their snickering.

The couple were on the couch currently arguing about what Alexa should play next. “Babe, this is not a ballad sort of night!” Darlene cries, covering Dom’s mouth so she can’t command anymore love ballads. “We should play something that will blast our ears off. Like hardcore metal.”

Dom rips Darlene’s hand off her mouth. “You said I need to chill. What part of chill is playing hardcore metal that will for sure damage our eardrums and render Elliot’s baby deaf?”

“Oh no, my baby.” Elliot murmurs, pulling Flipper closer to his chest while trying to cover her ears. The girls laugh at him and Elliot can’t help but crack a dopey smile. Wow, when did the floor become so comfortable? Maybe he should convince Darlene to just let him live on her floor. He can pay rent for the square footage his body takes up. He didn’t realize he said that out loud until he hears Darlene laugh and reply,

“If that’s what’ll convince you to move in together, then I’ll take it.” She takes a sip of her lukewarm beer and pops the last bite of crab rangoon into her mouth. 

“Oh, wow, Elliot, you’re moving in?” Dom asks. “That’s so great. Babe, tell him that’s great.” 

“That’s great.” Darlene parrots, leaning over and pecking Dom on the lips. Damn they’re cute. He wishes he wasn’t so alone. He also hopes he didn’t say that out loud, but they don’t react so he’s safe in that regard. 

“I’m not moving in. I haven’t actually decided if I want to move in.” Elliot clarifies. It’s best not to make serious decisions when he’s inebriated. He knows better, he thinks. On instinct he waits for Mr. Robot or somebody in his brain to chime in, but nobody does. ‘Oh, God, stop thinking about how lonely you are, you’re pathetic, wishing for an imaginary person.’ he thinks. 

But instead of ruminating on his loneliness, he blurts out. “Should I download Tinder?”

Darlene lights up. “Oh my God, if you make a Tinder I want to make your bio.” She scrambles out of Dom’s embrace and joins Elliot on the floor. “Gimme your phone. Let’s do it right now.”

Elliot sets Flipper down to the side and starts to roll away from Darlene, forgetting he has legs and could easily walk or crawl away from Darlene. Oh God, ever since he stopped using morphine his tolerance for the weaker shit like weed and alcohol has gone downhill. How does that even happen. “Hey, hey, hey. I didn’t say, I’m making a Tinder. I asked, ‘should I make a Tinder?’ And now I’m thinking it’s a bad idea because of how eager you are.” 

“Boo, you’re no fun. Dom, use your amazing FBI skills to wrestle Elliot and get his phone for me.” Darlene declares, lunging lazily at Elliot attempting to steal his phone from him.

“Nope, I think this is your battle. Good luck babe.” Dom replies, reaching for a takeout container of beef lo mein and sneakily feeding Flipper a piece of beef while the Alderson siblings sadly wrestle on the floor. 

“What’s the point of having a hot FBI girlfriend if she’s not going to fight my own brother for me?” Darlene cries out. 

“There really isn’t really any point in me making a Tinder,” Elliot finally stands up, retreating to the kitchen island. He finally remembered he has feet. “Who would want to date a fucking depressed psycho anyway?”

It is at that moment he realizes he said something a bit too serious because the cheer quickly vanishes from the room and he realizes the two women are staring at him with pity. Nobody in the room knows what to say anymore. He notices that Darlene is fuming. She gets up from the floor and stalks towards him. “Tyrell had no fucking right to say that about you or any of the previous people you dated. They’re fucking wrong.”

“Darlene, it’s okay, it's just a jo–” 

“No it’s fucking not!” she screams, slamming her fist against the wall. Dominique gets up from the couch and walks towards her girlfriend but Darlene continues. “I fucking hate every single person who’s told you that, you know that? I hate that you think that about yourself! I hate that you don’t see how fucking awesome you are and sure I’m fucking biased but I hate this ‘I’m not worthy of love’ shit because GUESS WHAT ELLIOT, you totally fucking are and I’m just so fucking angry at Mom and Dad and Tyrell and just I don’t know, EVERYBODY for making you feel this way.” She’s really close to him now. Inches away. He can see the tears in her eyes. She says the next bit quieter. “And I hate that I made you feel that way by leaving. I hate that I contributed to your self-loathing. I’m so sorry Elliot.”

She collapses against him and starts crying in earnest. On instinct he wraps his arms around her. “Hey, hey, shhh.” he murmurs into her hair. He makes eye contact with Dom, who looks worried out of her mind. They stay like that for a moment until Darlene calms down, none of them moving from their spots. 

“Wow, sorry about that.” Darlene says, her voice cracking. “That was fucking weird.” She moves away from Elliot and sits back down onto the sofa, Dom following her still concerned.

“Hey, no. That’s okay. Thanks for saying that.” Elliot replies. “I guess you’re right. About all of that.”

“When isn’t she right?” Dom slyly jokes, kissing Darlene’s forehead. 

“Hey, I’m not _always_ right.” Darlene argues. “Unless we’re arguing then I’m right.” Elliot smiles to himself. They’re so happy. He’s so happy Darlene is happy. She deserves to be happy. They’ve both been sad and miserable for so long. At least one of them deserves this kind of happiness. He almost expects to hear Mr. Robot whisper “you do too, kiddo.” but it never comes. 

“Anyway, want to get even more high and watch the Eric Andre Show?” Darlene asks, picking up the bong on the coffee table in front of her and already stuffing it with fresh green. 

“Okay, yeah, sure.” Elliot replies, taking a seat next to Dom on the sofa. Darlene hands him the bong and a lighter and he takes the first hit.

* * *

“I must be made of so much money.” Elliot thinks on the taxi ride home. He’s still a little high and drunk from hanging out with Darlene and Dom. His head rests against the cool window of the taxi. God, that feels good. Flipper is sleeping peacefully on his lap, tired out from the commotion at Darlene’s place. Before, he would have never had enough money to justify getting a taxi. He would usually stumble inebriated onto the subway and try to find his way home (he suddenly remembers the Mastermind took the taxi, but only if he thought somebody was following him). 

He takes out his phone to check the time but instead frowns at his cracked phone screen. He’s going to have to take it in to fix it. Or he could look up how to do it by himself. If he could take down major corporations, he can surely fix his own phone screen. 

His phone suddenly buzzes from an unknown number.

_Hi Elliot. It’s Tyrell. I hope you’re doing well. It was good seeing you._

His phone buzzes again. The same number.

_I missed you._

The taxi comes to a stop and Elliot scans his E-Wallet to pay. He doesn’t know how to respond, so he puts his phone in his coat pocket and walks up to his apartment. He unleashes Flipper, who immediately runs onto Elliot’s bed and falls asleep. Elliot starts to get ready for bed the entire time, his mind is lost in thought.

The Mastermind told him that Tyrell did love him. Or he seemed to show a fervent love for the Mastermind. The way Tyrell loved the Mastermind was never in a way Tyrell was with Elliot before the Mastermind took over. Tyrell seemed to be energized by the rage the Mastermind had, the drive he had to change the world no matter the cost. This new Elliot seemed to spark something in Tyrell. Tyrell only gave his love to people he knew were powerful. He was worshipful of the Mastermind. They were Gods together. But Elliot is no God. He’s just a man.

A sad, unremarkable man.

Elliot lays in bed, staring at the ceiling. His apartment is quiet except for the sound of his computer monitor whirring and Flipper’s tiny snores. He doesn’t know how long he stares at the ceiling, resisting the urge to text Tyrell back. It isn’t until he’s barely conscious does he reach over to his phone, unlock it, and text Tyrell back. 

**To Tyrell Wellick**

_I wish you missed who I actually am._

He hits send and immediately falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Comments and kudos are always appreciated but if you're reading this, thank you for even reading my silly little story. I hope I got the characterization right! See you in the next update!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Elliot goes for a jog and catches up with old friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody! I hope you all had great holidays! It's the first day of Kwanzaa so if you celebrate that, happy Kwanzaa! And I know Hanukkah is still going on so happy Hanukkah! I've been watching Mr. Robot again for "research" and the writing is just brilliant. They were telling us the end at the beginning of the series and us dummies didn't realize it! Genius! But anyway, enjoy this chapter!

His alarm blares exactly at 6:00 am. Elliot’s eyes snap open and he reaches over to his phone to turn off the alarm, specifically making sure to not actually read the messages, if Tyrell even texted back at all. His entire body aches. That’s what he got for running across the city to Darlene’s place. But he’ll power through the pain. He has to get his run in.

Ever since he came back to his own body, he’s been running every day in the morning. Before the switch and most definitely during the Mastermind’s occupation did his body run for fun. Not that he wasn’t capable of running, but the idea of being outside made his skin crawl. Okay, let’s be honest, it still makes his skin crawl, but that’s why he does it early in the morning, so there’s a distinct lack of people outside. Krista told him physical activity might help with his anxiety. He’s not so sure if it actually helps with his anxiety but it gives him a semblance of normality before he starts his day. 

He doesn’t take Flipper on his runs. She’d slow him down, especially with how far he goes. He tends to keep running until he feels like he’s going to die, then he goes home. Is this habit unhealthy, probably. Will he stop or tell Krista how far he’s pushing himself? Probably not.

But she does need to pee. So Elliot rolls out of bed, slips on a semblance of clothes and carries her outside to pee. He resists the urge to check his phone the entire time. Why the fuck did he say that to Tyrell? Why did he have to be all dramatic? This is what he gets for making impulse decisions. What the fuck is wrong with him, he thinks to himself as he picks up Flipper and takes her back inside. 

He slips on his gym shorts and a t-shirt and laces his running shoes up. The next step is actually putting his bluetooth earbuds in but that would mean going to his phone, unlocking it, and selecting music. And that would mean he’d see whether or not Tyrell texted back. And he doesn’t know if he can take it. As he exits his apartment, he finally takes his phone out of his pocket and turns it on.

Four missed calls, all from Tyrell. And two texts:

_What does that mean?_

_Elliot, please talk to me._

Fuck. He sends a text message to Darlene.

**To Darlene Alderson**

_I did something fucking stupid._

She doesn’t respond but he doesn’t think she would, she doesn’t have to be up for work at this time. He plays music and starts running. The entire time he tries to focus on his breathing and zoning out, but from time to time blips of thought peek through. Most of his thoughts are dedicated to Tyrell. What the fuck should he say to him? Does he even owe Tyrell an explanation? Yes he does. What if he thinks Elliot’s crazy? Oh, wait, he probably already thinks that. He knows Elliot’s crazy. He said so himself, when they broke up.

_“I fucking can’t stand you and your fucking moods.” Tyrell growls, grabbing Elliot by the collar. “I don’t fucking understand you. At one moment you’re all aloof and telling me you don’t give a shit about what I do, but then you lash out and act all hurt when I’m not sparing you attention or god forbid, fucking my own wife.”_

_Mr. Robot is standing right next to him. His fists curled and teeth mashing. “Don’t fucking take over.” Elliot hisses. “I can do this.”_

_“Don’t let this fucking cocksucker walk all over you!” Mr. Robot cries. “Who the fuck does he think he is anyway? Following you home like some jealous lover.”_

_“He’s not my lover.” Elliot replies._

_“Oh yeah, but you’re his fucking plaything.” That spurs Elliot on._

_“I’m tired of being your fucking plaything when you’re not whoring yourself out climbing the corporate ladder or escaping from your wife.” Elliot screams back. They’re in Elliot’s apartment, it’s late at night. They had just come from a corporate event hosted by E-Corp with AllSafe as guests. Gideon forced Elliot to go, but Elliot would have gone anyway, just to be around Tyrell. He’s fucking pathetic. And Tyrell was there with his wife, and they announced they were expecting. Elliot was crushed. He did a line of morphine in the bathroom and headed out, not thinking Tyrell would notice. Tyrell followed him home.“You’ll do just about anything, you fucking dick. Like follow me home. Really didn’t think your wife would notice?”_

_That earns Elliot a punch in the face. He staggers to the side and braces himself against the wall. Mr. Robot disappeared. Tyrell closes in on him. “Oh, so that’s what it’s about, huh?” he taunts. “You’re fucking jealous that I knocked up my wife, huh? Or that I go out and do what I have to fucking do to raise my family up. I never fucking promised you a fairytale Elliot. You knew what you were fucking doing when you begged me to take you home and fuck you senseless that first time. You fucking knew that this_ **_thing_ ** _between us means_ **_nothing_ ** _to me. I’m sorry that your_ **_pathetic_ ** _little life doesn’t compare to mine. I’m sorry that you’re absolutely nothing. Just an unhinged, psychotic, undriven nobody.”_

_Elliot looks up from the floor, which surprises him. He could never look anyone in the eyes. He doesn’t know what to say. Or do. The way Tyrell is looking at him makes him feel like he meant everything he said. And he can’t even rebute the exec because every single thing he said was right._

_He was nothing; is nothing. He is so loathsome, eventually everybody leaves him. He knows this is the end of them. This has to be the end. Why did he delude himself into thinking that whatever he and Tyrell were doing was meaningful, especially to the Swede himself?_

_He doesn’t realize he’s crying until Tyrell’s face changes from malice to regret. “Elliot, älskling I’m so–” He reaches towards Elliot’s face but Elliot wedges himself away from the wall, as far away as he can get from Tyrell._

_“Don’t fucking touch me.” Elliot hisses, closing in on himself. “You don’t get to do that anymore.”_

_“Elliot, please.”_

_“I don’t want to do this anymore.” Elliot interrupts. That stops Tyrell in his tracks. “This thing we’re doing, sneaking around and fucking and you pretending to love me, I don’t want this anymore. I’m done.” If Elliot didn’t know better, he’d think the expression on Tyrell’s face is of heartbreak._

_“Elliot, no please. I’m sorry. I–”_

_“Stop. Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear your excuses. Find some other insecure asshole to fuck around with because I’m fucking done. I’m tired of only being here to make you feel superior. I don’t want you to fucking talk to me again. I don’t want to fucking see you.” Elliot’s still crying. He quickly wipes his face with his sleeve. “Leave my fucking apartment. We’re fucking done.”_

_“Elliot–”_

_“LEAVE!”_

_Tyrell falls silent. Elliot looked away, trying to hold himself together. Tyrell does not get to see him fall apart. He doesn’t deserve the pleasure of doing so. But damn, is it hard to keep yourself together when everything in your being is falling apart. It barely feels like he’s breathing._

_He feels Tyrell stand there, staring at him. He refuses to look at him. He’s trying to be brave but he’s shaking. After what feels like years, he hears Tyrell’s footsteps walk towards the door, his hand resting on the doorknob._

_“Bonsoir, Elliot.” Is all Tyrell says. He hears the door swing open and gently close with a soft thud. The sound is deafening to Elliot’s ears. He finally lets go of himself, collapses on his couch, and cries. Mr. Robot appears at his bathroom’s door way, quietly walks to the couch, and sits down. For once, Mr. Robot is silent. He feels arms wrap around him and he leans his full weight into Mr. Robot, his body shaking with sobs._

_He doesn’t stop crying until the sun comes up. Mr. Robot never leaves his side._

Elliot doesn’t realize he’s having a panic attack until the memory stops and he finds himself leaning against a tree, struggling to keep himself upward. He looks around. He somehow made it to a park. 

What would Krista tell him? She would tell him to sit down and do those breathing exercises, okay, okay, let’s do that. He sits on the cold ground, leaning against the tree and closes his eyes and just breathes. In. Out. In. Out. Slower. In. Out. In. Out.

When he’s out of the thick of it, he reaches for his phone and checks the time. Oh shit, it’s almost 7:30. People are actually going to start coming outside. He can’t have anyone see him like this. His phone also shows him notifications he got in the last hour.

**From Darlene Alderson**

_What do you mean by fucking stupid?_

**From Tyrell Wellick**

_Elliot, please say something._

He doesn’t want to deal with either message, so he puts his phone back in his pocket and walks back home, barely aware of his surroundings.

“Hey, kiddo, we gotta make sure you know where you’re going.” Mr. Robot says, appearing next to Elliot and grabbing him by the arm to give him support. “Home is that way.”

“You’re here.” Elliot says incredulously. 

“Yeah, sorry. Been AWOL.” Mr. Robot replies. “We thought it would best for us to stay back for a while. Give you your life back without us meddling.”

“But now you’re here to meddle.” Elliot breathes out.

“No, to help.”

“Same thing.” Elliot says, just to be difficult. Mr. Robot doesn’t say anything. He looks up at Mr. Robot, who’s staring straight ahead. He looks worried. “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course. Now let’s get you back home.” Mr. Robot says. “Maybe actually get you to lie down. Or ice your entire body down because you really shouldn’t have been pushing yourself that hard.”

They’re finally at Elliot’s apartment. He lets Mr. Robot lead him in. “You hop into the shower, I’ll make you breakfast.” Elliot obeys wordlessly, stripping on his way there. He sets the water to cold and jumps a little getting in at first. Elliot rests his forehead against the tile and closes his eyes, trying not to concentrate on anything but the water flowing down his body. He should really get to work after this but he somehow knows Mr. Robot will tell him to lie down and rest instead.

He finally gets out of the shower and makes his way to his dresser to get dressed for the day. “Made you a bagel. And orange juice. You should eat.” Mr. Robot calls, filling Flipper’s bowl with food. 

Elliot finally takes a seat at his kitchen table and Mr. Robot sits across from him. They sit in silence as Elliot makes himself eat and Mr. Robot lights a cigarette. It’s just like old times. He wonders if by seeing Mr. Robot if that means he’s getting worse, that he’s slipping back. 

“It doesn’t mean you’re slipping.” Mr. Robot says, breathing out smoke. “It just means you need some assistance. Nothing wrong with a little help, kiddo.”

“You really don’t show up unless my sanity is slipping down the drain.” Elliot comments, finishing the bagel. 

“But you missed me.” Mr. Robot interjects. “You missed all of us. You forget we hear everything you think.”

Elliot ignores Mr. Robot and gets out of his chair and to his desktop, opening his email and checking in on his clients.

“Do you really think it’s a good idea to be working right now?” Mr. Robot calls from the kitchen table. “You literally almost passed out in the middle of the street about…” he looks at his watch. “An hour ago.”

“I’m fine.” Elliot mumbles.

“That’s the biggest life of the millenia.” 

“I don’t need your input.”

“Then why am I here?”

Elliot swivels around on his chair and faces Mr. Robot. Fuck, he forgot how annoying Mr. Robot can be. “I don’t fucking know, enlighten me.”

“Well, you’re clearly trying to avoid everything in your life currently.” Mr. Robot says, snubbing his cigarette out. “You know, by not texting Darlene or Tyrell back, not leaving the house, you know, the whole deal.” 

“Wow, okay. Tell me something new about myself.” Elliot snaps. 

“What I’m saying is that you gotta face all of this shit.” Mr. Robot replies, unbothered by Elliot’s temper. “Sooner rather than later, because if you let this shit fester, you’re just going to go back to how you were before. And that would be unfair to all of us, especially since we fought so hard to make this world better for you.”

“Oh, so did the Mastermind send you out here?” Elliot’s so angry, he hasn’t allowed himself to feel angry in a long time. “That coward who fucking locked me up in a fucking mind prison is unhappy with how I’m living my life? That fucker who basically destroyed my life trying to make it better? The bastard that tried to fucking take my life away from me? He has no right to be fucking angry or disappointed that I’m not thriving in this fucking world. No matter how much better he made this world, I’m still me. I’m still fucked up and now everybody I know and love are dead so pardon me for fucking being miserable.” He slumps back into his chair, exasperated and just fucking pissed. “If he’s so fucking unhappy about how I’m existing, he should have come out instead of hiding behind you.” he scoffs. “But he’s always been a coward, huh?”

“I tried my hardest, okay?” Elliot looks up and it’s him. He can’t believe it. It’s also really weird to see yourself talking to yourself. “But, you’re right, I fucked it all up.” He sees how nervous the Mastermind is, his hands are shaking and he avoids looking into Elliot’s eyes. “I just wanted the world to be better for you. You were so sad, you were just in so much pain and I couldn’t just stand by and let this happen to you. You hurt yourself so bad you ended up in a fucking coma and told nobody about it. You were just so ready to die, so I made somewhere perfect for you, somewhere you could be happy while I tried to fix everything.”

Elliot remembered being told he fell into a coma, but only after Shayla and Krista told him about it. Morphine, he took so much morphine because if he was going to die, why not do it doing something he loved? It was hard to convince Shayla to deal to him after that, but she crumbled under his influence. He didn’t realize the Mastermind created it then. He then begins to realize he doesn’t know when he was put under. It’s all foggy.

“I was so blinded by trying to fix things, I didn’t realize that I was making it worse.” the Mastermind says. “I’m sorry. I only did it because I love you. I still loved you, even when I lost sight of who I was or when I forgot who I was, I knew in the back of my mind that I was only doing all of it because I love you. So much. You are all the things I wish I was. You are the best of all of us.”

Elliot feels tears streaming down his face and he realizes the Mastermind is crying too. “Hey, man, it’s okay.” Elliot starts but the Mastermind interrupts him.

“It’s really not. You really need to stop saying ‘it’s okay’ when it’s not.” he says. Elliot doesn’t know what to say after that. They’re silent for a moment, but finally, the Mastermind looks up at him. “I think you should text Tyrell back and just… tell him the truth. About me.”

Instead of agreeing or disagreeing, Elliot asks, “Did you love him?” The Mastermind seems taken aback at that question. “Tyrell. Did you love him?”

“I–” 

“Because you told me he loved you. You were better than me in his eyes.” Elliot says. “You have the rage and drive, I didn’t. He loved that. He said you two were Gods together. He’d never say that about me.”

“He didn’t know we were two different people.” The Mastermind argues back.

“But he must have known something was different.”

“I don’t know if he knew.” The Mastermind says. “But for all intents and purposes, he loved us, the both of us.” 

“You’re not answering the question. Did you love him?”

“Yes!” The Mastermind screams. “Yes! I loved him! But I didn’t do anything because I knew his love should have been for you! Not for me!” The confession leaves both of them speechless. “I put him in the other world because I knew you’d want him there.” The Other One adds, looking a bit sheepish. 

“But the thing is, he never said he was in love with me.” Elliot says. “He was desperately in love with you. I don’t know if I can handle him rejecting me because I’m not you.”

“But you’ll never know if you don’t talk to him and tell him the truth.” The Mastermind shoots back. “Text him back. Tell him to meet you at a bar or something to talk this out. You need this.”

“Rich coming from you.” Elliot scoffs. 

“I’m you and not you.” The Mastermind says back. “You need to do this. And if he doesn’t love you, then that’s okay. You deserve better than him anyway.” All the fight is gone from the Mastermind. “Just, please. Text him back. And maybe Darlene. She’s worried about you.”

Elliot slowly grabs his phone from his desk and unlocks it, clicking his messages app. His fingers shake the whole time as he types out the message that he has to retype multiple times.

**To Tyrell Wellick**

_Let’s meet at 7 at Bauman’s. This isn’t a date._

“Okay, I did it.” Elliot says, looking up. But when he looks up, his apartment is empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay let's be real, I miss the Mastermind. He's our Elliot, yanno? Next chapter, Tyrell and Elliot finally talk. I'm thinking of writing a one-shot that relates to Healing Isn't Linear from the perspective of Tyrell after they broke up and him meeting the Mastermind for the first time at AllSafe. Would you guys be interested in that? I'd probably post it after the next chapter since I want to get Tyrell and Elliot's conversation out of the way. But yah, thanks for reading and also ignore the fucking end note under this end note. I wanted that to be the end note for the first chapter but it keeps fucking pasting itself to the end of every single new chapter I upload. If any of you could tell me how to stop that from happening, I'd be much obliged. But anyway, I hope you enjoyed!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elliot and Darlene come up with a game plan with three simple rules. Then, Elliot and Tyrell talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Here's another upload you've all been waiting for (okay that is pretty presumptuous, probably not all of you). If you didn't know, I wrote a one shot from Tyrell's POV of their relationship before our Elliot went under and a little bit during the Mastermind's occupation. I will link to it in the end note, but I have also made a series! So you can go head and read it through there. And beware, in that fic I write TERRIBLE porn. Like I don't even describe it that well because I'm just TOO embarrassed. But away, enjoy!

Elliot feels like throwing up, he’s so nervous. But the commuters around him wouldn’t appreciate vomit all over the subway floor so he holds it in. He’s done enough stupid things in public already, he doesn’t need to add vomiting in front of other people to the list. 

After Elliot sent the text to Tyrell, he decided to text Darlene, asking for her help.

**To Darlene Alderson**

_I’m going to talk to Tyrell today. I need your help. I don’t know what to say._

What he doesn’t expect is Darlene to text back right away.

**From Darlene Alderson**

_I’m coming over._

In 15 minutes, he hears a knock at his door. When he opens the door Darlene pushes past him. She’s still in her full dancewear, her duffle bag spilling out random dance accessories. Darlene now worked as a ballet instructor. Darlene was always embarrassed when she mentioned her line of work, especially whenever Leon decided to come out of the cracks to hang out, but Elliot could tell she really loved it. 

“I stopped at the bodega in the corner and grabbed index cards so we can write down all the talking points.” Darlene says in a rush, setting down her things. “We are going to prep you like it’s the goddamn SATs.”

“You don’t expect me to bring fucking flashcards to my conversation with Tyrell.” Elliot replies. “Also, it’s 10 am. I thought you had work.”

“Those kiddos can grand jeté without me.” Darlene says with a wave of her hand. “Besides, I told them I had a pressing family matter I had to attend to.” She rips open the plastic and starts spreading the notecards along his kitchen table. 

“This isn’t exactly very pressing.”

“Okay, stop with this humble, self-deprecating shit.” Darlene snaps, turning to him. “This is really important to you. And you’re obviously going to do it right, but a little prep work will help calm your nerves.” She places her hands on the side of his arms. “Elliot. I want to be here. Trust me.” 

Elliot can’t help but crack a smile. They spent the whole day going over talking points, Darlene finding a sharpie and writing all the points down.

“Rule number one: Do not start out with ‘as you know, I am crazy’. I feel like you start out with that way too much and Elliot, it isn’t cute.”

“Well too bad I’m not going throughout the world desperately wanting to be cute.” Elliot replies, rolling his eyes. He’s currently on the couch cradling Flipper like a baby. Darlene is pacing around in front of him. “Also, it’s a true fact. Why can’t I say it?”

“Because it’s self deprecating! That’s what it is!” Darlene cries. “We can’t show weakness to Tyrell. He’s already such a piece of shit and if we show any weakness, we’re done for!” 

“We?” 

“This is team strategy, okay? It’s like Rocky okay? You’re Rocky Balboa and I’m his trainer.”

“I’m not fighting Tyrell.” He knows if he fought Tyrell, he'd lose. He's seen Tyrell beat men to a pulp. Mr. Robot was almost killed by Tyrell. He's pretty sure the Mastermind was almost killed.

“You’re missing the fucking point!” Darlene shouts. “We have no idea how Tyrell is going to react to this new information. I also fucking hate him and think the worse of him, so we gotta go in with all defenses up.”

“Okay, okay, fine.” Elliot sighs, putting his hands up. 

“Rule two: You don’t owe him vivid details. Just give him the cut and dry.” 

“Okay, I can do that.” 

“And rule three. The most important rule: don’t take him back.” Darlene stops pacing and looks straight at Elliot. “And I’m not just saying this because I don’t like the dude. I’m saying this because you deserve better. He treated you like shit, no matter if you were you or when the Mastermind took over.”

Those rules echo in Elliot’s head as the subway comes to a stop and Elliot gets off. Oh, God, he’s so nervous. Is it normal to be this nervous? He thinks he’s going to die. No he’s not. He’s almost died several times before and it doesn’t feel like how he’s feeling now. Kind of fucked up how he uses the sense memory of actually dying to reassure himself he isn’t actually dying.

“You’ve lived a wild life, kiddo.” Mr. Robot says, suddenly appearing next to Elliot. 

“Don’t follow me into this.” Elliot mumbles, trying not to look directly at Mr. Robot so it doesn’t look like he’s talking to nobody. It’s New York, so nobody could spare a second glance but Elliot already feels frazzled, he couldn’t handle if he thought somebody was looking at him.

“We kind of follow you everywhere,” Mr. Robot laughs. “We are you, afterall.”

“You know what I mean, asshole.” Elliot hisses. “Don’t like appear when I’m talking to Tyrell. Don’t take over. Let me do this by myself.”

“Relax, I’m not going to do that.” Mr. Robot replies. “Plus, it was pretty cute how you and Darlene prepped for this. Too bad we both know you’re not going to follow the rules.”

“Says who?”

“Says your track record.” Mr. Robot says. “You don’t play by the rules.”

Elliot has nothing to say to that. Mr. Robot is right. But Darlene didn’t have to know, right? Even though he knows those rules would save him. As long as he maintained rule three, he would be fine. He looked up and saw that he was at the front of Bauman’s. He could see that Tyrell was already there, sipping a drink and generally looking as cool as a cucumber. Every fiber of his body kept screaming to retreat, run away. But he had to do this. It was the right thing to do.

“Good luck, kiddo.” Mr. Robot said, placing a reassuring hand on Elliot’s shoulder. “We’re in your corner.” Elliot looks behind him and Mr. Robot is gone. He checks his phone. It’s 6:53. Fuck Tyrell for being early. Fuck. He also has a text from Darlene.

**From Darlene Alderson**

_You fucking got this bitch. Don’t forget the rules._

Elliot takes a deep breath and swings the door open. The bar is full of life, people talking and laughing. Tyrell hasn’t noticed him yet. But knowing Tyrell, Tyrell already knows that he’s there.

“Hi.” Elliot says awkwardly, finally getting to the cocktail table Tyrell is at. Oh fuck. Elliot realizes this is the bar where the Mastermind met Olivia. Why the fuck did he chose this bar. 

“Hello, Elliot.” Tyrell greets, his winning exec smile plastered on his face. “Nice choice of bar.”

“I um.” Elliot doesn’t know what to say. “Yeah.” 

“Do you want a drink?” Tyrell asks. “I’ll pay.”

“This isn’t a date, Tyrell.” Elliot replies, feeling flustered.

“I know. Doesn’t mean I can’t buy you a drink.” Tyrell replies, staring him down as he takes another sip of his drink. Elliot feels hot all over. Tyrell knows what he’s doing. 

He can hear Darlene scream in his ear, “Don’t fall for it!” 

Maybe he should order something that would throw Tyrell off. “Okay, sure. An appletini.” Not that he didn’t like appletinis, they were fucking delicious.

That earned an earnest smile from Tyrell, which Elliot wasn’t expecting. “Okay, sure.” He stopped a waitress. “Excuse me, can we have an appletini? On my tab.” 

“Of course.” Elliot watches her walk away. When he turns back, Tyrell is still looking at him, a fond look on his face. 

“What?” Elliot asks, feeling very self conscious.

“Nothing. You’re just very interesting.” Tyrell replies. Elliot’s been described as “interesting” before, but never in such a positive light. The waitress comes back and set the appletini in front of Elliot, who grabs it and drinks it like a shot. 

“Okay.” Elliot grunts, setting the martini glass down. “You probably know I’m insane.” Already broke rule one. “Angela told you I have Dissociative Identity Disorder so you know all about Mr. Robot.” Tyrell nods, his face portraying he’s not sure where this is going. “Well, I have multiple alters, it’s not just Mr. Robot. I have… at least five. And I knew of the first three since I created them. Well, I guess I created the other two since they are me. I created the first three when I was younger. Mr. Robot was first. He looks exactly like my dad. He’s the dad I wish I had. My dad was a piece of shit.” Okay, he’s halfway breaking rule two. Tyrell doesn’t need to know the history of his alters, but Elliot can’t seem to stop. “He acts like my protector. Then there’s my mom, who’s really only there to remind me of how much of a failure I am. And the last one I remember making was a younger version of myself. I made him because I couldn’t cope with all the pain as an adult, so he was made.

“But… then I guess a year ago, I made _him._ He doesn’t have a name. Or, well I guess he has a name, but he’s the Mastermind. And for the last year, he took control of my body. He then made this invisible friend that he constantly talked to. The Elliot that you know, the Elliot I am now, wasn’t present basically the entirety of 2015. He put me, the real Elliot Alderson, in some sort of mind prison. He took over because he wanted to change the world for me. He wanted it to be a better place for me so that when I returned as the host, everything would be better, no matter the cost. So he did all this crazy shit to change the world. And he did. But, he forgot he wasn’t the real me. He forgot everything about my past life. He almost tried to stay as the dominant personality, but he saw that I deserved to be myself so he gave back control to me. The real Elliot.

So the entire time, you weren’t talking to me. You were talking to him. But he didn’t know he wasn’t me. So he didn’t know about our past.” Elliot forces himself to look at Tyrell. His face is unreadable. “So all the things he said in the woods, that wasn’t me. I… would never say anything like that. Especially to somebody who loved him, the Other Me.” Elliot doesn’t know if he can stay any longer. It’s too much. “I um. I know you loved him. I’m sorry he said all those things to you. You didn’t deserve it.”

“Elliot–”

“And I’m sorry I’m not him. I’m just me… Plain, boring Elliot.” Elliot pauses and looks down. He needs to leave. 

“Elliot, I don’t know what to say.”

“I-it’s okay.” Elliot says, moving away from the table. “You don’t have to say anything. That’s all I wanted to tell you. You deserved an explanation. I... Goodbye. Thank you for the drink.” 

“Elliot, wait–”

Elliot turns and practically ran out of the door into the cool spring evening. He pauses and feels tears running down his face. Fuck. He’s pathetic. He needs to get home. Strangers cry on the subway everyday, it wouldn’t be weird if he just cried the whole way home. Okay, Elliot walk. Start walking.

“Elliot, stop!” Tyrell calls behind him. And damn it, he fucking stops. He hates himself for being so weak. He turns around, trying to steel himself but he can’t stop the tears from running down his face. Tyrell finally catches up to him. They’re so close like the last time they met.

“Tyrell, don’t do this. You don’t have to do this. It’s okay.” Elliot does not need Tyrell's pity. He'd rather die than be pitied. 

“Elliot, listen to me.” His hand grabs Elliot’s arm. He doesn’t flinch away. Did the Mastermind notice how Tyrell’s touch felt like home? He must have. 

“I’m sorry I’m not him–” 

“Elliot!” Elliot stops talking. “Look at me.” Tyrell’s hands come to cup his face. Oh no. He’s going to break rule three. Their faces are so close together, he can smell the vodka on Tyrell’s breath.

“I hate seeing you cry.” Tyrell murmurs, and then before he knows it, Tyrell’s kissing him. Elliot kisses back. It’s long and sweet. Shit. He broke rule three. But God, he doesn’t give a shit. He feels safe. Tyrell makes him feel safe.

“Please, come home with me.” Tyrell whispers when they break apart. He’s looking at Elliot like he’s the most beautiful thing he’s seen.

Elliot stares back into Tyrell's eyes. He feels like his gaze is burning him from the inside out. Elliot doesn't remember the last time someone looked at him like that.

Like someone who was worth having around. Someone desirable. 

“Yes.” Elliot breathes out before leaning in and kissing Tyrell again.

And just like that, he broke rule three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as you can see, I put a lot of parallels and allusions to past seasons of Mr. Robot. I hope they're not too corny. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are always appreciated! Here's the link to A Month and Eighteen Days: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21999094. Please check it out and give it some love! See you in the next update!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elliot wakes up in Tyrell's apartment. Darlene is pissed and Tyrell finally talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Guess who's awake at 1 am uploading this chapter? This girl! I sort of wrote porn, but like barely, but I'm going to move the rating to an M because idk it feels right? Quick question, would you guys be interested in me writing porn? I've done it before (horribly if I may add) but if it's something the masses want I will try and provide? But anyway, as you mull that over, please enjoy this chapter!

Elliot wakes up to an unfamiliar room. It’s dark, the only light filtering through the large bedroom windows by the streetlamps outside. The bed he’s laying in is way bigger and better than his bed. The sheets are wrapped around his naked body. Wait, why is he naked? He felt his heart rate spike up. Where the fuck was he? 

He looks to the left and sees his phone on the bedside table. He reaches over to check the time. It’s 1:32 am and he has several missed calls from Darlene with a couple of texts.

**From Darlene Alderson - 7:05 pm**

_You got this._

**From Darlene Alderson - 8:36 pm**

_Hey, where the fuck are you? It’s been more than an hour. You should be back by now?_

**From Darlene Alderson - 8:53 pm**

_Okay, now you’re making me fucking worried. Please tell me he didn’t kill you._

**From Darlene Alderson - 9:17 pm**

_Oh my god. Ur fucking him rn arent you? ELLIOT YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T DO THAT_

**From Darlene Alderson - 9:17 pm**

_RULE FUCKING 3!!!!_

**From Darlene Alderson - 9:19 pm**

_Oh my god. You always fucking do this!!!_

**From Darlene Alderson - 9:21 pm**

_Well I hope this fuck is worth it. Dont fucking come to me when it falls apart. He’s a fucking piece of shit and YOU know that._

**From Darlene Alderson - 10:15 pm**

_I kidnapped and walked Flipper so she wouldnt piss all over your apartment, even though u deserve it, you dick. I’m holding her for ransom until you come to MY apartment and explain yourself._

Fuck. Shit. Elliot looks to his right and he’s met with a sleeping Tyrell Wellick. His arm is thrown around Elliot’s middle. How did he not notice that before? His entire body aches, not that it didn’t ache before but now there’s the added ache to his legs, his asshole, and oh God, why does his dick feel so raw?

‘Calm down, Elliot.’ he thought to himself. ‘Recalibrate.’ He closes his eyes and the distinct memory of stumbling into Tyrell’s posh SoHo apartment come to mind. The minute Tyrell closed the door, they started ripping the clothes off one another, landing on the couch. Elliot couldn’t stop touching him. His mouth constantly had to be somewhere on Tyrell’s body. It was a way to keep his mind grounded, that this was actually happening. That Tyrell is actually alive and he's not hallucinating. Tyrell stopped short when he took off Elliot’s shirt though and stared at the bullet scar tissue. His thumb traced the puckered skin. Elliot knew from the pause that Tyrell felt guilty. Elliot looks down at where Tyrell's hand is flat on his stomach, his heart beating fast. 

“We match.” Elliot murmured, looking up and taking off Tyrell’s dress shirt, revealing the scarring from the woods. Funny, it looks like they got shot in the exact same place. He placed his hand onto Tyrell’s stomach, trailing it down to his crotch. “I can make you forget about it, though.” 

Elliot blushes at the memory of what he said. How fucking corny. He remembers he then proceeded to give Tyrell a blowjob. He remembers the sensation, the feeling of Tyrell's cock hitting the back of his throat, Tyrell's fingers tangled in his hair, the tears gathering in the corner of his eyes as he concentrated on breathing and going as deep as he could. Elliot's eyes eventually met Tyrell's, who's hips stuttered before pulling Elliot off him.

"You're beautiful." Tyrell whispered, pulling Elliot up from his knees and dragging him upstairs. 

The whole night after that was Tyrell taking Elliot to the bedroom upstairs and them fucking the whole night. The first fuck was nice and slow, like Tyrell was trying to memorize Elliot’s body. But after that they fucked all over the bedroom, switching positions over and over again. He can’t remember how many times he came. It must have been a lot by how much his dick hurts.

And now he’s here, laying in bed with Tyrell Wellick at his side. Shit. Fuck. Why did he sleep with Tyrell? This was a huge mistake. Darlene was right. Darlene is always right, why doesn’t he listen to her? Tyrell literally said nothing to confirm or deny that he was in love with him. Was Elliot just used? He remembers their relationship before the Mastermind took over and he definitely was used then. What makes this time any different? Oh God, he was such a fucking idiot. Tyrell did this all the time. He seduced people all the time. He needs to leave, now.

But fucking how? Tyrell’s arm is on him. He doesn’t even know where all his clothes are. They’re scattered around the house and from what he remembers, Tyrell's townhouse is huge.

“I don’t know how this is possible, but you think very loudly.” Tyrell murmurs, his eyes still closed. Elliot doesn’t say anything, he just stares. Tyrell finally opens his eyes and sits up in bed, leaning over to his bedside table and turning the lamp on. A dim glow fills the room and Elliot sees Tyrell’s bare chest. It’s covered in hickies and bites. Elliot wonders if his chest is too. He doesn’t dare look. “You’re panicking.” Tyrell states, deadpan.

“We… fucked.” Is all Elliot can say. He’s still lying down. The bed’s really comfortable and his body really fucking hurts.

“Very astute. Thank you Elliot.” Tyrell chuckles. “We did. It was fun. You seemed to really like it.”

He did, but that’s not the point. Elliot wills himself to sit up and get out of bed.

“Where are you going?” Tyrell asks, he finally sounds a bit panicked.

“I… I think I should go home.” Elliot says, bending down and picking up his underwear. Oh good, it's here. He doesn’t have to walk throughout the house comando. 

“Why? It’s so late.” Tyrell starts moving towards Elliot. “Come back to bed.” This is weird. This never happened. Elliot realizes they’ve never fucked at Tyrell’s place. The tricky thing about Tyrell having a wife meant she lived where Tyrell lived, so his place was always a no go. They always fucked at Elliot’s or a hotel and Tyrell was always the one who left first, leaving Elliot alone and cold. The thought leaves a pang in his heart.

“This was a mistake.” Elliot says. 

Tyrell laughs incredulously. “Mistake? What do you mean a mistake? I want you, you want me, what’s so difficult about that?” Tyrell laughs. “Elliot, we’re meant to be together.”

“You never said anything.” Elliot says, shutting Tyrell up. “About what I told you.”

“You didn’t let me say anything.” Tyrell argues back.

“You had the chance!” Elliot exclaims. “You said ‘look at me’ and then some bullshit about me crying and then you kissed me! That isn’t saying anything! It’s just like last time! You knew what you were fucking doing the entire time, looking at me, making me flustered and shit!” 

“Is it so bad to want you, Elliot?” 

“You don’t want me!” Elliot screams. The room falls silent. Fuck. It’s 1 am. He probably shouldn’t be screaming. “You want _him._ ”

“Elliot–”

“You’re in love with _him._ Not _me_.” Elliot’s voice is rich with grief. He feels tears welling up in his eyes. Fuck. Why does he fucking cry all the time? He’s weak. He’s pathetic. Fuck. “It’s the truth, isn’t it?”

“Elliot, please look at me.” Elliot looks up. “Please don’t leave. Come here.” Elliot feels his feet moving. He can never say no to Tyrell. He hates that he can’t. Elliot sits on the bed across from Tyrell. He feels Tyrell’s hand on his cheek and he can’t help but lean into it. Tyrell’s thumb sweeps across his cheekbone, wiping the tears from his face. 

“I don’t know what you’ve been telling yourself, but you’re right and wrong. I do love him, I confess it. When I met him for the first time at AllSafe, I had no idea it wasn’t you. It hurt me that he didn’t know who I was or what our past was, but I figured I deserved it. I did so much to hurt you. And as the year went on and I saw how brilliant he was, I couldn’t help myself. I fell in love with him, even though he treated me like shit and pushed me away. But do you know the reason why I fell in love with him? Because he’s you. The whole time, I thought this alter was you. Elliot. I was already in love with you before he took over. I tried to not, especially since I had to think about Joanna and my family, but seeing him do these amazing things, seeing him change the world with just a few clicks on the computer; you literally took down entire companies, the grit and passion he had for everything, I just saw you. Everything he did were echoes of you.” Tyrell cups both hands on his face, holding Elliot like he’s something beautiful, important.

“You are everything he is. You are the most brilliant and powerful person I know. So, yes, I was in love with him. I am. But only because he’s you.” Tyrell leans in and kisses the corner of his mouth. “Elliot, I love every single part of you. So please, don’t leave.”

“Tyrell, I–”

“And you can’t say you didn’t do any of this, because Elliot. You did. You had all of this in you, even if it was an alter doing it. Somewhere, deep down, you had this passion and drive to change the world, and you did. So stop excluding the credit from yourself because you did this. It was you.”

Tyrell leans back and sighs. “And I deserved the treatment the Mastermind gave me, you know? I treated you terribly every step of the way. So, I understand if you don’t want to be with me, but please don’t leave me because you think I don’t love you. Because Elliot, I do. Desperately.” 

All Elliot can do is stare at him. He can’t believe what he just heard. He has no words. Elliot wants to believe him, he really does. But he’s been hurt so much he doesn’t know what to do. Tyrell might hurt him again, he’s done so over and over again so what’s stopping him from doing it again? He hears Darlene’s voice in his head, telling him to leave. But he’s just so tired. He’s so tired of not being able to trust people anymore. He’s tired of not feeling loved, of not feeling safe, of being _alone._ Tyrell makes him feel like for once, he’s not a waste of space. What’s the harm of wanting to feel loved? Of wanting to feel held by someone who loves you? Of wanting to feel like for once in his life, he isn’t alone? At least for one night. He deserves one night.

So he does what he thinks is best, he moves closer to Tyrell, cups his face and kisses him, slow and deliberate. Tyrell takes him by the hips and lifts him onto his lap. He cards his fingers through Tyrell’s blonde hair, relishing in the feeling of it. There’s no pressure to have sex, they just live in this moment of bliss. This is real. He’s real. This moment is real.

They break apart and press their foreheads together, just breathing and taking it all in. He feels Tyrell’s thumbs create patterns on his skin and he sighs softly. “Let’s go to bed.” Elliot whispers, crawling off Tyrell’s lap and onto the space next to him.

Tyrell leans over and turns off the lamp, laying back down and curled himself around Elliot. “Before we broke up, you didn’t talk much about yourself but I remember there was this one moment you confided in me that you wanted to save the world, that it was this dream of yours to save everybody so nobody would ever have to suffer again.” He kisses Elliot’s forehead. “I told you that if there was anyone capable of doing that, it was you. You blushed and said you were a nobody, you couldn’t do it. It was just this little fantasy you had. But, Elliot, you were never a nobody, not in my eyes. You did it. You saved the world.”

Elliot looks up at Tyrell and blinks. “I guess I did.” Elliot replies, still not quite believing in that statement. He looks over to his phone. “Darlene’s going to kill me.”

“Go to sleep, älskling, we’ll deal with it in the morning.” Tyrell murmurs, closing his eyes.

 _We_ , Tyrell said. _We._ Elliot looks back at Tyrell and a wave of warmth moves through his body. 

The word “we” echoes in his mind until Elliot falls asleep, nestled against Tyrell’s side. And for the first time in a long time, Elliot sleeps peacefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elliot deserves a fucking break. Just let that man sleep! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are appreciated but not necessary, but I honestly love all the feedback. It spurs me on so I'm writing like a madwoman late at night. But yeah, goodbye! Love you!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after and the conversation that ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Happy New Years for some of you and Happy New Years Eve for others! For me, it is currently 2019, so I'm currently living in the past while some of you are living in the future! That's crazy! Anyway, I couldn't stop thinking bout this fic. I've like charted out everything in my head. There will be two one shots after this fic is done, but you won't get to read them until this fic is done! And it's not like A Month and Eighteen Days, because these fics happen in the future, after this fic! Also, I wrote a itty bit of smut in here, but it's all still the bare minimum but I tried to add a little more, so I hope you like it? But if you don't like it please tell me and I'll stop. Buy my silence forever. But anyway, see you in the end notes and enjoy!

Elliot’s 6 AM alarm blares and he wakes up in a bed that’s not his, but this time he doesn’t freak out. He blindly turns off the alarm and turns to his right, where the bed is empty. He feels a pang of sadness, throwing his arm across his face and taking a deep breath. Tyrell left him, again. Elliot feels like an idiot, falling for Tyrell’s pretty words. Elliot should have known it would end how it always ended, with Tyrell leaving him without a word and Elliot waking up alone and used. 

‘He never promised he’d stay.’ Elliot reminds himself. ‘He just didn’t want to be alone.’ And Elliot can respect that. He did tell himself this was just for one night, then he would leave. Elliot slowly sits up and blinks the sleep out of his eyes. Tyrell’s bedroom is chic and Scandavian, not that he’s surprised. He’s always had a flare for the finer things in life: fine suits, fine houses, a fine wife. Elliot was an anomaly in this equation. A sort of twisted reprieve from finery. Elliot used to dream about being with Tyrell but he’s realistic. It can never happen.

He’s so lost in his thoughts he doesn’t hear the master bathroom shower shut off and the door opening. “Oh, you’re awake.” Elliot turns his head and it’s Tyrell, standing naked in just a towel. If he wasn’t so surprised, he’d be aroused. Okay, maybe he is aroused. Aroused and surprised. “Never took you as a morning person.” Tyrell smirks and heads to his dresser, pulling out his fancy underwear for the day.

“You’re still here.” Elliot breathes.

That earns a laugh from Tyrell, who drops the towel and steps into his boxers, giving Elliot a nice view of his ass. Fuck. Stop staring. “Of course I’m still here. It’s my house. Where would I go?”

Elliot feels stupid now. He’s overstayed his welcome. He needs to go home now. He swings his legs to the side of the bed and gets up, which earns a full body twinge from how much his entire body hurts. It’s Friday, maybe his clients wouldn’t mind if he took this day off to just lie down and forget he exists. He leans down to pick up his underwear and slips it on, scanning the room for the rest of his clothes. His pants are are in the corner. Okay, that means everything else is downstairs.

“What are you doing?” Tyrell asks, breaking him from his thoughts yet again.

“I’m, um, leaving?” Elliot says, slipping on his jeans. He grabs his phone from the nightstand and slips it into his pocket.

“So soon?” Tyrell asks. He feels Tyrell close to him now, his hands grabbing the sides of his arms. “Elliot, stay. At least for breakfast.” Elliot looks up at Tyrell and he looks so earnest. And he can’t ever deny Tyrell anything so he just nods, which earns him a smile and a kiss on the lips, which Elliot wasn’t expecting. Is this what normalcy feels like?

“You should take a shower.” Tyrell says after breaking apart. “When you’re done, come downstairs, I’ll have breakfast ready. You like eggs, right?” Elliot nods and Tyrell smiles again, cupping Elliot’s face and kissing him again, this time a quick peck. “I’ll see you downstairs.” Tyrell’s hands linger on his skin, like he doesn’t want to let go. But eventually, his touch leaves Elliot’s skin and he turns and leaves.

Elliot just stands there like an idiot. Is this real? Did the Mastermind trick him again and he’s in the mind prison again? All of this is too good to be true. He takes his phone out of his pocket. It reads 6:17 am. Okay, so he’s not there. But this is still too good to be true. This can’t last forever. He walks to the bathroom and turns on the light, refusing to look in the mirror as he undresses. Setting his phone on the bathroom counter he catches a glimpse of himself and he can’t help but fully look up at his naked form.

He’s covered in love bites and bruises, just like Tyrell. His fingers brush against them, the sense memory coming back of Tyrell’s mouth on him and he rode his cock. He looks at the fingerprint bruises on his hips and blushes, remembering how Tyrell’s grip on his hips never relented as he pounded into Elliot, hitting his prostate with every single thrust and causing him to scream the whole time. Oh God, he hopes Tyrell’s neighbors didn’t hear him. That would be embarrassing. But it wasn’t all rough, sometimes, Tyrell would cradle his head, stare into his eyes and whisper things to him he didn’t understand but it made the pit of his stomach feel warm. The first time they fucked, Tyrell took his time opening Elliot up slowly, the entire process he smoothed over the skin on his thighs, even kissing them from time to time. “You’re beautiful” he murmured against Elliot’s skin, quiet but loud enough for Elliot to hear. 

He wonders what Tyrell sees in him. He’s skin and bones, still morphine chic even though he’s been clean for a while. But he’s always been this skinny, even when he didn’t do hard drugs. He’s never really been a big fan of eating either, so that probably contributes mostly his skeletal frame ‘You’re just an easy fuck.’ Elliot reminds himself. ‘Don’t think too deeply about it.’

It takes him a few minutes to figure out how to turn on Tyrell’s fancy shower. He eventually figures it out and waits for the water to warm up before stepping in. He stands beneath the water for a while, motionless, letting the heat give some relief to his aching bones. He uses Tyrell’s soap and lathers himself off, willing himself to not think about last night. He can’t jerk off in Tyrell’s shower, that would be too much. Also his dick still hurts like a motherfucker, the thought of even touching it or becoming aroused hurts it even more. 

He turns the shower off and steps out, searching for a towel. He realizes Tyrell left a towel for him and he takes it and dries off, walking out of the bathroom and into the master bedroom. He sees his shirt and hoodie are folded neatly on top of the bed. Did Tyrell do that? He puts on his clothes and heads downstairs. He sees Tyrell at his kitchen, gently pouring the scrambled eggs onto two plates. They smell really good. He didn’t know Tyrell could cook. Or maybe he was one of those guys who could only cook eggs, but Elliot doubted it.

“Wow, a dream man.” Mr. Robot snickers. “Don’t fall over yourself Elliot.” Elliot looks around, but Mr. Robot isn’t here. Okay, so it was all in his head. ‘It better stay that way.’ he threatens.

He takes a seat at the kitchen island, not saying anything. He doesn’t know what to say. That usually isn’t Elliot’s forte, being able to talk to people. He now realizes he smells like Tyrell. That’ll be distracting for the whole day, especially since Elliot plans to end things. None of this would last anyway, nothing good lasts for Elliot. And it’s okay, he’s accepted that a long time ago.

Tyrell hands him a fork. “I hope you liked the shower.” Tyrell starts rambling about his new place, Elliot barely catching anything he says.

“Elliot, are you okay? You’ve barely touched your food.” Tyrell brings him back to reality. Elliot looks at Tyrell, searching for anything to keep him from saying what he’s about to say. Nothing.

“I don’t think we should be together.” Elliot says. He doesn’t expect Tyrell’s face to crumble. He doesn’t expect his heart to hurt. But he knows this is the right decision. He makes sure to keep his face neutral. Tyrell can't know that he's aching inside. 

“Elliot, if this is about you being unsure whether or not I love you or the Mastermind, I told you–”

“It’s not about that.” Elliot says. “Or maybe it is. I don’t know. I just don’t think this thing between us is going to work.”

“You can’t do this. Especially with how vague you’re being. But you’re always this fucking vague, aren’t you?” Tyrell’s getting mad now. Maybe this will make it easier. Sure, he might leave Tyrell’s townhouse with a bruised jaw, but he survived that, he can survive it again.

“More of a reason we can’t be together. We’re not good for each other.” Elliot starts to get up from his chair but Tyrell comes around and traps him.

“I don’t fucking understand. I told you everything last night, I thought you wanted to be with me. To try with us. I don’t understand why you’re running away from this.” Tyrell pleads. “Elliot, why are you doing this? Did last night mean nothing to you?” Elliot's brain almost short circuits from how devastated Tyrell looks. He's never seen that look on him before. 

“I don’t trust you.” Elliot blurts. Tyrell’s taken aback. “You can’t blame me, especially with how things ended between us last time. You’ve lied to me before, you’ve hurt me before.”

“That’s fucking rich coming from you.” Tyrell snarls. “You’ve done all those things before too, yet here I am, trying to fix our relationship. And don’t fucking say, ‘oh it wasn’t me, it was the Mastermind’, because guess what Elliot? The Mastermind is you. It’s all fucking you and you can’t blame everything that goes wrong in your life on them because it’s all fucking you.”

Before Elliot knows what’s happening, he’s outside his body, looking in. But instead of seeing Mr. Robot he sees… himself. It’s the Mastermind. He looks around and Mr. Robot is standing right next to him.

“I told you to stay where you were!” Elliot cries. He’s so fucking angry.

Mr. Robot cocks an eyebrow. “You told _me_ to stay where I was. You told _him_ nothing. Loopholes, kiddo.” He walks over and starts eating Elliot’s eggs. “Mmm, good eggs.”

“Fuck off man!” the Mastermind yells, pushing Tyrell away from Elliot. “Don’t fucking blame him for all the shit I’ve done. You can be as fucking angry as you want but not at him. It was all me, asshole.”

“I can do this myself!” Elliot screams. “I don’t need your help!” The Mastermind glances over at Elliot but recenters his focus on Tyrell.

“Oh, so now you’re out, huh?” Tyrell says. “Elliot can’t fight his own fucking fight.” Elliot angrily gestures. This is horrible. Why is his life so horrible? He tries to focus, tries to regain control, but he’s still on the outside, the Mastermind’s grip too strong.

“No, he can definitely fight his own fight, but I couldn’t just fucking stand there and watch you tear him down, especially for everything I did.” The Mastermind argues. “I was right about you, you’re just some pompous asshole who only cares about what the fuck you want. Elliot’s not your plaything, he’s his own fucking person of if he says he wants to fucking end things you need to FUCKING listen! You don’t own him, as much as you fucking want to!” 

“Yet you’re out here, making his decisions for him,” Tyrell sneers back. “He told me what you did, you know. You’re no fucking saint either. You tried to take his life away from him. You erased our history together.” That makes the Mastermind angrier. 

“Everything I said in the forest, I meant. I don’t fucking care about you. I don’t care if you die a miserable fucking death. I wish that hunter left you for dead in that forest. I’m glad I left you to die–” Elliot can’t take this anymore. He takes the fork from Mr. Robot and stabs the Mastermind in the arm.

Elliot’s shocked back into his body, a stabbing pain in his arm. He staggers over, looking and seeing the fork sticking out. Fuck, shit. He’s crazy. He’s fucking crazy and he just showed Tyrell how crazy he is. He knows Krista said healing isn’t linear but fuck did he take a million steps back. 

“What the fuck.” Tyrell’s voice brings him out of his spiral. “Elliot, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Elliot grits out. He grabs the fork and rips it out, fresh blood flowing from his wound. His hand comes to cover it. Shit. Fuck.

“You’re not.” Tyrell says. “Take off your shirt, sit down, we need to fix this.” He does what he’s told, taking off his hoodie, but not his t-shirt. He watches Tyrell leave and come back with a first-aid kit. 

“This is going to hurt.” Tyrell warns before swabbing his wound down with rubbing alcohol. Elliot flinches.

“Not as much as a fork to the arm.” Elliot tries to joke. Tyrell doesn’t laugh. They’re silent as he cleans and bandages Elliot’s wound. Elliot's can't help but marvel at Tyrell as he bandages his arm. He feels like crying at the tenderness, the gentle touch. 

“This is another reason why we can’t be together.” Elliot whispers into the silence. Tyrell looks up at him. “I’m crazy. Shit like this happens, I hurt the people I love.” Tyrell says nothing and Elliot huffs out a laugh. “But, you already knew that.”

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he feels Tyrell gently wipe them with his thumb. God, he feels so weak. Why does he cry all the time? He hates this. “I’m sorry for everything he said. He didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it.” 

“It’s okay–”

“It’s really not.” Elliot interrupts. “It’s really not okay for them to take over and try to fight my fights and for them to hurt you.” He hopes they’re listening. “Especially since he promised me he wouldn’t take over ever again.”

“I’m sorry Elliot.” Tyrell whispers. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“Tyrell–”

“I must have hurt you deeply for him to come out to protect you.” Tyrell sighs. 

“Tyrell, you don’t have to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Stay with me. You don’t deserve to be with someone like me. It’s okay, I understand.”

“Stop doing that. Stop telling me what I want.” Tyrell grabs Elliot by the face and urges him to look Tyrell in the eyes. “Because I am a man who knows what he wants. And I want you. I want a life with you. And that includes all of you. I love you Elliot. I don’t want to live without you.”

“I don’t deserve you.” Elliot cries, he can’t stop his tears. Why would anyone want him? This makes no sense. “After everything I did, I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be happy.” Fuck. Why did he say that. Nobody needs to know he thinks that. But he keeps talking, letting it all spill out. “I’ve done so many bad things. I’ve killed and hurt so many people. I don’t deserve any of what you’re offering. I don’t. I’m not good. You’ll leave eventually. Everyone does.”

“Elliot, please don’t say that.” He realizes Tyrell’s crying now. Oh fuck, he messed up. Why does he always do this? Why does he always hurt people? He hates himself. “If this is the reason you think we shouldn’t be together, you’re wrong. And I’m not saying this because I want to save you or anything, I’m saying this because I love you. You deserve love, you of all people deserve to be happy. I want to give you some of that happiness, Elliot. Please don’t end things because you don’t think you deserve it. End things if you don’t love me or if you don’t want to be with me. I understand that entirely. But please, don’t end what we have. It’s too precious to let go. You’re too precious to let go.” 

“Tyrell… I…” He doesn’t know what to say, so instead, he grabs Tyrell by the shoulders and kisses him, hoping that everything he’s feeling seeps into the kiss, giving Tyrell his answer. Tyrell kisses back, all the longing and hurt translating. Tyrell kisses him like he’s precious. Elliot’s never felt that way before. Is this how people feel all the time? 

“Please Elliot, make this work with me.” Tyrell whispers against his skin. “Say yes because you want to, not because you feel obligated.”

“I want to be with you, if you’ll let me.” Elliot replies.

“Always.” Tyrell whispers back. “Äskling, always.” They break apart and Tyrell looks at his watch. “I’ve got to go to work. I’ll call you tonight. I want to take you out this weekend. Stay as long as you want.” 

“Okay.” Elliot replies, watching Tyrell gathering his stuff and putting into his briefcase. He follows Tyrell to the door, and before Tyrell leaves, he turns around and kisses Elliot.

“See you later.” he whispers. “I’m glad you chose to stay.”

“Me too.” Elliot replies. “Now go to work, you’ll be late.”

“I feel like you’ll make me late to work a lot from now on.” Tyrell replies, a cheeky smile gracing his face. He finally turns around and Elliot watches him get into his car and drive away.

Elliot allows himself to live in the comfort in the moment before he realizes: Shit. Darlene.

He has to see Darlene now.

She’s going to kill him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kind of promised the other alters wouldn't interfere but I lied, oops. Sorry! But all the Mastermind wanted to do was to help! Also, pray for my mans Elliot, his sister is going to murder him before he and Tyrell can have their fairytale ending. Can you blame her though? She's just protective of her brother. But I hope you enjoyed. Comments and kudos are always welcome as I thrive off attention and love. But it doesn't have to be love, it can be YOU ARE THE WORST. I'll cry but I'm a big girl so I'll be able to take it. Thanks for reading! See you in the next chapter!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elliot goes to Darlene's apartment to retrieve Flipper, but Darlene refuses to let him leave. They have a talk, Elliot takes an ice bath, and the Mastermind comes out to apologize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Friends! So this chapter is kind of sad, but it's also kind of feel good? It's just lots of Alderson sibling bonding. I love those two so much. I hope your 2020 so far is going great, even though the world around us is burning. Anyway, see you at the end notes, I hope you enjoy!

Elliot stood in front of Darlene’s apartment. If he didn’t feel so shitty all over he’d be pacing. But he needs to get Flipper back. The best case scenario would be that Darlene wouldn’t be home, but instead at work, so he could easily pick the lock to her apartment complex, grab Flipper, and avoid any consequences for at least a full day before Darlene came hunting for him.

The worse case scenario would be that Darlene decided to not go to work today and she was actually home. He couldn’t figure out which scenario was going to play out, at all. He tried to rationalize that since she missed work yesterday, there would be no way she would be home today. It was going to be fine.

He buzzed the intercom and immediately there was a staticy response. “Come up fucker.” Shit. The door unlocked and he stepped into the building. As he ascended up the stairs, he held on for dear life to the railing. How the fuck did the Mastermind walk around like this daily? From what he saw, the Mastermind did all sorts of idiotic and crazy things that left him sore and broken. He’s astounded that he even survived 2015. 

At the top of the stairs he sees Darlene waiting for him by her apartment door, her arms crossed and a distinct frown on her face. Her eyebrows shoot up at the ghastly sight of him. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened to you?” Her eyebrows furrow. “Did that asshole hurt you?” 

“I’m just here to get Flipper and go home.” Elliot bites out. He tries to get past her but she grabs him by the bad arm and he winces. 

“Jesus Christ, is that blood?” she asks, referring to his bloodstained hoodie. “And also, fucking no. You don’t get to fucking be all broody alone. You need to tell me what the fuck happened!” She yanks him inside and he tumbles forward.

Flipper’s little head perks up when she sees Elliot and she jumps up from her place on the floor and runs towards him. He tries to bend down to scoop her up but he ends up falling on the floor instead. Fuck. Flipper doesn’t notice and jumps all over him, showering him in kisses. And for a second he forgets that his entire body is on fire and wildly pets her back. 

Darlene takes Flipper from him and holds her against her chest. “Okay, we are not getting distracted by the dog. You need to fucking tell me why it looks like you’ve been mugged and you need to tell me what the fuck you did!” Elliot starts scooting his way to the couch and eventually Darlene huffs and helps him sit down.

“Okay, fine, you want to know?” Elliot huffs. “I told him everything. I broke every single rule that we had in place. We fucked and then the morning after Tyrell and I fought about whether or not we should try being together and then the fucking Mastermind took my place and had full control so I stabbed myself with a fork to regain control and then I told him it was a bad idea to be with me but he said it wouldn’t be and now he wants to actually take me out. There. That’s all you need to know. Now can I have my dog so I can go home and lie down?” 

“That is the most abridged shit Elliot! That doesn’t explain anything!” Darlene cries. “Like you fucking Tyrell doesn’t explain you fucking limping everywhere. I get sex can be strenous but not to the point where it looks like you’re going to fucking die! And you stabbed yourself? Jesus, Elliot, what the fuck?”

“You aren’t even supposed to be here!” Elliot argues back. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“I called in sick!” Darlene screams. “Because I’m actually trying to be a good fucking sister! I fucking worried about you! You didn’t respond to my texts, I was left in the fucking dark Elliot. I had no idea where you were or if you were safe! And fucking knowing Tyrell, I was worried he fucking _killed_ you! So stop trying to fucking change the subject and tell me what the fuck happened!” 

They stare at each other. Elliot’s taken aback. He didn’t realize how much Darlene cared about him. Okay, yeah, he was definitely at fault. He sighed. “Okay. So at the bar, I told him about the alters, I went into a little too much detail about them. But I told him the important stuff about the Mastermind and I explained to him that for the entirety of 2015, the Elliot he was talking to wasn’t me. You know, everything we basically wrote down on the notecards. I told him he didn’t have to forgive me or even want to see me again so I left to go home but he stopped me outside and kissed me. He then asked me if I wanted to go home with him so I did and we…” Elliot blushes a little. “Had sex. A lot of sex. I woke up around 1:30 and I was going to go home. We argued and I told him he said nothing in response to what I told him and he told me that he didn’t care and that he loved me… all of me. I didn’t believe him, but I stayed anyway–”

“Why?” Darlene interrupts. “Why didn’t you just leave?”

Elliot doesn’t know how to respond. He feels like a fish gasping for water. But he can’t escape her gaze. She bares holes into his soul. “I… um. I just… wanted to be held. I’ve been, I don’t know, feeling really lonely. And it was just nice, being loved for just a night. So I stayed.”

Darlene’s shocked. He doesn’t think she expected that answer or the honesty. “I–. Okay. Then what?” she said after a while, clearing her throat.

“Um, I woke up at 6 am, and I thought he left but he didn’t leave. I was determined to end things with him, but he insisted that I stay for breakfast so I did and so we had breakfast and I told him that we wouldn’t work out. We got into another fight, and I guess it got super intense because before I knew it, I wasn’t in my own body. I was watching the Mastermind fight with Tyrell. And the Mastermind said some pretty awful things and in order to regain control, I stabbed him. With a fork. So that explains my arm. Tyrell bandaged me up and I told him that we couldn’t work because shit like that happens, that I’m a fucking crazy person and that I don’t deserve to actually have meaningful relationships and he told me that he still loved me, even though I’m fucking crazy and I was like okay, cool. Then he told me he wanted to actually take me out this weekend and now I’m here.” Elliot stops talking and looks at Darlene. Her face is unreadable.

“Elliot…” She trails off, sitting next to him on the couch. “I don’t trust Tyrell, at all. But I can’t stop you from seeing him or being with him. But I just want you to be wary. He’s used you before, what’s stopping him from doing it again?”

Elliot breathes out through his nose, frustrated. “I know. I’m not saying he’s my boyfriend or anything but I don’t know it seems like he’s changed. I’m going to be wary and I’m going to be cautious, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I can’t help it.” Darlene sighs, poking at his knees. “I’m constantly worried about you. Speaking of which, you didn’t answer why you’re barely able to stand upright. Stabbing yourself with a fork can some serious damage, but not for you legs, dude.” 

Shit. Now he has to explain to Darlene his weird unhealthy habit. “I run.” Elliot shrugs. “Everyday in the morning. Consistently. I don’t really take breaks, except for today, even when I know that I shouldn’t run.”

“How much do you run? How far?”

“Uh… Until I feel like I’m going to pass out, then I stop.”

“Dude, that isn’t healthy, like at all.” Darlene says, narrowing her eyes. “You have to know your limits or you’re going to hurt yourself.”

‘I know.’ Elliot thinks. But instead he chooses to say nothing. 

Darlene sighs. “Okay. I know what’ll make you feel better, an ice bath. It’s going to be really uncomfortable but ice baths work wonders, trust me. And before you tell me you can take care of yourself, I know for a fact you don’t have a bathtub at your place so you’re fucking staying here, idiot.” She gets up and grabs her coat and leashes Flipper. “I’m going to run to the corner store and buy ice. You fill up the tub, cold water.”

“Darlene.” he calls out. She turns around. “Thanks. For having my back.”

She smiles. “Don’t mention it. Now follow my directions, as hard as it might be for you, you bossy little bitch.” She closes the door and Elliot sits on the couch for a moment, closing his eyes. It’s times like these where he wishes he wasn’t clean. It would just be so easy to ground up some morphine and snort it. It was even easier to pretend he wasn’t an addict with the suboxone but he has no idea where he would get it. Well, maybe he could give Hard Andy a visit but he’d rather not. He remembers how Hard Andy looked at him, lust heavy in his eyes. They remind him of how his father looked at him at night, in his room before he took off Elliot’s underwear and– fuck stop it. Don’t think about it. Get up Elliot. Go to the bathroom. Do what Darlene told him.

When he gets up from the couch, he can’t help the groan that escapes him. Fuck. Maybe he should tell Tyrell he can’t do this weekend. It feels like he’ll need the whole weekend to just lie down and not move. He makes his way into the bathroom and starts to run the bath, the water running cold. He is not excited for how unpleasant this is about to be. He hears the apartment door open and Darlene barges into the bathroom with two bags of ice in each hand. 

“The goodies.” She declares, setting one bag into the sink while opening the other bag and dumping it into the tub. “Strip and get in the bath.” 

Oh God, Darlene’s going to see all the bruises and bites on his body. That’s going to be embarrassing. She raises an eyebrow at his hesitance but eventually he takes off his bloody hoodie, t-shirt, jeans, and underwear and steadies himself into the tub.

“Jesus, Tyrell really did a number on you.” She says, ogling at his chest. 

“You should see the other guy.” Elliot tries to joke, but it falls flat from how much he’s gritting his teeth. Shit. It’s fucking cold. It doesn’t help with Darlene opening the other bag and dumping the rest into the tub.

“TMI, dude, TMI.” She sits on the floor next to him. “Now gimme your arm. We’ll have to re-bandage it after you’re done.” She begins to unwrap the bandage and cringes when she finally sees it. “It looks like it hurt.”

“It did.” Elliot agrees, finally getting used to the temperature. “You got a smoke?”

“Yeah, here.” She says, fishing one out of her pocket. He puts it in his mouth and she lights it. He takes a breath in and with his good arm, takes the cigarette out of his mouth to breathe out. 

“Well, Tyrell did a good job of patching you up,” Darlene concedes, getting up and setting a timer on her phone. “I’m going to leave you here for six to eight minutes, after that you have to take a hot shower. If you’re too tired to go back to your place, you can crash on the couch.” She stops at the door, turning to him. “You know, if we moved in together, you wouldn’t have to scleb yourself back to your apartment.”

“Darlene, we’re not talking about that now.” Elliot sighs. 

“Okay, okay, fine. But eventually, we will talk about it!” she declares. “Have a nice bath.” She pauses at the door, picking at her nails. “You said the Mastermind came out?” She asked.

He looks at her warily. “Yeah.”

“Do you know if he’s okay?” She asks.

“I don’t know.” Elliot replies. “I don’t really care, to be honest.” Elliot doesn’t know much about Darlene and the Mastermind’s relationship, other than the Mastermind forgot about how Darlene left him. That’s still a point of contention between the two of them, but they don’t talk about it, does it really matter? Darlene’s here now. The past is the past, no matter how much it still haunts him. And he knows that Darlene knew that the Mastermind wasn’t Elliot. But she had no way to fish Elliot back out, he doesn’t blame her for finding comfort and familiarity with the Mastermind. He just finds it annoying that she cares about his well being. Sometimes he wonders if Darlene wished the Mastermind stayed instead. “I stabbed him with a fork, so I guess he’s not doing too hot.”

“Yeah…” She trails off. Her eyes are distant. “Well, see you in a few.”

The door closes and Elliot’s alone. He takes another puff from his cigarette and closes his eyes. When he opens them, he’s there.

“Fuck off.” Elliot grits. He can never get used to seeing a carbon copy of himself.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” The Mastermind replies. He’s leaning against the sink counter, his arms crossed. His hoodie sleeve is matted with blood. 

“You’re always fucking sorry, aren’t you?” Elliot snaps back. 

“I didn’t mean to take over.” The Mastermind confesses. “But he was pushing it, blaming everything on you, I couldn’t handle it–”

“You know you promised never to do that again.” Elliot says, cutting the Mastermind off. “You promised to give me my life back, and that means _every_ part of my life. I can handle myself, I don’t need you and your fucking anger issues fucking shit up!”

“ _My_ anger issues?” The Mastermind says, his voice getting louder. “We’re the same fucking person Elliot. They’re your anger issues too!” 

“You took away my agency!” Elliot yells. He really hopes he’s not saying any of this out loud. But by the fact that Darlene isn’t running in here, he’s pretty sure this is all in his head. “I don’t need you to fight my fights. I’m fucking over that. I know you want to do what’s best for all of us, but you need to fucking stop. You’re not me, as much as you want to have my life and live in the real world! I know you miss it, because as you brought up, you’re me. I know what you think. But you can’t fucking do this shit, man!” To calm his nerves, he takes another drag. 

“And I don’t get why you miss being out here. It’s pretty miserable, man.” Elliot dryly laughs. “It kind of sucks, being depressed all the time. But I guess that’s kind of your M.O. You know, I envy you. You got to forget everything. I mean sure, you remembered how shitty Mom was. But you forgot everything else: Tyrell, the DID, the monster that was Dad. You forgot all of that. I don’t know if you were happier or not, I’m not sure if you’re even capable of being happy but hey, maybe I’m not either.” 

“I’m jealous because people love you, Elliot.” The Mastermind murmurs. “No matter how much you or I pushed them away, they always came back. Because they love you. No matter how miserable we were, somebody was always there to love you, even if you didn’t realize it.” The Mastermind pauses. “I came back to protect you. Because I love you. I didn’t want to see you hurt again.”

“Times up!” Darlene declares, swinging the door open. “Now get out, we gotta drain the tub and try to scoop the ice out so you can take a shower.” She extends her hand for him to grab and he takes it and she pulls him out of the bath. He looks over at the Mastermind and he’s just staring at Darlene.

“You miss her, don’t you?” Elliot asks. The Mastermind looks at Elliot, saying nothing. Darlene hands him a towel and he wraps it around himself, watching the Mastermind linger a bit behind her before leaving the bathroom. 

Elliot watches her scoop out the ice with a mug. He offers to grab a mug from the kitchen to help but she snaps at him to stay where he is. So he sits on the closed lid of the toilet, smoking the rest of his cigarette while she places the left over ice into the sink. 

“Do you miss him?” Elliot asks.

“Who?” Darlene’s now finished with taking all the ice out starts running hot water. 

“The Mastermind.” Elliot replies. 

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Just curious. You spent all of 2015 with him basically. You must have gotten used to him, maybe even liked him.” Elliot shrugs, trying to sound nonchalant. 

Darlene lets out a heavy sigh and turns to Elliot. “When I came back to New York, I was determined to be a better sister to you. It wasn’t fair of me to leave you when you were at your lowest, when you needed someone there the most. But I was young. I was stupid. I couldn't handle being there for you when I was barely even there for myself. But when I came back, it wasn’t you, it was him. But it was still you, it was still your body, your voice. You were just… a little different. I can tell almost immediately when Mr. Robot takes over, you just become a drastically different person. But the Mastermind, he was just like you, just darker and edgier and angrier with the world. I knew it wasn’t you but it was just so easy to forget sometimes that it wasn’t you.” She looks away and wipes tears from her eyes. “And sometimes I chose to forget because it just felt so good to be around you again. The entire time I was gone, all I did was think about you. I thought about what you were doing and if you were okay. I missed hanging out with you, just being with you. When he was around, sometimes I couldn't help but think that it was my fault that he was there and you weren't. Cause I know whenever things get bad they step in to protect you. And I didn’t know if you were ever going to come back again. I didn’t know if I could bring you back. That was the longest period of time that you were gone. So of course I miss him. But I also missed you. So much. But when you have your switches, I always remember that deep down it’s all you. And what kind of piece of shit would I be if I didn’t love all of you?”

“Sometimes, I wonder if you wish it were him out here and not me.” Elliot admits, looking at his knees. 

“It doesn’t matter what I wish,” Darlene replies, taking his hand. “All I want for you is to be happy. And I’m pretty sure everybody else up there wants that too. He wants that. He told me so. But no, Elliot. I don’t wish that. I just want you. I’ve always just wanted you.” She looks him in the eyes. “We deserve happiness, Elliot. After the lives we led, it’s what we deserve. I just want you to believe that too.”

He stares at her for a moment before reaching over and pulling her into an embrace. Her arms immediately wrap around him and they hold each other like that for a while. He feels her tears on his skin. 

“I’m glad you came back.” He whispers into her hair.

“I’m glad too.” She replies. She releases him from the hug and springs back up. “Now, take the fucking shower. I’ll see if I have any clean shirts for you. You are not walking around with that bloodstained hoodie.” She leaves and he sees the Mastermind leaning against the doorway.

“Of course I miss her.” Is all the Mastermind says. “But you deserve to be with her.” When Elliot switches the running water to the shower, he looks back and he’s gone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just have lots of feelings about the Mastermind. I miss him. He's our Elliot, yanno? (I feel like I've said that already lol). Next chapter Tyrell and Elliot go on their first daaaate ~ so get excited people! I'm having trouble figuring out how to get to my next plot point after the date though, like would it be weird if I made time pass after a month or two so their relationship is more established so I can set the next plot point or would that be too much? I don't want to spoil the next plot point in case if any of you want it to be a surprise, but I'm really struggling. But I'll figure it out! Comments and kudos are always appreciated for they feed my ego (especially comments, I get a kick out of all of your comments!) but no pressure! I'm just glad all of you are here reading my trash like a bunch of cute raccoons. See you in the next chapter! Goodbye!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elliot fills Krista in on what happened since he last saw her and Tyrell and Elliot go on their first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Friends! Before I start this chapter I want to say that i have made a mistake. So I was rewatching Mr. Robot (I still am, I'm near the end of season 2!) and I realize that in the beginning of the series, Elliot JUST started working for AllSafe. He was fired from his last job and then Angela got him the job at AllSafe after that. So the cannon makes no sense with my narrative that I've written about Elliot and Tyrell having a relationship eight months before the Mastermind took over because ELLIOT DIDN'T WORK THERE. So let's all pretend that Elliot got fired from AllSafe for destroying shit, but then Gideon was like wow I love that boy I wanna rehire him, even if he has major anger issues! So let's pretend that happened instead! This has literally been eating at me since I found out but I had no way of telling you all (unless you follow me on twitter [@kati_why], I like tweeted in anguish there,) but this is just me owning up on fucking up and hoping you all forgive me lol. Anyway, enjoy this chapter!
> 
> May 11th, 2020: Hi, I edited this chapter and added some stuff. This chapter always seemed so sparse to me so I added more flavor text.

“So a lot has happened since I last saw you.” Elliot admits, nervously wringing his hands out. Flipper sits next to him on the couch, snoozing away.

Krista raises an eyebrow and puts her notepad down. “Do tell.”

“Well, I literally ran into Tyrell Wellick after my last appointment here.” Elliot nervously laughs. “He was getting a coffee, I didn’t realize how close E-Corp is to your house. And we talked. But not a lot. I was panicking the whole time, I felt like I was dying but I held my composure. He told me he wanted to talk so we exchanged numbers.” Elliot chooses to not mention how he ran all the way to Darlene’s apartment or how the day after that he ran and had a panic attack just thinking about talking to Tyrell. Krista doesn’t need to know that.

“And did you eventually talk?” Krista asks.

“Yeah, the next day. Darlene helped me. She came to my apartment and we wrote down every talking point. She and I made three rules, but I broke them all.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Krista says, a small smile on her lips. “What were the rules?” 

“Um, rule one: Don’t start out the conversation with ‘as you know, I am crazy’.” 

“And you broke this rule?”

“Right out of the gate.”

“Okay.”

“You’re not going to judge me?” Elliot asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“I’m not here to judge, Elliot.” Krista responds.

“But it was a bad move, right? That’s what Darlene said.” 

“Just keep in mind Elliot, that everybody is a little bit crazy. You’re not an anomaly, even though you feel like one. But maybe I would agree with Darlene with not starting out a conversation about your mental health with ‘I am crazy’. It undermines your struggles, and I know you’re just trying to be self-deprecating, but Elliot, you are so much more than crazy. Now what was rule two?”

“Rule two was to not go into full detail about much, just tell Tyrell the cut and dry. I broke that rule. I rambled.” Elliot admits. “Which is really ironic for me, I hate talking.”

“What did you tell him?” 

“I told him about the alters, gave him details to why they were made, but not too much detail. Like I said my dad and mom were assholes but I didn’t tell him how they were. But I told him mostly about the Mastermind and explained to him that the Elliot he was interacting with during all of 2015 wasn’t me, it was him. I told him that all the hurtful things I said to him previously as the Mastermind I didn’t mean. And I also told him I didn’t blame him if he never wanted to talk to me again. And then I left, but he caught me outside and kissed me, thus breaking rule three.” 

“What was rule three?”

“To not take him back.”

“Are you and Tyrell together?”

Elliot blinks. Up until Krista asked him, he didn't put much thought into whether or not they were together. “I don’t know. I guess?”

“You guess?”

“Well, I went home with him after that, we slept together and he told me he wanted to be with me, even though all that shit happened. And on Saturday, I guess we went on a date?”

“A date?” Krista asks. “How was that?”

* * *

“I’ve never been on a date before.” Elliot says to Flipper, who’s sitting on his bed, watching her human pace around his apartment. “I’m 29 and I’ve never been on a date before, how stupid is that?”

Sure, he’s fucked people, but he’s never seriously dated anyone, ever. Or even been on a date. Elliot hated people. He hated interacting with people. During college he kept his head down, working odd hours in order to make rent as a college student. The minute Elliot graduated high school, he moved out of Washington Township and moved into the apartment he currently lived in now. He could barely afford it, even though it was in the one of the shittest parts of town. Rent was cheaper than what normal New Yorkers paid, but he was determined to be on his own. It was even harder trying to make rent without a roommate but the idea of living with someone made his skin crawl.

His four years at NYU went by in a blur. A constantly routine of going to class, working his ass off, snorting morphine, rinse and repeat. When he graduated nothing much changed except working a boring desk job, doing vigilante hacking in his free time. All of this balancing his rapidly declining mental health. He simply didn't have the mental capacity to make human connections outside of the ones he already had. From time to time, he'd fall into the bed of another, but it was always for an anxiety release and almost never sober. 

He also thought he’d be dead before he’s 30, so what would be the point of dating? Also, why would anyone want to date him? He was awkward and antisocial and honestly not very good looking. And when him and Tyrell were together, they never did anything but fuck and argue. He thought that him and Shayla would be able to be together for longer. He had plans to take her to Coney Island and show him his old haunts, incorporate her into his life in that small way.

But she was gone. He killed her. He’d never get to do that. 

Tyrell was going to pick him up at 7:30. Tyrell refused to tell him what they were going to do and that made Elliot’s anxiety spike. He tried acting cool about it, but he was absolutely freaking out. He really hoped Tyrell wouldn’t take him somewhere crowded, or expensive, or somewhere people would recognize them, but mostly him. Elliot hated when people recognized him after he saved Washington Township. As they got farther and farther away from the actual event, less people recognized him but after he was discharged from the hospital, people would just come up to him and thank him for saving the world. Every single time that happened, he would freeze up and just be weird around the poor soul who tried to thank him. He never got better at it. 

He didn’t even know what to wear. So he just wore a sweater Darlene bought him. He looked a lot like how he looked like in the mind prison, which kind of freaked him out but he realized that maybe that’s what he actually wanted to wear in real life. Darlene was trying to get him to dress differently and his wardrobe was slowly cycling out hoodies for “statement pieces” as Darlene put it. And he was weirdly liking it? He’d never admit it though, using incognito mode and a vpn to online shop so no one would actually know.

Elliot wasn’t even sure if this thing between Tyrell and him were going to last. Eventually Elliot fucks up everything and nothing good for him ever lasts. Eventually Tyrell will realize that. But Elliot supposed that he was allowed to enjoy it while it lasted.

His phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his back pocket.

**From Tyrell Wellick**

_I’m downstairs. Excited to see you :)_

Elliot felt his heart rate spike again. Oh God, it was happening. He was going on a date. “Wish me luck.” He sighed breathlessly to Flipper. She jumped up from his bed and started to follow him to the door, ready to go out with him. He laughed and picked her up and kissed her head. “As much as I would love to bring you, you have to stay home. Be good. I love you.” He placed her down and closed the door behind him, hearing her whimpers. It broke his heart. He would honestly be content to lock himself in his apartment and hang out with Flipper forever. But unfortunately that isn’t realistic.

He comes outside and he sees Tyrell leaning against his giant SUV. It’s not often he sees Tyrell in anything but a suit. But here he is, in a t-shirt and cardigan. Ok, thank God he followed his gut and went casual. 

“Bonsoir, Elliot.” Tyrell calls, a grin on his face.

Elliot can’t help it, he smiles too. “Hi.” Tyrell grabs his hand and pulls him into a kiss, which Elliot absolutely melts into. Tyrell and him never kissed in public before. Tyrell was very particular about being seen in public together, meaning that they were never to be seen together, ever. So it’s a bit weird for Elliot, but he doesn’t care, kissing Tyrell feels fucking great. 

“I’m so happy to see you.” Tyrell says once they pull apart. “It feels like it’s been years.”

“You’re very dramatic.” Elliot replies. “It’s only been a day.” 

“I have a flair for the dramatic.” Tyrell laughs, opening the door. “Now get in, we have a date to get to.”

Elliot gets into the back of the SUV and memories of all the times he’s been back there flood his brain. Both pre-mind prison and during the Mastermind’s occupation. Elliot never thought he’d see the back of this SUV ever again. When Elliot was Elliot, Tyrell would sometimes pick him up in this SUV and they’d fuck in the backseat and when they were done, he’d kick Elliot out. And now Elliot was in the same SUV, on his way to a date with that same man. 

The car started moving and Elliot glanced over at Tyrell, who was giving Elliot a good once over. Elliot doesn’t know if he could ever get used to Tyrell’s open desire for him. “You look good.” Is all Tyrell says. “Never seen you wear something like this.”

Elliot shrugs, trying to be nonchalant. “Well, now you have.” He looks out the window. “Where are we going?”

“Coney Island.” Tyrell replies. Elliot looks at Tyrell, surprised. 

“Really?” 

Tyrell starts to look sheepish. “Yeah, you like Coney Island, right?”

“Yeah, but why did you chose Coney Island?” Elliot asks. “I thought you would take me to some bougie place.”

“You wouldn’t like that.” Tyrell replies. “Also, I remember you mentioning that you were very fond of Coney Island, when we were together.”

Elliot blinks. “I said that once.” 

“I know.” 

“And you remembered?” Elliot asks, incredulous. 

“Of course I did.” Tyrell scoffs. “I remember everything you tell me.” 

Elliot feels himself blushing furiously. He hopes it’s dark enough in the car that Tyrell doesn’t see. “Oh.”

“Also, you did all of your fsociety business at Coney Island. When the Mastermind took over, he only wanted to talk to me at Coney. And the arcade was there too. So I would assume Coney Island is a special place for you.” Tyrell explains. “I wanted to take you somewhere you’d actually like, you know.”

“I guess it was pretty obvious.” Elliot replies.

“Why Coney Island?” Tyrell asks.

“My parents, my dad mostly though, would take Darlene and I to Coney Island as a sort of Alderson Family vacation. So I spent a lot of my summers there. And my dad and I were really close so a lot of the times it would be me and him taking the train to New York from Washington Township and we would just hang out all day. I used to play this little game in my head. I would calculate the safety of each train and I would pick the safest train to take us to New York but on the way back I would pick the most dangerous train. Because I wanted to make sure that we would get to Coney but I wanted to take a chance and never be able to go back home.” Elliot realizes that maybe he shared too much. 

“I lived in a coastal town when I was a kid.” Tyrell says. “Right outside Uddevalla. It was extremely small. When I couldn’t be around my dad, I’d run away to the beach and just sit there. It was nothing as grand as Coney Island but it was like my sort of safe haven. God, I don’t think I’ve been back there in years. I left Sweden so long ago.”

“Maybe one day you can go back.” Elliot says.

“There’s nothing there worth going back for.” Tyrell replies. 

The car comes to a stop and Tyrell looks up. “Ah, we’re here. Come on, Elliot.” Elliot gets out of the car and he realizes he hasn’t been to Coney Island since… well since forever. When he was down under, he would take walks up and down the boardwalk, feeling that something was wrong, but he wasn’t quite sure what. 

It’s weird, being actually here. 

“Elliot, are you okay?” Tyrell’s voice brings him out of his head.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Elliot replies. It doesn’t sound convincing to his own ears. He doubts it’s very convincing to Tyrell either. But Tyrell reaches out and grabs Elliot’s hand.

“Come on, let’s take a walk.” 

So they walk around, Elliot hyper aware of Tyrell’s hand in his. And instead of hating it, it feels nice. They talk, mostly keeping the conversation light, as light as two people who have lived through shit can keep the conversation light. They grab slices of pizza and beers, night falling. Coney Island is beautiful with all its flashing lights. Elliot can’t help but be awed at them every single time. Stopping to just stare.

“What are you staring at?” Tyrell asks.

“The lights.” Elliot replies, not taking his eyes off the ferris wheel. “I think they’re beautiful. When Darlene, Angela, and I were younger, we would get super high and just walk around Coney Island at night, just staring at all the lights. We would just ride the ferris wheel over and over again, passing the joint back and forth. Eventually the carnie had to kick us out, especially since Darlene would shriek every single time we went down.” Elliot’s smile falters a little bit. Now they’ll never get to do that anymore. Angela’s dead. 

“Well, I don’t have a joint but we could ride the ferris wheel.” Tyrell supplies. “Do you want to?”

“Sure.” Elliot replied. “Let’s do it.”

Tyrell pays the carnie and they get into a basket. Elliot thinks about all the conversations he’s had with Mr. Robot on this ferris wheel, trying to figure things out. From the top, they overlook the ocean, inky black except for the lights reflecting off the surface. 

“You know, I’m glad we’re not eating at a fancy restaurant.” Elliot says out loud, thinking.

“Well, I know you’d hate it.” Tyrell replies. 

“I mean, I know. But I feel like if I we were there I’d be tempted to ask you to steal earrings from a woman.”

Tyrell looks at him, shocked. “What?”

Oh shit, Elliot probably shouldn’t have mentioned Joanna’s story. But it’s too late.

“Um. Joanna told me, before she died.” Elliot replies. “Well, not me, the Mastermind.”

“You spoke to Joanna?” Tyrell asks.

Elliot nods. “When you were missing, she kidnapped him and made him track where you were calling her from. The Mastermind didn’t know about our past, so he had no idea why Joanna was trying to intimidate him, especially when she told him the story about your first date. Well he knew why on the basis that she was convinced that all the gifts that were sent were from you, and she used that story to tell him that you must be alive. But now that I look back at it, she knew who I was. She knew I wasn’t whatever fake name he gave us when we were going around looking for you. She wanted to let me know that you’d never do that for me, that your loyalties lied with her.” Elliot refuses to look at Tyrell. He’s probably really fucked whatever they had between them. 

There is silence between them. Elliot wants to throw himself out of the ferris wheel.

“I would do anything for you.” Tyrell finally says. “Same as I would have for Joanna.”

“I don’t want that.” Elliot says. The idea disgusts him: that kind of unhealthy wavering loyalty. “I don’t want that kind of relationship. I don’t need you to prove anything to me. I don’t need gifts as evidence that you love me. I never envied the type of relationship you had with Joanna. I only envied the fact that your loyalty to her meant you would never actually want a life with me. I don’t care about your money. Fuck your money. All I ever wanted was you.”

Silence falls afterwards and Elliot can't take his eyes off the water. His mind is racing and an irrational thought pops in his head to jump in rather than stay in this intensely uncomfortable situation. 

“Elliot, please look at me.” Elliot looks and Tyrell is so close to him. He hand gently cups Elliot’s face. He sighs and closes his eyes and leans in, kissing Tyrell. They linger for a while before Tyrell parts from him, his hands still cupping his head. “I know this is just our first date, but I want to prove to you that I’m worth it. I will always be loyal to you, Elliot. You have no idea.” 

Elliot knows Tyrell is capable of so many lies. He knows this man will do anything to be the most powerful man in the room. He knows how cut throat he can be. Elliot has seen how terrible and cruel Tyrell can be, especially to Elliot himself. But when Elliot looks at Tyrell, right at this moment, he sees nothing but earnest truth. And Elliot is so tired of being wary of every single thing. So Elliot nods and closed the distance between them again.

They spend the rest of the ferris wheel ride kissing and holding each other. Elliot feels like a foolish teenager, but he can’t help smiling the entire time, his cheeks hurting. 

Eventually they’re kicked out of the ferris wheel and they walk hand and hand down the boardwalk. Tyrell can’t stop pulling Elliot to him and kissing him, but Elliot doesn’t mind. It’s perfect until Elliot realizes where they are. The sense memory of the Mastermind weaving through crowds looking for Mr. Robot comes to him. He then remembers the Mastermind placing a hand on Mr. Robot’s shoulder, only for this fantasy Tyrell to turn around and shoot him. 

“You shot him here.” Elliot says out of the blue. Tyrell stops and stares at him. “When the Mastermind was trying to take my life from me, he was thrown in this weird loop. And you were there. He was trying to look for Mr. Robot but when he finally found him, it was you. You looked just like how you looked when the Mastermind met you for the first time. You reached into your suit pocket and just shot him. I always wondered why you. Why did we choose you of all people to shoot him?”

“Why do you think?” Tyrell asks. 

“I don’t know.” Elliot replies. He knows. It was _guilt_. Guilt for leaving Tyrell to die in alone. You reap what you sow. “I don’t even know why I brought this up.” 

“It’s okay if you don’t have the answers.” Tyrell replies. 

“You know, I haven’t been to Coney Island since I woke up.” Elliot says. “This is the first time in months. When I was in that purgatory, I was here every day. Every day, the same day ending in a loop. Maybe that’s why I haven’t come back here. Because I’m scared that my life is just one big loop, that one day I’ll wake up and realize that I’m back. That nothing in my life is real.” 

“This is real, Elliot.” Tyrell says, squeezing his hand. Elliot feels the warmth of their hands touching. “Please trust me. I’m real, you’re real. This moment is real.”

“You know, the last time you said that, you shot me.” Elliot replies, the joke falling flat. Maybe Elliot should never try to tell jokes.

“I want to make new memories with you here.” Tyrell says. “Good ones. Ones that make you not think about any of that.” Elliot thinks that is way too optimistic and very unrealistic but if Tyrell is anything, he’s driven.

“I think I’d like that.” Elliot responds, grabbing Tyrell’s hand. “Now come on, let’s keep going.”

* * *

“And that’s kind of it.” Elliot ends. “We went back to his place after that, had earth shattering sex, and then the next day I went home.” 

“I’m proud of you.” Krista says. “I’m glad you had a good time. You deserve that, Elliot.”

Elliot shrugs. He still doesn’t know how to respond to people telling him he deserves good things. Probably because he doesn’t believe it. 

“Are you going to continue to see him?” Krista asks.

Elliot can’t help but smile. “Actually, yeah. Right after this. I’m going to visit him at E-Corp and have lunch with him.” 

“I don’t mean like right after this, but are you going to continue going out with Tyrell?” Krista asks.

“I don’t know. Maybe. I guess we have something good going on right now, but everything eventually ends, doesn’t it?”

“Elliot, if you really want to maintain this relationship with Tyrell, you need to believe in it. You’re right, eventually, everything ends. But, not everything good to you is going to end drastically. Especially since Tyrell seems very keen on keeping your relationship between you two strong.”

Elliot doesn’t say anything back and Krista sighed, looking at the clock. “Well, time’s up.” she says. “You’re off the hook this time, but I really want you to think about what I told you. You deserve happiness, Elliot. Please try to believe that.” 

“See you next week.” Is all Elliot says, picking up Flipper’s leash and heading towards the door. 

“Have fun at lunch.” Krista says.

Elliot smiles. “I think I will.”

Elliot rides the elevator up with Flipper at his side. When the doors slide open he steps out and sees Tyrell across the room, walking with his assistant Elizabeth. 

What Elliot does not expect is for Tyrell to look up and stop in his tracks, a glorious smile splashed across his face at the sight of Elliot.

"Bonsoir, Elliot."

Elliot smiles.

"Hello, Tyrell." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Welcome to the end of this chapter. So after this, we are going to have a time jump of about three or two months! So be prepared! Thank you for reading! So, I started writing Tyrelliot smut but it turned weird and religious and I didn't finish it, but if you guys would be interested in it, please let me know. As always, kudos and comments (especially comments, I am a whore for comments) are welcome but not necessary! Thank you so much for reading! See you in the next chapter!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three and a half months of Tyrell and Elliot's relationship. Elliot knows that eventually, all things must come to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! So like, this chapter is REALLY LONG. It's fucking 10,000+ words! And the only reason it's that long is because I wanted to write the entirety of the three months and a half within a chapter but I didn't want to skim or push past things. So a lot happens in this chapter, but most importantly, I TRIED WRITING SMUT. Like legit smut. I would love your feedback on everything in this chapter, but mostly the smut. Did you love it? Hate it? If you hated it please tell me and I will never do it again. But if you liked it, I will probably do it again, so it all rests on your shoulders, dear readers. Now I hope you enjoy this long ass chapter. See you post-10,000 words.
> 
> May 14th, 2020 - Hello I made some edits and I added a couple of flavor text and more description. But nothing is too different.

He knew it was going to end somehow. He would have never guessed it would be where it all started. He flicks the ash off his cigarette. The thumb drive in his pocket burning a hole. This was the right choice. He couldn’t be a part of Tyrell’s life anymore.

It was a good three and a half months though. They were honestly the happiest Elliot has been in a while. Tyrell was patient with him, never pushing Elliot too far out of his comfort zone. He didn’t even pressure Elliot into putting a label onto their relationship. Even though he knew that Tyrell was dying to call Elliot his boyfriend. He’s pretty sure if he told Tyrell he wanted to get married Tyrell would drop everything and immediately agree.

People liked to think, and Tyrell made sure to keep it that way, that Tyrell was constantly the one in charge, that he had the most power. But Elliot knew that in the end, he had the power and control over Tyrell. Tyrell craved his affection, his thoughts – he wanted everything Elliot could offer. If Elliot told him to murder somebody in cold blood, Tyrell would do that. That was one of Tyrell’s weaknesses: the people he loved, he blindly followed. 

And that thought terrified Elliot. He thought that nobody, especially someone like him, should ever have that power over somebody. So Elliot held back, kept his distance while still being with Tyrell. And he knew Tyrell could tell, he wasn’t an idiot. But he never pressed or pushed. 

So in return, Elliot tried being more open, letting Tyrell into his mind, his past. 

“Where’d you get these scars?” Tyrell asked one night. They were both naked in Tyrell’s bed. It was a Thursday night. Elliot came over for dinner and one thing led to another as they usually do. The room was dark, the only thing illuminating the room was the street lamp outside so the cigarette burn marks on his skin were barely visible. But he knew Tyrell saw them. When they were together in the past, Tyrell asked him about them once and Elliot refused to tell him anything. He figured since that thing between them was just casual that Tyrell didn’t deserve to know his inner workings, his trauma.

But now he was here, in Tyrell’s arms. He was here, with the knowledge that Tyrell wouldn’t leave or mock him. “My mother.” Elliot started. He looked at Tyrell, looking to see how he’d react. Tyrell didn’t look up from the circular scars, his fingers tracing each one. It was almost mesmerizing watching Tyrell focus so intently on a part of him he thought was unremarkable. His touch soft and gentle. Such a polar opposite to the painful grip of his mother. Her nails often biting into his skin when she grabbed him and forced him to look at her. “She… I don’t think she liked me. Or Darlene. Darlene and I basically have the same scars on our arms. I don’t think she ever wanted to be a mother. So she was stuck with us. Things were better when my dad was alive. He could stop some of her torment, but when he died, there was nothing I could do. Not really. I tried taking the brunt of the abuse. I tried protecting Darlene, but I couldn’t.” Elliot sighs and closes his eyes. He can't protect anyone from anything. That's his weakness. “So, yeah, that’s how I got these scars.”

“Is she still alive, your mother?” Tyrell asks, his blue eyes gazing up at Elliot. 

“No.” Elliot replies. “She died around Christmas. Last year. Why do you ask?”

“It’s just–”

“I wouldn’t have wanted you to hurt her.” Elliot replies. “Even though I know you’d want to do that. She lived a miserable life. Starting going senile in her 50s. Darlene and I put her in a home. We never visited her. She got what she deserved in the end. She died alone. Miserable and alone.” Elliot does not voice that he thinks he will die that way.

“Were you sad?” 

Elliot laughs a little. “No. Not very.”

Tyrell’s lips brush against his skin. “Good.” He watches Tyrell gently kiss up his arm. “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Tyrell’s now at his face and Elliot runs his hand along Tyrell’s jaw, cupping it. 

“It’s in the past.” Elliot murmurs, leaning in and kissing Tyrell. They both know it’s really not. They both know that she still haunts Elliot. He sees her in the corner of his eye. He relives the abuse almost daily, watching her hurt a younger version of himself. But that’s all she is, periphery. Nothing else, nothing more. As Elliot got more comfortable with Tyrell, he slowly let him know about the delusions, giving him an out of whatever this was. But Tyrell stayed. 

Tyrell tended to ask him one question about himself every night they were together. Whenever they decided to sleep overnight together, it was usually at Tyrell’s house since Tyrell claimed that he hated Elliot’s apartment. But sometimes, Tyrell would actually sleep over at Elliot’s house. He would watch Tyrell look around his apartment, picking up Elliot’s things and really looking. Elliot could tell Tyrell wanted to know more about him, but Elliot was still reserved and private. He doesn’t think anyone close to him knows everything about him. He chooses to redact or keep hidden most things. He’s positive Darlene doesn’t know everything about him, and she’s the closest thing to a best friend that he has. But Elliot will just sit on his bed with Flipper in his lap and watch Tyrell explore his small apartment. There’s not much in it, but every single time Tyrell comes over, he spends most of his time finding new things.

“You need a bed frame.” Tyrell says one night. “It’s inexcusable for your mattress to be on the ground.”

Elliot snorts. “Okay? So?”

“You’re an adult. Adults have bed frames.” Tyrell explains. “Elliot, please do this for me. I’ll even buy you a bed frame.”

“Don’t buy me a bed frame. Knowing you, you’d buy the most expensive one and I’d feel bad because you know I don’t like it when you buy me things.” Elliot laughs. Tyrell frowns at the fact that Elliot isn’t taking it seriously, but it’s more out of exasperation than actual anger. Early on in their relationship, Elliot learned not to mention wanting to purchase something because Tyrell would take a mental note and Elliot would wake up with the most expensive version of that item. One time he mentioned he needed to buy a new razor and the next day he got an entire expensive shaving set from Tyrell. Darlene would tease him and call him a sugar baby, which he vehemently opposed. 

“Why can’t you just let me spoil you, älskling?” Tyrell whines, kneeling down onto the mattress, where Elliot is sitting. He grabs Elliot’s ankles and places them on his own lap. “You deserve to be given the nicest things.”

Elliot rolls his eyes. “Because I don’t need the nicest things. I’m fine. Honestly.” Why waste such good things on him? He searches IKEA on his laptop quickly to see if it’s still open. It is. “And if you’re this pressed about me not having a bed frame, then why don’t you come with me to IKEA and you can watch _me_ buy one.”

“IKEA? Really?” Tyrell asks, his eyes narrowed.

“It’s still open for two more hours.” Elliot replies, a shit eating grin on his face.

Tyrell continues to glare at him, but eventually he pulled his phone out of his pocket and texted his driver. “The things I do because I love you.” he huffs. Elliot laughs and loudly kisses Tyrell’s cheek, which causes Tyrell’s sour expression to change to one of fondness.

“My fucking hero.”

So that’s how Elliot gets the CEO of E-Corp to walk around with him in a giant warehouse looking for a bedframe. “I thought you would like IKEA, it’s Swedish.” Elliot says, fake examining which frame he would want. He’s already decided though, the mid-range one so Tyrell wouldn’t have a stroke seeing him buy the cheapest one, but not expensive enough for Elliot to have a stroke himself. He just wants to milk this experience for as long as he can, even if he hates being outside himself. 

“That’s like asking you ‘don’t you like McDonald’s, it’s American’.” Tyrell rolls his eyes. 

“I like french fries though.” Elliot replies, absently flipping the price tags. 

“That’s besides the point. IKEA is fine, I guess.” Tyrell responds. “But there are far superior Swedish designers. IKEA is for like poor college kids or young couples. Now hurry up and find one you like, I want to leave, Elliot.”

“Impatient much?” Elliot hums.

“Very.” Tyrell replies.

“Okay, fine. I want this one. Now let’s hope we can find the exit. It’s a maze in here.” They eventually did find the exit after many trials, with Elliot whipping out his E-Wallet before Tyrell could even try. They lugged the box home and they spend the whole night assembling the bed frame, squabbling from time to time, but ultimately they had a pretty good time. It was around midnight when they finally finished. Both men stood before it staring at their handiwork. 

“I didn’t have much belief in us, but we did it.” Tyrell jokes. “Maybe we are Gods after all.” 

“Pretty low standards to Godship, but okay.” Elliot replied. He glanced over to Tyrell. “Maybe we should test it out. You know, for research. Make sure the purchase was worth it.” 

Tyrell glances back at him, his eyes heated. He gets closer to Elliot, his hands finding Elliot’s hips. His right hand begins to palm Elliot’s ass. “Yes, that is very important.” Tyrell agrees. There’s a beat wherein Elliot and Tyrell just stare at each other, tension high. Elliot breaks the tension by grabbing Tyrell’s face and kissing him. Tyrell immediately reciprocates, beginning to take Elliot’s t-shirt off in quick succession, wasting no time to unbuckle Elliot’s belt and slide off his jeans and underwear in one go. Elliot likes it when Tyrell gets like this: desperate and needy. When Tyrell gets like this, he fucks Elliot like the world is ending and they have to fuck immediately. It’s fucking hot. 

He pushes Elliot onto the bed and Elliot watches Tyrell as he yanks off his own t-shirt and pants. He swallows hard as he watches Tyrell’s cock spring free from his briefs. There was a reason why Tyrell had a reputation at being good in bed. It wasn’t a secret that Tyrell easily seduced anyone and anything. It’s big. Elliot would be intimidated if he hadn’t rode Tyrell several times already. He grabs his own cock and idly jerks it, smearing pre-come around the tip and watching as Tyrell reaches into the bedside table drawer and pulls out a half empty bottle of lube and a condom.

“Fan, du är så het.” Tyrell appraises, giving Elliot a good look before going down on his knees and taking Elliot’s dick from him and sucking. Elliot lets out a moan, feeling Tyrell’s warm mouth envelope him and the gentle pressure. He feels himself hitting the back of Tyrell’s throat. His hands find Tyrell’s hair and he gently cards through it. Pleasure pools at the bottom of Elliot’s stomach and he concentrates on that feeling as he hears the bottle snap open and one of Tyrell’s fingers circle his hole, eventually entering. Tyrell starts with one finger, eventually moving up to two fingers, which scissor him apart and make every nerve in his body sing. He fists at his sheets when Tyrell enters a third finger in. Combined with the pressure of Tyrell’s mouth on him, Elliot can’t help it. He comes with a shout and watches Tyrell swallow all of it down, releasing Elliot’s cock with a pop. 

“You’re beautiful.” Tyrell sighs, tearing open the condom wrapper and sliding it onto his cock, which is bright red and leaking of pre-come. If Elliot wasn’t so blissed out right now he’d reach over and lick it off the tip. “You’re so beautiful and relaxed. Can I fuck you, Elliot? I’ll make it so good for you, you’ll be screaming my name.” He lifts Elliot’s legs and scoots him higher up the mattress. Elliot nods and he watches as Tyrell’s hands cant his hips up, slipping a pillow underneath him. He runs his cock up and down Elliot’s cleft and Elliot whines.

“Fucking just do it.” Elliot pleads. He knows Tyrell is going to make him beg. That’s Tyrell’s favorite thing to do.

“What do good boys say?” Tyrell taunts, and Elliot can feel Tyrell slightly pressing the tip against his hole, not quite entering. 

Elliot groans. Fuck. Tyrell knew that Elliot ate up this “good boy” shit. “Please, Tyrell. Please fuck me.” Elliot eventually bites out. Tyrell smiles, all teeth and then Elliot feels the pressure of Tyrell pushing in. Elliot forces himself to take deep breaths. Tyrell’s hand finds Elliot’s erection and he starts pumping, pushing in fully in one thrust, which causes Elliot to slap his hand against the mattress. Tyrell’s pace is relentless and Elliot feels sensitive all over. His last orgasm left him feeling oversensitive but he loved it, and combined with Tyrell jerking him off, he felt his cock twitch back into attention. 

His eyes are halfway open as he watches Tyrell thrust into him brutally, adjusting his angle to hit Elliot’s prostate dead on. His usually well coiffed hair is falling over his face. His eyes are intense, flicking from Elliot’s hole taking Tyrell’s cock, his own hand on Elliot’s erection, and Elliot’s face. Elliot has no idea what to focus on, but he eventually closes his eyes and lets himself savor the feeling. With each thrust he lets out little “uh, uh, uh” noises, which Tyrell eats up. 

The bed frame is creaking violently. There is no way for Elliot to explain to his neighbors what the sound was except for the truth. He feels Tyrell’s hand at his chin. “Look at me.” he growls, holding Elliot’s head in place. “Look at me when I fuck you. You wanna be good, right?”

“Yes!” Elliot cries. “I want to be your good boy.”

“You’re so perfect, Elliot.” Tyrell says. “You’re so good for me. I love you.”

Elliot whines at his words. He feels so full, Tyrell filling him just right. He grabs onto Tyrell’s biceps and Tyrell eventually removes the hand on Elliot’s erection and lifts one of Elliot’s legs higher, causing Tyrell to plunge deeper into Elliot. A few more strokes and Elliot screams Tyrell’s name as he comes hard, his vision whiting out. He feels Tyrell’s pace start to stutter and eventually Tyrell comes too, buried deep in Elliot. Elliot sighed in contentment and feels Tyrell slowly slip out of him. He watches Tyrell take off the used condom, tie it into a knot and then throw it into the trash can. Tyrell walks into Elliot’s bathroom and comes back with a wet washcloth, wiping Elliot’s come off himself and Elliot. 

“Well, it looks like IKEA makes good bed frames.” Elliot giggled as they went under the sheets next to each other.

“Swedish innovation at its finest.” Tyrell jokes back, wrapping his arm around Elliot, pulling him close to his chest. 

Elliot hums in response, his fingers tracing patterns onto Tyrell’s bare chest. Tyrell is open in telling Elliot he loves him. They both know Tyrell can’t keep it in, because it’s Tyrell’s truth: he loves Elliot. And Elliot knows that deep, deep down, he loves Tyrell too. But it feels dangerous to say it. Elliot’s scared that once it’s out in the air, spoken into existence, that that’s when Tyrell will realize that their relationship isn’t worth it. All things end eventually. Elliot knew that this thing between them would as well.

So Elliot keeps it tucked away. A secret only he knows. So instead, before drifting off to sleep, Elliot murmurs, “We don’t need to use condoms anymore.” He hears Tyrell’s heart rate speed up. Suddenly Elliot feels very unsure of himself. "Unless... you're seeing other people."

Elliot is not expecting Tyrell to choke. "What? No. There's only you." Tyrell insists. His insistance doesn't erase Elliot's uncertainty, letting old memories drift into his mind. Maybe Tyrell's lying to him. Maybe he's trying not to hurt Elliot's feelings. Worry gnaws at his stomach.

"Elliot, look at me." Tyrell murmurs. Elliot looks up, still nestled against Tyrell's side. Tyrell's freehand tilts Elliot's chin towards him. "I love you. There's no one else for me."

Elliot doesn't know what to say, this moment feeling too precious. "Okay, I guess you can raw me now." Elliot quips. Tyrell barks out a laugh and Elliot rests his head against Tyrell's chest, listening to his heartbeat as it lulls him to sleep. 

_I love you._ Elliot thinks before he closes his eyes. 

* * *

“I want to meet Tyrell.” Darlene says. They’re out walking Flipper. Darlene is still in her dancewear. 

“What?” Elliot asks. He looks at her. Is she serious? “Why?”

“Well, you’ve been seeing him for what, two months?” Darlene says. She pulls out a cigarette and lights it. “You’ve never dated people for more than a week. Two months? That shit’s serious.”

“Okay, and?” 

Darlene rolls her eyes. “So let me meet him. Dom wants to meet him too. She is very invested in your happiness. Probably because I am very invested and she has to be because she’s my girlfriend, but we would like to meet him. Size him up. Scare him.” 

“So that’s all you want to do, try to scare him off?” Elliot asks. “If you’re going to do that, then no. I don’t want you to meet him.” He also doubts that Tyrell can be easily scared off, even though Darlene is one of the most intimidating people he knows.

“Come on, dude!” Darlene cries, exasperated. “I just want to be, like, more invested in your life! I want to meet your boyfriend! I want to threaten him like a good sister that if he breaks your heart, I’ll fucking kill him! Just let me do that!” 

Elliot looks at her for a moment. He needs to get better at being open with her. So he sighs, dramatically for effect. “Okay, fine. But he’s not my boyfriend, you need to get that straight.” 

Darlene punches his arm. “Well, dude, neither of us are straight, so that’ll be impossible. But I’ll keep that in mind.” 

So that’s how Darlene and Dom end up in Tyrell’s townhouse. When he told Tyrell Darlene and Dom wanted to meet him, Tyrell just looked up from his reading and replied, “okay.” Elliot does not think Tyrell took the severity of the situation correctly. 

He tells Tyrell before Dom and Darlene show up. “I don’t think you’re taking this seriously.” Elliot says.

“Hm, please tell me why.” Tyrell replies. Elliot’s sitting at the kitchen island watching Tyrell cook. Tyrell insisted on cooking. Maybe this was a way for him to prove to Darlene that he was a good boyfriend (he’s not Elliot’s boyfriend) to Elliot. 

“Darlene is fucking crazy.” Elliot replies. He sneakily grabs a piece of bread off the counter and stealthily feeds it to Flipper. Tyrell pretends not to see. “And Dom is an FBI agent and neither of them are your biggest fans. And the fact that you’re not freaking out as much as I’m freaking out is frankly fucking weird.” 

“Elliot, it’s going to be fine.” Tyrell laughs. “You forget I’m a corporate executive. I basically deal with people who try to intimidate me on a daily basis. I’m also sure that they’re going to be perfectly civil.”

“You don’t know Darlene.” Elliot complains. “She doesn’t follow rules.”

Tyrell rolls his eyes. “Sounds like someone else I know.” 

The minute Darlene and Dom entered Tyrell’s townhome, Darlene starts rifling through Tyrell’s things. “Thanks for inviting us over.” Dom says with a smile. “We brought shitty wine.” 

“Perfect, I love shitty wine.” Tyrell smoothly replies, taking the bottle from Darlene. 

“Nice place you have.” Darlene calls from the living room. She turns around and extends her hand for Tyrell to shake. “I’m Darlene.”

“Tyrell.” He takes Darlene’s hand and firmly shakes it. Elliot feels like throwing himself into the sun. 

“So I’ve heard.” Is all Darlene says before releasing his hand and continuing to snoop around. Elliot looks at Tyrell, who continues to look unphased. 

“Dominique DiPierro.” Dom says, extending her own hand. “But you can call me Dom. I’m Darlene’s girlfriend.” 

“Ah, so we’re the lucky souls who get to spend our time with the Alderson siblings.” Tyrell replies, shaking her hand. Dom cracks a smile and looks fondly at Darlene. 

“Yeah, I guess we are.” 

Elliot stalks over to Darlene and hisses. “What the fuck are you doing?” 

“Looking around.” Darlene replies, flipping through a photo album. 

“You’re being a fucking psycho.” Elliot replies, taking the album away from her and putting it back to where it belonged. 

“It’s called intimidation, my dear brother.” Darlene replies, patting his cheek. “And I think it’s working swimmingly.” She glances down. “Oh hi, Flipper.” She picks up the wiggling dog and continues her search.

“You’re fucking impossible.” Elliot replies. 

Dinner goes surprisingly smoothly. Darlene openly glares at Tyrell the whole time across the table. Tyrell pretends to not notice and Dom is getting increasingly drunk on the shitty wine they brought. Darlene does not touch her wine glass even once, making sure to keep her wits about her. Elliot ends up drinking more than he usually does to make the night go faster. Tyrell’s hand is constantly on Elliot’s knee, his thumb from time to time gently rubbing his knee cap. Elliot’s noticed that at all times, Tyrell seems to be touching him in some way. He remembers the first time it happened he was alarmed, but as the weeks wore on, it would be weird to not feel Tyrell’s hand somewhere on his body be it his hand, the back of his neck, his waist, his knee, etc. At one point during dinner their eyes met and Tyrell threw him a supportive look.

Darlene asked pretty invasive questions. “Do you like your dad?”

“No.”

“Good, people who like their dads are fucking weirdos. Do you like your mom?”

“She’s dead.”

“I don’t care if she’s dead, did you like your mom?”

“Yeah, I liked my mom.” 

“How many people have you fucked in order to get what you want?”

“Too many to count.”

“How often do you and Elliot have sex?”

“Darlene!” 

“Everyday. Multiple times.” 

He shot Tyrell a look, who glanced at Elliot and took a sip from his wine glass. He turned his head and glared at Darlene, who raised an eyebrow at him.

“Have you heard of Vine?” Dom pipes up. He can tell that Dom has had enough of Darlene’s questioning. “I know you’re a CEO and whatnot but in my humble opinion everyone should know about Vine.”

The conversation moves in a more positive direction and soon they’re having an actual pleasant conversation that lasts for a couple of hours. Elliot doesn’t say much the entire time, but he enjoys watching Tyrell, Darlene, and Dom talking casually around the table. The conversation eventually moves to the living room. Elliot and Tyrell sit on one of the sofas, Tyrell’s arm thrown around Elliot’s shoulders with Dom and Darlene on the other sofa, with Darlene’s feet resting on Dom’s lap. Darlene suddenly stands up and says, “You know, I am really craving a smoke and I would really love some company. Tyrell, do you want to join me outside?” 

Elliot has to resist rolling his eyes. “Of course, Darlene. I would love to.” Tyrell easily replies. He leans over and kisses Elliot’s temple. “I’ll be back, babe.” Elliot flushed and watched Tyrell get up and follows Darlene out to the garden.

“Well, isn’t she obvious.” Dom says once their respective partners were gone. 

“She’s awful.” Elliot replies. Dom snickers and takes a sip out of her glass.

“She just cares a lot about you.” Dom replies. “Like _a lot_. When you’re not around, she’s constantly worried about you. She’s talks about you a lot. I have heard all the ways she would harm Tyrell if he hurt you.”

“She shouldn’t be concerned.” Elliot sighs. “I can hold my own.”

“I know, I know.” Dom replies. “And after tonight, I don’t really see why she’s worried about him hurting you. He fucking is enamored with you.”

“What?” Elliot asks, like he didn’t know already. It's alarming to see that other people know it too. He's lived too long seeing delusions. He can never really trust his truth. But when his truth aligns with what other people see, it's jarring and comforting at the same time. Maybe he's not that crazy. 

“You can just tell, dude radiates it. The way he looks at you, it’s like beautiful.” Dom waxes. She’s clearly drunk but Elliot and Dom have reached a comfortable friendship at this point. “Darlene would be an idiot not to see it. And we know she’s not so she clearly fucking knows.” 

Elliot doesn’t know what to say, so he just stares at Dom. She cracks a comfortable smile. “And I don’t know if it’s clear to Darlene, but I think you love him too.” 

Elliot turns red. “I–”

“Don’t worry, it isn’t obvious. Very subtle.” She reaches over and pats him on the shoulder. “It’ll be our little secret.” 

He doesn’t know why that makes him feel relieved. They sit in comfortable silence for a moment. “I’m happy Darlene has you.” he says. “You’re a good person. You’re good for her.”

Dom glows. “Thank you Elliot. I’m happy I have her too.” 

The glass door to the garden opens and Darlene and Tyrell walk back in. “Well, it’s getting late. I think Dom and I will take off.” Darlene declares. Elliot watches Tyrell for any hint about what they talked about. Nothing.

“It was a pleasure having you over.” Tyrell replies, shooting Elliot a smile. 

They say their goodbyes and Tyrell and Elliot watched the two women walk arm and arm down the block. They silently stand in the kitchen, washing dishes. Flipper is on the couch, snoring. Elliot can’t take it, he’s so fucking curious.

“What did you guys talk about?” Elliot asks.

“You.” Tyrell responds.

“What about me?” 

“She did the usual thing of threatening to murder me if I hurt you. I expected that. But she also told me about how much she cares about you and how she doesn’t trust me. I told her that was valid but I also told her that I cared about you too.” He hands a dish to Elliot for him to dry. “I told her I love you.”

Elliot blinked owlishly. “Oh.” He hears Tyrell huff out a laugh and he feels Tyrell’s lips press against his temple.

“Nothing to worry about, älskling.” Tyrell murmurs. “You’re very lucky to have a sister who cares about you so much.”

Elliot looks at Tyrell and smiles. “Hm. I guess I am.”

* * *

In the darkness Tyrell asks him about the scars on his wrists. “How many times?”

Elliot’s silent for a moment. He’s never said it out loud to anyone but Krista. He’s pretty sure Krista is the only person who knows. “Too many to count.” He admits. “I stopped counting after five.” He refuses to look at Tyrell. “I’ve tried nearly every way you can try.”

“When was the first time?” Tyrell asks.

“I… I was eight. Mr. Robot was trying to protect me, so he tried to kill us.” Elliot admits. 

“That doesn’t sound like protection.” Tyrell replies. He hears the steel in Tyrell’s voice. Tyrell and Mr. Robot didn’t have the best relationship.

Elliot is silent for a while. Eventually he lets out a shaky sigh. “Darlene and I were outside that day making a snowman. We named him Kevin McCallister after the kid from Home Alone. We loved that movie. But we knew that Kevin was going to melt eventually so we ran into my room to find my camera. I heard my dad coming… I always knew what his footsteps sounded like. So I ran to my door, locked it, and shoved Darlene into the closet. And then that’s when Mr. Robot took over… He grabbed a bat and my dad unlocked my door. He started swinging at my dad, breaking shit all over my room. But it was no use. My dad eventually got the bat from my grasp. So Mr. Robot opened the window, and jumped. I didn’t die. I just broke my arm and got a concussion. But yeah, that was the first time I tried killing myself.” 

“Why did he do that?” Tyrell asks, not getting it. Elliot hears the rage in his voice.

“Mr. Robot always took over when my dad molested me.” Elliot breathes. “He did it to protect me.” Elliot can’t stop the tears from falling.

The room is silent except for Elliot’s barely controlled sobs. The Tyrell’s touch stills on his wrists. 

“Elliot–”

“And I couldn’t do anything to stop it.” Elliot doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. The words spill out of his mouth and he can’t stop talking. “I was weak, and pathetic, I couldn’t do anything. He would tell me it was either me or Darlene and I couldn’t fucking let him touch Darlene. So I let him do it. I don’t know if he touched her or not, but he promised he wouldn’t. Every night I locked my door in hopes that somehow he wouldn't be able to come in, but every night he did anyway. He had the key. When I was a kid I stole the key and I hid it in the depths of the Queens Museum. But it didn’t matter. He still found a way to get in. He came in every single night without fail. I can't even remember what he did because Mr. Robot took over. He made sure those memories were tucked away. But then in college something triggered me and I remembered. But he was my best friend. I loved my dad so much. And I don’t fucking get it. Why did he fucking do that? You don't do that to your kid. You don't fucking do that.” Elliot can’t stop crying, it’s hard to breathe. He feels like he’s dying. Despair like this always feels like death.

“Elliot. You were just a kid.” Tyrell replies, his arms wrap around Elliot and he pulls him close. “It’s not your fault.” He can tell Tyrell is crying too.

Elliot doesn’t say anything else, he just continues to sob and sob until his insides hurt and his eyes feel raw. The whole time, Tyrell holds him. Eventually Tyrell makes Elliot lie down and he holds onto Elliot protectively. Eventually, Elliot stops crying. He’s so, so tired. Tyrell’s hands smooth up and down his back, tracing every vertebrae. He touches Elliot like he's perfect, that nothing is wrong with him. It almost disgusts Elliot how reverent Tyrell is being. Tyrell looks at him like he hung the moon and it makes no sense to Elliot. He's broken. Nothing about him is redeemable. Before he passes out from exhaustion he thinks this thing between him and Tyrell will not last. He’s revealed a part of himself nobody could love. The end would be soon.

* * *

“I want to make our relationship public. E-Corp is holding a gala next month and I want you to be my date.” Is what Tyrell tells him three months into their relationship.

Elliot blinked owlishly at Tyrell. “That is the worst idea you’ve ever had.” Elliot declares before returning to his laptop. 

“Why?” Tyrell asks, not bothering to hide his annoyance. “Why is that the worst idea I’ve ever had?”

“Because why the fuck would you want to do that?” Elliot replies, equally annoyed. 

“Because I love you and I want the world to know that you’re mine.” Tyrell says.

“Well, I don’t want that. And you know why.” 

“No, I don’t know why it’s so wrong to want people to know we’re together.” Tyrell snarks. “Please, enlighten me.” 

Elliot has never been good at using his words. He feels like a child. “I don’t want people to know who I am.”

“Well you can’t fucking avoid that after you saved the fucking world!” Tyrell yells, his fuse shortened by this conversation. “So pardon me if I don’t understand why the man I love doesn’t want the world to know that I love him.”

“Why can’t this be a private thing?” Elliot asks. “Why can’t this thing between us just between us? I don’t fucking understand why we have to let everybody know, especially the fucking corporate pricks you run in circles with know we’re together. I don’t see how it even pertains to them.” 

“Because I’m fucking proud to be with you?” Tyrell snaps. He starts pacing around Elliot’s apartment. “Jesus christ, I don’t know what I expected out of someone who refuses to even put a label on what we are.”

“Why does that fucking matter?”

“It fucking matters because it fucking tells me you’re ashamed of our relationship! You got pissed off at me and acted all high and mighty when I wanted to keep our affair a secret in those previous eight months but now you’ve flipped now that I have nothing to hide! What’s so wrong in wanting to call you my fucking boyfriend?”

“That’s not true.”

“Really? It’s not fucking true? Do you realize how patient I’ve been with you? I haven’t been pushing you to do anything that you didn’t want. And when I ask you to do one thing with me, to be my fucking date you act like it’s the worst thing in the fucking world?”

“Well if you’re sick of how this relationship is going, why don’t you just fucking leave?” Elliot snaps. That stops Tyrell from pacing. “If you’ve had enough with how I’ve been, then the door is open Tyrell. You don’t have to stay with me if you’re so unhappy with how this is all going. I don’t want to go public with our relationship because I don’t want to fucking hear about how unworthy I am of you or how you could do way better than me. And don’t try to fucking deny that your executive asshole collegues wouldn’t say that about me because we both know it’s fucking true. I’m a downgrade, Tyrell. And no matter how ‘famous’ I am, you’re forgetting that you’re the CEO of one of the biggest corporations in the world. The minute you go public with me, the world will fucking know. They’ll know you’re in love with a fucking unstable psycho and I don’t want to fucking deal with that. Not yet. Not ever.” Elliot gets up and grabs the leash from a hook on the wall and hooks it to Flipper. He needs to take a fucking walk. “I’m not ashamed of you, Tyrell. I’m ashamed of the fact that you’re in love with somebody as pathetic as me.” He shuts the door behind him and walks down to the door of his apartment building, ignoring Tyrell’s calls for him to wait.

He and Flipper make it midway down the block before he feels Tyrell’s hand on his arm. “Don’t fucking talk to me right now.” Elliot hisses, yanking his arm away. He knows he’s being the asshole right now, but he doesn’t fucking care. 

“Elliot, please, stop.” Elliot closes his eyes and curses himself. He can never deny Tyrell, so he stops. Tyrell’s hand finds his way back onto Elliot’s arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about how you’d feel about going public.”

“It’s fine, Tyrell.”

“It’s just that I love you Elliot. I want the world to know that. But, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. I care too much about you for that.”

“It’s okay, Tyrell. I was being an asshole.” Elliot huffs.

“But I was too.” Tyrell says. He cups Elliot’s face in his hands. “I don’t want to lose you over this. I can't lose you.”

“You won’t.” Elliot replies.

“I want to be with you for as long as possible, and if that means keeping it private for longer, then that’s okay. But I want a life with you Elliot. I don’t want to keep you hidden away forever.” 

A life. Tyrell Wellick wants a life with him. How misguided. “I’ll consider the gala.” Elliot sighs. “But no promises.”

Tyrell’s face lights up. “Good. I already bought you a suit.”

* * *

“I have something to show you.” Tyrell says one night. Tonight, Elliot was at Tyrell’s townhome. They were sitting casually in the living room when Tyrell said that.

“Um, okay?” Elliot replies, not knowing where this was going to go.

“Come with me.” Tyrell orders, standing up from the couch and walking up the stairs. Elliot doesn’t know what to think, but he follows Tyrell anyway. Tyrell guides him through the hallway, passing a good number of doors that Elliot doesn’t know what lies behind them. Because unlike Tyrell, Elliot doesn’t go around Tyrell’s townhome examining every little thing. He gives Tyrell his privacy. Tyrell stops at a door at the end of the hall, glances over his shoulder at Elliot. Elliot expects him to say something, but Tyrell says nothing.

Tyrell opens the door and gestures Elliot to walk first. So Elliot does. It’s nothing that he’s expected.

It’s a child’s bedroom. A nursery. The walls are painted a lovely robin’s egg color. Tasteful accents everywhere. Tyrell walks in a turns on the large lamp in the corner, lighting the room with a soft warm glow. It has everything a baby could need: diapers, toys, a closet full of little baby clothes, a rocking chair in the corner to soothe an infant in the middle of the night, a beautiful ornate crib. But there was one thing missing: no baby.

“How long?” Elliot asks, not finishing the question. He knows Tyrell will get the context. 

“Since I moved in.” Tyrell murmurs. He’s still standing at the doorway, watching Elliot take in the room. “First thing I set up.” Elliot imagines Tyrell alone in this huge house, painting his son's room in silence. Alone.

“Where’s the baby?” Elliot asks, still in awe. 

Tyrell smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t know. They took him away.” A pang hits the bottom of his stomach. 

“Have you tried looking for him?” 

“Of course. It was the first thing I did after the Dark Army took him away from me.” Tyrell sighs. “But I guess I’m not as good as a hacker as I thought I would be.”

And there it is. The itch in the back of Elliot’s head. He hasn’t felt that itch in almost half a year. In the corner of his eye, he can see Mr. Robot perk up. 

“Why are you showing me this?” Elliot asks.

“Because I want to show at least one person that I haven’t forgotten about him.” Tyrell says. He finally steps into the room, walking towards the crib and playing with the mobile. “That I haven’t given up. That I will never give up on him.” Elliot hears the emotion in Tyrell’s voice. He follows his instincts, walking up behind Tyrell and wrapping his arms around his waist. He’s tall enough that he can rest his chin on Tyrell’s shoulder.

“I’m such a bad father.” Tyrell whispers. Elliot can feel Tyrell’s body shaking. He doesn’t need to see his face to know he’s crying. 

“You’re not.” Elliot whispers back, feeling helpless. It dawns on him then, that the reason why Tyrell doesn’t have his son ultimately falls on Elliot. If the Mastermind (who is he kidding, he started fsociety) had never created fsociety, then Tyrell would still have his child. He would still have his perfect life with his perfect, beautiful wife and child. Elliot destroyed Tyrell’s perfect life.

Elliot spends the rest of the night holding Tyrell. He has already decided: he is going to find Tyrell Wellick’s son, even if that means that their relationship would have to end.

* * *

The minute Elliot returns back to his apartment does he begin researching. The Dark Army may have disbanded but knowledge of the whereabouts of Tyrell’s son has to be somewhere. Elliot knows it will be a hard task, but it’s nothing he hasn’t dealt with before previously. 

Mr. Robot and the Mastermind quietly creep out of wherever the fuck they’ve been and start searching with him. Elliot’s in a sort of dissociative state during these bouts of research. He doesn’t stop to eat, not realizing how many hours (or days?) go by. He only stops to take Flipper out but then ultimately decides that Flipper’s bowel movements and feeding will get in the way of his mission, so one night he shows up at Darlene’s doorstep, buzzing the intercom over and over again.

“Jesus Christ, who the fuck is this?” Darlene’s tinny voice comes from the intercom.

“Darlene, I need you to take Flipper.” Is all Elliot says.

“Do you know what fucking time it is?” Shit, Elliot doesn’t know. He takes out his phone to look at the time. Shit. It’s been two days. He has several missed calls and texts from Darlene and Tyrell. It’s also 4 am. 

“Darlene, I need you to take Flipper.” Elliot repeats. “It’s an emergency.” 

He hears Darlene sigh and swear and the door buzzer unlocks and Elliot frantically steps inside, running up the stairs to Darlene’s floor. Darlene is standing at her door in an oversized t-shirt.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Darlene asks. “You haven’t been answering any of my texts and calls.” 

“I’ve been busy.” Elliot replies, handing Flipper to Darlene. “I have to go.”

“Elliot, you can’t fucking do this.” Darlene hisses, stopping him and grabbing him by the sleeve. “You can’t do this again, this AWOL shit. Tell me what the fuck is happening. Tyrell’s worried too, you know? He said he’s literally gone over to your apartment but you didn’t answer.”

Elliot doesn’t know what to say. He doesn't remember hearing any knocking. Shit, he was that far gone. He needs to go back to his apartment right now. He looks over to his right and Mr. Robot nods and takes his place. “You’re right.” Mr. Robot says. “I’ve been missing. I’m sorry about that. It’s just that I’ve been working on something really important. A client has asked me to program something really difficult, so it’s been consuming my time. And you know how I get, I hyperfocus on things.”

Darlene stares at him for a moment. Elliot’s nervous that she knows it’s Mr. Robot. “I’m just worried. You haven’t been like this in a long time.” she replies. “But if it’s that serious, then sure, I’ll take Flipper. But please text me. And communicate with Tyrell. He’s fucking losing his mind and won’t stop bothering me.” 

Crisis averted. Mr. Robot nods and wraps Darlene in a hug. “Don’t worry about it.” Darlene mumbles an affectionate insult but eventually says goodnight and enters her apartment.

“Okay, kiddo, new plan. We need to consistently keep in contact with people in the outside world. I’ll try to be in charge of it since we both know the Mastermind would be useless at it, but we can’t keep this up for too long.” Mr. Robot says as they leave the complex. 

“This is important.” Elliot emphasizes. “We can’t have any distractions.” 

“Why can’t we just tell Tyrell what we’re doing?” Mr. Robot argues. “He’d be a lot less freaked out if we actually told him.” 

“Because what if it doesn’t work?” Elliot asks. “With all of our brain power, we keep hitting dead end after dead end. I don’t want to disappoint him. I need to focus without worrying that we’re not gonna find the kid.”

Mr. Robot stares at him, his mouth in a thin line. He huffs out a sigh and they ride back in silence. 

Elliot doesn’t really know how long it’s been since that conversation. Mr. Robot has been keeping Elliot’s social life barely afloat. Elliot almost finds it amusing that he has a social life now. Before he could do these intricate hacks days on end without a single soul asking about his whereabouts. And for how lonely Elliot was back in those days, he misses the pure ecstasy he felt hacking. It makes him feel fucking alive and he hasn’t felt like this in ages. He feels like he’s on top of the world. It’s better than any morphine high, although he remembers fondly how often he did his best hacking while high on morphine. 

But frustratingly so, he keeps hitting dead end after dead end. It’s not all completely useless, he learns useful things along the way, he’s really good at what he does. He tries to stay calm but he can tell it’s irritating the Mastermind as each roadblock presents itself. 

He doesn’t remember what day it is when he gets the idea to call Leon. He leans against the entranceway to his bedroom listening to the trilling of Leon’s phone. Leon switched his phone number every month, but he made sure to text Elliot and Darlene the from the new number each time it switched around. He was hoping that Leon hadn’t forgotten to do it and waited with bated breath.

“Sup Elliot.” Leon says. 

“Are you in New York?” Elliot asks.

“Yeah, wassup?”

“I need your help.”

“Hold on, I’ll be there in a few.” 

Fifteen minutes later, there’s a knocking at his door. He opens it and Leon strolls in past him. “Oh nice, you finally got a bed frame.” Leon notes, taking a seat on Elliot’s sofa. “Where’s Flipper?”

“She’s with Darlene.” Elliot quickly replies. “I need your help.”

“And I am here to serve.” Leon says, pulling out a joint and lighting it. “What do you need?”

“I’m trying to find Tyrell’s baby.” Elliot explains. “The Dark Army has the location of his son hidden somewhere and I know the Dark Army doesn’t exist anymore, but there has to be someone out there who still has all the files on the Dark Army’s business and I was wondering if you could help me.”

“Do you have a lead?” Leon asks.

Elliot turns to his desktop and pulls out her profile. “Wang Shu.” Elliot says. “She was Whiterose’s last assistant before she died. She’s still alive and was high up enough in Whiterose’s command to actually have access to all of the Dark Army’s information. But everywhere I look it’s a dead end. She’s a ghost. She could be anywhere.”

Leon gets up and stares at the profile for a bit, taking in the information. “If you say she’s a ghost, she might be hard to find. I’ll send out information to my contacts about her.” He picks up his phone and takes a picture of the screen. “So you and this Tyrell dude a couple?”

“No.” Elliot replies. He ignores the Mastermind and Mr. Robot shooting each other a look. “We’re not.”

Leon hums. “Sure going through a lot of effort for a dude who ain’t your boyfriend. But you do you, El.” 

“It’s the right thing to do.” Elliot argues. “The reason why he doesn’t have his kid is because of me. Because of his involvement with fsociety he lost everything.” Elliot starts wringing his hands, he doesn’t realize how shaky he is. He is suddenly aware of how tired he is. “So even if I can’t find his son, I’ve decided I can’t be with him anymore. He deserves better than me. And if I do find his son, I have no place there. So, no. Tyrell and I aren’t going to be together. Not for long.” 

Leon stares at him, waiting for him to go on, when Elliot realizes anything he said after “It’s the right thing to do.” wasn’t said out loud. Fuck. He’s slipping.

“You’re a good man, cuz.” Leon says with a pat on his back. “There’s gotta be a time that you realize that too.” Elliot’s phone buzzes with a call. Both men glance over at Tyrell’s name. Elliot doesn’t answer it. “Does he know you’re doing this?”

“No.” Elliot replies. “He does not.”

What he likes about Leon is that he doesn’t ask too many questions. He just nods and strolls over to the couch and takes a seat, sending messages to his contacts. “It’ll be a while before I get any information.” Leon says, puffing out some smoke. “You should chill man. You look like shit.” 

Just then, there’s another knock at his door. Elliot’s head jerks up and he walks slowly to the door, peeking through the eyehole. Before Elliot can process it, Mr. Robot is opening the door for him and stepping out of the way. 

“Elliot, you haven’t been answering my calls.” Tyrell says with a frown. He has a gift box in his hands. 

“I… uh… sorry. I’ve been really busy.” Elliot replies, trying to keep his composure. 

“Well I bought you a suit for the gala just in case you were going to come. It’s next week–” Tyrell stops talking, his eyes are on Leon. “Who’s that?”

Elliot turns around to look at Leon, who’s unphased by Tyrell’s glare. He continues smoking, not saying a word.

“Oh, uh, that’s my friend, Leon. He just got into town.” Elliot fumbles.

“And what is he doing here?” Tyrell asks, his voice clipped. Elliot swallows, it makes him nervous,

“We’re just chilling g, don’t gotta worry.” Leon says behind him. “Catching up. Elliot and I go way back.”

Tyrell’s eyes narrow. If Elliot didn’t know better, Tyrell was jealous. But why would he be jealous of Leon? “Well, fine. I’ll leave you two alone.” He hands Elliot the box. “Hope to see you there, älskling.” He kisses Elliot on the temple. “Are you okay? You look terrible.” Tyrell murmurs against his skin.

“Yeah.” Elliot replies, sighing into the touch. He hasn’t realized how much he missed Tyrell. “I’m just really stressed.”

“Please try to find time to relax.” Tyrell replies, gently running his hand through Elliot’s scalp. “I love you.” He kisses Elliot one more time and turns and leaves. Elliot watches him disappear down the hallway. His heart is beating fast. Tyrell’s touch is like a brand. He eventually turns around and Leon and scrolling on his phone.

“You wanna hit?” he says, holding out the joint for Elliot. Elliot wordlessly takes the joint, takes a deep hit, and exhales. He then turns around, flops on his bed, and falls asleep.

* * *

He wakes up to Leon shaking him. “It’s your lucky day.” Leon says. “We have a lead.”

Elliot sits up and rubs his eyes. Damn, he’s still fucking tired. “Where?”

“San Francisco. Booked a flight for the both of us. We gotta go.” Leon says. “Don’t need to pack anything. We’ll be there and back in a day if this goes right.” Before they leave the apartment, Elliot grabs a USB drive and puts it in his pocket.

He doesn’t really remember most of the cab ride to JFK or really boarding the airplane. He keeps slipping in and out of consciousness, with Leon poking him whenever they had to make a move on. The entire seven hour flight, Elliot is passed out, his head tucked against Leon’s side. When he wakes up in San Francisco, he realizes that he doesn’t know what day it is.

Leon somehow gets his hands on a car and they’re cruising down the road. “So this is where she’s located.” Elliot asks.

“If my connect isn’t lying to me, then yeah.” Leon replies. 

“How are we gonna get the data out of her, or even find out she has the data?” Elliot asks. 

“Don’t worry.” Leon says.

“This is truly insane.” the Mastermind says from the backseat. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Elliot replies. “You did shit like this all the time.”

“I’m not talking about you fucking flying to California after a week of no contact with basically any human being except for Leon, I’m taking about the fact that you’re keeping this a secret from Tyrell.” the Mastermind argues back.

“Even though, kiddo, that shit is pretty insane too.” Mr. Robot chimes in.

“Oh great, the two of you actually talking with each other.” Elliot snarks. “A family reunion.” During the week of research, even though Mr. Robot and the Mastermind were in the same room, they never interacted or talked besides that one look. 

“I don’t know if you saw your boyfriend, but he looked pretty pissed off that you were hanging out with Leon.” Mr. Robot says. “And I’ve been holding down the fort with keeping contact with Darlene and him and lemme tell you from his texts he doesn’t seem happy you’ve been ignoring him for a week.”

“He probably thinks you’re cheating on him or something.” the Mastermind adds. “You should really talk to him.”

“You two need to shut the fuck up.” Elliot hisses. “I know what I’m doing.” 

“For your sake, I really hope you do.” Mr. Robot sighs. Elliot rolls his eyes and looks straight ahead, watching the road go by in a blur. They stop in front of a victorian style house with modern accents. The whole neighborhood looks like that. 

“We’re here.” Leon says, pulling his glock out. “I sure hope she actually lives here, otherwise it would be pretty awkward encounter with the poor idiots who live here.” Elliot says nothing as they both got out of the car. Elliot follows behind Leon and watches Leon knock on the door. After a few seconds, the door opens and Elliot can’t believe it. There she is. Wang Shu. 

“Hello, can I–” Her eyes lock on Elliot. She knows who he is. 

“Yes, I believe you can help us.” Leon casually says. “If would be so kind as to let us in.” 

“I’ll call the police.” she threatens. Leon pulls out his gun.

“Do you really want to do that?” Leon asks. “Because that would be a very bad idea. I’ve got some dirt on you that you wouldn’t want to be out there.”

She grits her teeth but eventually lets them in, Leon’s gun pointed at her the entire time. He motions to her to sit on the couch and she just stares at them. “What do you want?” she asks.

“We think you may have some information about Tyrell Wellick’s son.” Elliot says. He ignores Mr. Robot wandering around the house, looking and poking around. “I know you were Whiterose’s last assistant. You left but I know you still have all of the data and information about the Dark Army’s comings and goings.”

“What makes you think that?” Wang Shu asks, her eyes narrowed. “Whiterose and I did not part on the best circumstances, her operation means nothing to me anymore. I do not have access to any files.”

“Well, that’s a load of horse shit.” Mr. Robot mutters. “I mean just look at her, she looks like the perfect right-hand man to a psychopath.” 

“Mama?” a voice calls. Elliot looks up and sees a little girl peeking from the staircase. The little girl says something in Mandarin. Wang Shu’s facade is cracked. They have an in.

“Single mother.” Mr. Robot supplies. “See, no wedding ring and all photos around her house only have her and her daughter. We can manipulate that.” 

“Cute kid.” Leon says. “You should probably tell her not to worry and send her to her room. It would be unfortunate for someone so young to see their mom’s head be blasted off.”

Wang Shu is as pale as a ghost. She turns to her daughter and starts replying back in Mandarin but Leon interrupts her. “Nah, none of that sneaky shit.” He says something to her in Mandarin and she freezes. Her head turns to her daughter and she says something to her. The little girl refuses to budge, angrily shaking her head and standing her ground.

Her gaze hardens and she barks something to her daughter, which causes the little girl to go frigid for a second before she runs upstairs. Elliot hears what he presumes is the daughter’s bedroom door slamming shut. 

“You know, the FBI is trying to track down all Dark Army operatives,” Elliot says after a while. “I think frankly it’s kind of stupid of you to stay in the states. Because I don’t think you’re stupid. You know that fact.” Elliot walks over to a picture of the ex-assistant and her daughter. It’s a picture of them at the Golden Gate bridge. She’s holding her small daughter close and they’re both smiling the widest smile. It’s cute. “But, I think I know why you stayed. Better opportunities for your daughter here, huh? I can kind of relate. My mom immigrated here to escape a civil war with her family in the 70s. She wasn’t nearly as good as a mother as you are though. I can tell you’d do anything for her.”

“Mr. Alderson, I don’t know where you’re going with this, but I will hurt you if you even think of touching her.” she hisses. 

“Oh, no, no.” Elliot replies easily, placing the picture frame down. “Hurting kids? That’s fucking satanic shit there. I would never do that.” He looks over to Wang Shu. “But you and your Dark Army pals, you’d do anything, right? Fuck kids, huh?”

“If this is about Wellick’s son’s whereabouts–”

“It would be a shame if somebody took your daughter away.” Elliot interrupts. “I hear Peaceful Acres Foster Care is a real winner.”

There's a heavy beat of silence. Wang Shu is staring daggers at Elliot and he feels a chill run down his spine. But he keeps his face neutral. How easy it is to fall back into old roles. 

“Are you threatening me, Mr. Alderson?” she finally says, her demeanor calm but her eyes steel. 

“No.” he replies. “I’m just trying to get you to do the right thing. I mean sure, Tyrell Wellick is a corporate pig who may have deserved everything he got. But the kid? Now that’s just unfair and you know it. But hey, it’s easier to not have a conscious if it doesn’t affect you, right? That’s how the whole world operates. Though, it would be a shame if somebody turned you in. Where would your kid go? You got any family who’d take her in?” 

She’s silent for a moment, calculating her next turn in her head. “How will I know you won’t turn me in after you get what you want?” she asks. 

“I’m not here to play God anymore.” Elliot replies. “I’m just here to find a kid.”

“You’re a very strange man, Mr. Alderson.” she replies. She looks at Leon. “Okay, fine. Let me bring you to my study. The files are tucked away on my work computer. It’ll be hard to find them–”

“I can find them.” Elliot says. She narrows her eyes but she eventually gets up from the couch, Leon never once lowering the gun. They follow her into her study and she gestures to the desktop after logging in.

“Well, have at it.” she huffs, glaring at Leon. “I’m not going to do anything, you can lower the gun.”

“I’ll decide when I lower the gun.” Leon replies. “Go ahead, El.” 

Elliot sits down at the desk and begins to tinker away. He quickly finds the backdoor where she keeps all information on the Dark Army, scrolling past all information that has nothing to do with Tyrell or his son. If he so chose it, he could put an anonymous tip in with all this information, but he doesn’t want to destroy her life. That kid needs a mom. 

After a few minutes of digging, he finds the information he needs in a folder labeled, “Erik Wellick.” He clicks on it and he is met with files upon files about the child’s whereabouts. From what he gathers, the child is living in Skagen, Denmark with Sigfred and Nora Olafson, distant cousins to Joanna. He plugs the USB drive into the computer and copies the files onto the drive. He then ejects the drive and turns to Leon.

“I got what we needed. We can go now.” Elliot says, getting up from the chair. “Thank you for your cooperation.”

Wang Shu doesn’t say anything, following them back to foyer to let them out. When Leon walks through the front door, he drops the gun. “I hope there’s no hard feelings, cuz.” he says, putting his gun back in his pants. “Gotta admire your hustle.”

“Never contact me again.” she replies, slamming the door in their face. 

“Well, I’m hungry. Let’s go grab a bite before our flight. We got a couple of hours to kill.” Leon laughs a little, “Haha, kill.”

* * *

“Take care, cuz.” Leon says before driving away from his apartment. They landed in New York and it’s a cool July night. There are fireworks going off and Elliot realizes it’s the Fourth of July. For the first time in a week, Elliot feels all the exhaustion wash over him. He pulls out his phone, texts Darlene if she could swing by tomorrow and drop off Flipper. He sends Tyrell a text that he’s now finished with his project. He doesn’t dare check his emails. He’ll deal with the wrath of angry clients later. 

He trudges up to his apartment and throws himself into bed, immediately falling asleep. 

He wakes up to the sound of Darlene pounding at his door. He reaches over and checks the time. It’s July 5th, 1:14 pm. He throws the sheets off him and walks to the door and opens it. 

“So I take it your big project is finally done?” she asks, setting Flipper down, who immediately runs to Elliot, begging for pats. Elliot obliges, picking her up and showering her with kisses. 

“Yeah.” he replies.

“Good, because you were a massive fucking prick this entire week.” Darlene snaps, crossing her arms and glaring at him. “I thought these days of you going missing for days on end were done now.”

“I’m sorry, Darlene.” Elliot says. 

“What the fuck happened?” Darlene asks. “Because whatever bullshit you were feeding us, is exactly that. Bullshit. What the fuck were you actually doing?”

“Nothing.” Elliot replies, getting impatient with Darlene. Why the fuck does she care? 

“Sure spent a lot of your fucking time ignoring us over nothing.” 

“Well, it’s really none of your business, so kindly fuck off.” Elliot snaps, setting Flipper down and walking away from her. 

“Oh, so you’re gonna fucking shut down and run away like you always do.” Darlene sneers. “Okay, fine, go ahead. Be my guest.”

“That’s fucking ironic coming from you.” Elliot barks back. 

“Oh, so now you’re holding me leaving in 2014 over my head again?” Darlene snarls. “Very mature of you, Elliot. You fucking know I regret doing that and guess what I’ve done since then, I stepped the fuck up. I’ve been here for you this entire time but all you do is push people away. I’m fucking tired of trying and you pushing back. If you want me to fuck off, then fine. I’ll do that. Just know that you did this to yourself Elliot. You’re the reason why you’re so miserable because you don’t fucking try. You're selfish, never thinking about how your actions effect others. You’re a fucking coward. I really fucking hope Tyrell comes to his senses and dumps your ass because the way you’ve been treating us in this past week is atrocious. So yeah, I’m gonna kindly fuck off. Fuck you Elliot.” Darlene slams the door and Elliot is left alone in his apartment. 

He’s shaking but he knows this is what he needed to do. He doesn’t regret anything he’s done. And maybe he deserves this. He deserves to be alone. He’s a cancer, a virus. He’s nothing good.

Tyrell doesn’t text him back. All calls, Tyrell ignores. It’s radio silence. Elliot can take a hint. He knows it's over between them. 

A few days go by and before Elliot knows it, it’s the day of the gala. He opens the box and sees that Tyrell bought him an Yves Saint Laurent suit for the occasion. He slips on the suit and looks at himself in the mirror. He truly does look horrible, the bags under his eyes so dark it looks like his eyes are sunken in. But it doesn’t matter how he looks, he needs to give Tyrell the drive.

When he walked in, he and Tyrell made eye contact. Elliot was hoping that Tyrell would walk over to him so he could get this thing over with, but instead Tyrell turned back to the circle of friends he was talking to, ignoring Elliot completely. It hurts but Elliot knows he deserves it. He spent some time lingering against the walls of the ballroom, trying not to bring too much attention to himself. But eventually his nerves got to him. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, he needed an out. So he made his way to the balcony, noting with irony that this is the same balcony he and Tyrell first interacted. His hands can't stop shaking. He doesn't know if it's from the bone deep exhaustion or anxiety, or perhaps both. But he manages to fish out a cigarette from his suit pocket and light it. 

He’s lost in thought, thinking about their relationship when he hears the door open and close behind him.

“So you came.” Tyrell says behind him. Elliot turns around and Tyrell’s standing there, not looking pleased at all. “How nice.”

“Tyrell–”

“No. You don’t get to talk.” Tyrell says. “I’m tired of hearing your tired excuses. I don’t fucking want to hear them. How dare you come tonight? After your fucking radio silence this past week? Did you really think we were on good terms? You’re a fucking idiot if you think we are.” Tyrell begins pacing and it makes Elliot nervous.

“And I don’t get it. What did I do for you to treat me like this? I know I’ve hurt you in the past, but I thought everything was going so well. I withheld, I did everything you wanted me to do. I wanted to fucking tell the world that you were the love of my life but you shut that down and I had to be fine with it. And I was, because Elliot I would do anything for you. You’ve never even once told me you loved me. And I thought, he surely does. After everything we’ve been through, he does. But now I fucking doubt it.”

“Tyrell–”

“Were you fucking cheating on me?” Tyrell asks, his eyes are alight with fury.

“What?” Elliot asks, taken aback.

“With that man I saw at your apartment. Were you cheating on me?” 

“No, what?” Elliot sputters. “With Leon? I told you he was just a friend.”

“I didn’t know what to believe!” Tyrell cries. “You’ve been lying to me for a week, ignoring my calls or whenever I came over to your apartment to check if you were alive and okay. And I assumed that you holed yourself off from the rest of the world. Darlene told me you were prone to bouts of isolation. She told me not to worry. But when I saw him just sitting on your couch, smoking and acting all smug, I didn’t know what to think!” 

“Tyrell, what, no. I wasn’t cheating on you.” Elliot says, still wholly confused. Who in their right mind would want Elliot? That made no sense to him. “He was there to help me with something.”

“And what was that?” Tyrell asks. “What was so fucking important that you lied and ignored me for a whole week?”

Elliot doesn’t respond. He doesn't even know how to respond, which is funny because he had been rehearsing it in his head. Instead, he digs into his suit pocket and pulls out the USB drive. He walks up to Tyrell and holds it out for him.

“What is this?” Tyrell asks, confused.

“Happy early birthday.” Elliot says. 

“Elliot what is this?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” Elliot sighs. “You’re right, I’ve been terrible. There are no excuses for that. But this.” He places it in Tyrell’s hand. “This will explain everything. I’m so sorry that I hurt you, Tyrell.”

“Elliot–” But before Tyrell can say anything else, Elliot walks away into the crowd. Elliot does not stop to see if Tyrell is following him. 

This is the end of them. 

Elliot didn’t start crying until he's blocks away from the building. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow you made it! Congratulations! Oh boy, was this chapter a doozy. It had everything, it was an emotional rollercoaster. I spent most of my time and energy writing this chapter up. And the longer it got I was like holy shit this is LONG. And indeed it is long, but I hope you enjoyed this content. I will be returning to school soon, so I might not update as frequently but I can assure you that I will not give up on this story! It has really gotten my creative juices flowing. As always, kudos and comments are appreciated but not needed. Anyway, my brain is tired from writing this much so I hope you enjoyed! See you in the next chapter whenever that will be!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elliot goes to the beach and cries. When he returns to his apartment, Tyrell is there and they hash it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I am back at school now, and I am REALLY fucking busy. There would be some days I didn't even have time to write and it made me feel weird because I've been writing everyday during break and this was just weird for me. I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> May 19th, 2020 - Hi so I edited this chapter and added just a lot more gay longing. I feel like I never fully fleshed out their relationship, especially Elliot's feelings around Tyrell. I also wanted to put emphasis on just things we take for granted when we love someone like being around them. It's probably quarantine talking - i really miss touching people.

The first thing Elliot does is turn his phone completely off and throw it into a trash can. He doubts anyone will try to contact him but he sure as hell doesn’t want to see another human face in maybe a couple of days. He’s fucking done with this human connection shit. The Mastermind should have killed him when he had the chance. Elliot is a literal waste of space. 

He boards an empty subway cart, praying that the whole ride to Coney will be a lone one. Especially since his entire body is wracked with sobs. He can’t stop crying. Every time he tries to stop more tears just come. Elliot would have gone back to his apartment and cried in his usual spot, but thanks to his bed being on a frame now, he would have to scoot his bed out of the way so he could slot himself perfectly into the space between the wall and his dresser. That’s the main reason why he held out on buying a frame for his bed for so long. He needed that compact space to just completely fall apart. It made him feel held, even though he was so, so alone. 

His crying corner is one of his best kept secrets. It makes him feel silly for even participating in such behavior but he figures that everybody does something embarrassing to try to cope through the trials of life. Tyrell made him feel held. And now he doesn’t have that anymore. He thinks about tracking down Hard Andy, buying out his morphine supply.

“Don’t be so dramatic.” Mr. Robot says, appearing in the seat across from him. “I thought we had standards. Killing yourself over a guy? Now that’s going way below those standards.”

“This was meant to happen.” Elliot replies. “This happiness, this contentment, it was too good to be true. It had to end somehow.”

“Only because you’re self-sabotaging!” Mr. Robot cries. “We all wanted to tell Tyrell and Darlene what you were doing! But we listened to you, we let you self destruct because your will was too powerful for us to take over. We let you walk into this dangerous shit. You do this every single time things are going ‘too well’ for you. You self destruct. You’re in love with the chaos, the unhappiness–”

“The demon that you know.” The Mastermind flickers into view and takes a seat next to Mr. Robot. “Better the demon you know than the demon you don’t. We said that to Krista when we were in jail. Elliot, you have to let good things happen to you. You can’t keep doing this or you’re going to be unhappy for the rest of your life. You were so close to all of that. You need to let go of that fear that it’ll all be taken away, because it won’t.”

“Well, it’s a bit too late for that.” Elliot sniffs. “There’s no way to go back from this. Nothing is salvageable.” 

Mr. Robot and the Mastermind look at each other, both seeming at a loss for words. He supposes they’re also fighting for their lives, after all if he dies, then they die too. He has distinct memories of the Mastermind seeing the family unit flicker in and out of existence as he was dying from a heroin overdose. Elliot wonders if that’s how it would happen for him, all of them coming out of the caverns of his mind to watch as Elliot himself flickered out of existence. 

The train comes to a stop and Elliot gets up without a second glance at the two of them. He walks alone to the pier, wiping away tears as they fall. God, he’s so pathetic. He also feels like he needs to lie down, so he makes his way to the beach and spreads out like a starfish on the sand, staring at the inky black sky. Mr. Robot once said that death was like a black void of nothingness. Looking up at the sky, he can’t seem to mind. Elliot’s not so sure if it’s true. Even before the Mastermind’s insane death defying antics, he’s kissed death multiple times. For some reason, the world keeps spitting him back out, demanding that he stay alive. And maybe before it was for a purpose, but Elliot can’t find that purpose anymore. 

Perhaps Tyrell was a distraction from his directionlessness. Tyrell was somebody how occupied his everything: his thoughts, his dreams, his heart. Tyrell was the first person in a long time Elliot felt at home with. The way Tyrell made Elliot feel was rare. He only felt this way about Angela, but it was never as intense as this. Elliot found himself wanting to be around Tyrell constantly. The days they spent apart before Elliot's mission were far in between. At first Elliot tried to stay aloof, but he found that he wanted to spend less and less time alone and more time with Tyrell. He craved Tyrell's presence, his being, the comfort of looking up and seeing Tyrell across from him. He basked in the comfort of listening to Tyrell's softly accented voice, how stupidly easy it was for Tyrell to get him to laugh. The crinkle of Tyrell's eyes from laughing memorized from Elliot's countless hours of watching Tyrell instead of watching the movie Elliot insisted they watch. And his touch, the pleasant heat of Tyrell pressed against him on the couch to his hand massaging Elliot's scalp, the linking of their hands - something that had become so casual, so second nature for Elliot to reach out and feel Tyrell's hand in his. The press of skin on skin, the feeling of someone alive against himself. Tyrell reminded him that he was real. That he was here and capable of loving someone. That he wasn't a monster. 

He hears the waves crashing against the shore and they serve to calm him down, just for a little bit. He doesn’t know how long he lays there, motionless. Nobody bothers him though, the beach tranquil and alone at this time of night. It’s… nice.

Maybe that’s what Elliot should do, maybe he should go away for a while. Exist by himself somewhere with no people. It would be easy too, he has enough savings to just fuck off and be by himself (and Flipper, Flipper would always be in the equation). Maybe he’d live the rest of his life alone. Eventually Flipper would die and he would still be here until the loneliness truly took hold and he would end his life. Ever since Elliot learned what suicide was, he knew that he was going to die that way. And he knew deep down that nobody would mourn his death, he’d be one of those people that’d rot in their apartment for years before anyone found him.

He feels bone tired when he thinks to himself that he wants to go home. He wants to see his dog. She’s probably the only person he knows who doesn’t hate him. He doesn’t know what time it is but he doesn’t care. He just picks himself up and walks back to the subway station and takes the subway all the way home. There are no more tears to cry, there’s nothing left for him to cry about (it’s a lie, he’ll probably cry when he gets home, Flipper has proved to be a great tissue to rub his face against). 

He trudged up the steps to his apartment, and he must be exhausted because he finds Tyrell sitting at his apartment door, asleep. Elliot blinks a couple of times. Is his a hallucination? Why would Tyrell be here?

“Tyrell?” Elliot whispers. Tyrell startles awake and looks at Elliot. “What are you doing here?”

“I needed to see you.” Tyrell replies, sleep still in his voice. He watches Tyrell get up to his feet. This must be a hallucination because never in a million years would Tyrell be sleeping on the dirty floor in front of his apartment in a designer suit. Tyrell’s still wearing the suit he wore at the gala, his tie undone. “You weren’t answering my calls, my texts, I was worried.”

“I… um. I threw my phone away.” Elliot admits. He flushes, feeling suddenly very stupid. They stare at each other for a while, Elliot getting the feeling that both of them can’t believe the other is in front of them. He feels Tyrell drinking in the sight of Elliot. “Do… you want to come in?”

Tyrell nods and Elliot unlocks the door and walks in. Flipper’s little head perks up from his bed and she jumps down and runs to him, freaking the fuck out as she usually does. Elliot can’t help but huff out a little laugh and pick her up, showering her in kisses. He catches Tyrell looking at him fondly and suddenly feels all self conscious, putting the dog down. 

“Why did you want to see me?” Elliot asks. “I thought we were…" It's too painful to even say it. He has a lump in his throat. He tries to swallow it. He can't cry now. "...you know.”

Tyrell pulls out the thumbdrive. “You did this.” he states. “You found my son.”

The intensity of Tyrell’s stare is too much, he has to look away. “Yeah.”

“It was impossible. I searched everywhere. But you did it. You found him.” 

“I did.”

“How?”

Elliot shrugs, feeling very self-conscious. “I don’t know.”

“You do know. I know you know because you ignored me and everybody in your life for a fucking week.” Tyrell says, stepping closer to Elliot. “You lied to me. You made me worried out of my mind, had me jumping to conclusions because you did this. And I don’t understand. Why did you keep this from me? From Darlene?”

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up. It was dangerous. That’s all.” Elliot bites back. 

“But you never thought about me, how I would feel if you got hurt, if you disappeared for good one day?” Tyrell asks, he’s even closer to Elliot. He can feel the heat radiating off his skin. “We both know the Dark Army, even though disbanded, doesn’t like having their business snooped around in. And that’s what you did, you put your life in danger for something that you didn’t even know if it was going to work out.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Elliot replies. “All the more reason to keep it to myself, to not involve either of you.” 

“Then who was that man?” Tyrell asks. 

“A friend.”

“Then why the fuck was he involved if you claim you kept this a secret?” 

“Because he’s a mercenary, Tyrell.” Elliot replies, he can’t help rolling his eyes. Why the fuck was Tyrell so hung up on Leon? “Who is my friend. I asked him to help me out because I kept hitting roadblock after roadblock and I knew that he would have the tools to help me out. And he did. I wouldn’t have involved him if I didn’t need his help. Thanks to him, you know where your son is, so stop acting all weird about his presence.”

“How could I not?” Tyrell all but yells. “You’ve been ignoring me and suddenly I see this man in your apartment? A man who I had no idea existed, so of course I was suspicious! Of course I thought you were cheating! Why wouldn’t I think that?”

“Because I wouldn’t?” Elliot yells back. “Never in a million years would I cheat on you, and the fact that you think I would is frankly insulting! Why would I fuck up the only person who has actually shown interest in me? I’m not somebody people want to fuck Tyrell. At most I’m a pity fuck, so stop fucking freaking out about Leon!”

Tyrell stares at him, dumbfounded. “Is that what you truly think about yourself?” he asks. “That you’re unattractive?” 

Elliot flushes and steps back. He needs space. “We’re not talking about this.” Elliot says. “Fine, do you want to know how I found your son? Leon tracked down Whiterose’s last assistant. We flew to California where she lived and blackmailed her until she gave us the file we wanted. End of story.”

“Elliot, why do you do this?” Tyrell asks. “When the conversation is about you, you change it immediately. We never get to talk about you unless you’re controlling the information that comes out. So don’t act fucking surprised that I didn’t know you felt that about yourself because I didn’t. And I want to know you, Elliot. I want to know what you think because I love you. I want to know your motives behind the things you do because I care about you. Elliot, please stop running away from me. Please just tell me what the fuck is going on, tell me why you did this, why you did any of this–”

“It’s because I love you.” Elliot cuts Tyrell off. He can’t hear any more of what Tyrell is saying. He just can’t. “Everything that led us down this path to where we are now. Why I kept this a secret, why I was ignoring you, why I gave you the drive without word – I did it because I love you Tyrell. I love you so much that sometimes I can’t function because of it. It fucking consumes me how much I love you. It feels dangerous how much I love you. But one thing I know that you don’t need me in your life. I would just bring destruction and chaos. I’m the reason why everything in your life fell apart: why Joanna is dead, why you lost your son. And I know that I can’t be a part of your life with your son because I’m volatile. I’m a fucking hazard. I’m a liability. Every day I wake up and I wonder if today is the day that I finally go insane. You don’t want a life with me, Tyrell. I’m not good. Please... just go to Denmark and find your son. Please just forget about me. Find someone who’s worth it.” Elliot doesn’t realize he’s crying until he stops talking. Fuck. He is just so fucking tired. He feels this exhaustion deep down in his bones. The exhaustion of misery, that’s what it is. 

Tyrell doesn’t respond, he just stares at Elliot. Elliot turns away and walks to his sofa. He needs to fucking sit down and be alone. “Tyrell, go home. It’s late.” Elliot whispers, wrapping his arms around himself. Flipper can sense something is wrong, she starts whining and pawing at his feet. He needs to stop. He needs to hold himself together until Tyrell leaves. He doesn’t want Tyrell’s pity.

He feels the other side of the sofa being occupied by Tyrell. He’s about to protest but then Tyrell says into the darkness, “But, what do you want?” 

Elliot stays silent.

“I want a life with you, Elliot. I want to be in your life, even the ugly and disturbing parts. I want to be with you during your lows and your highs. I want all of that because I love you. I love you because you are one of the best things in my life. You are so selfless and so good. Sometimes I wonder why you’re even with me. I’m an awful person: objectively awful. I’m selfish, angry, arrogant, ruthless, and plenty more. But you stayed anyway. You managed to love all of that. You bring out the good in me, Elliot.” He feels Tyrell’s hand on his knee, his thumb gently caressing the bony part. “But, Elliot, I will leave. I will leave if you don’t want me. But I’m sure as hell not going to leave because you don’t think you’re worthy. Because Elliot, you are more than worthy. You’re perfect for me. But what do you want? Do you want to be with me?”

Elliot’s exhales, not realizing how long he had been holding his breath. He’s so tired, he doesn’t trust himself to talk. So all he does is nod and lean against Tyrell’s chest. “I do.” Is all Elliot manages to say. He feels Tyrell’s arms wrap around him, pulling him close. Elliot finally relaxes – a week of tension slowly melting away. 

“Thank God.” Tyrell exhales. “I was going to be destroyed if you said no.” That earns a small laugh out of Elliot. He feels Tyrell’s hands cup his jaw, tilting his face up so they’re face to face. Tyrell’s lips press against his and Elliot sighs into it. Warm spreads in Elliot's belly. 

He feels loved. So loved.

“I’m tired.” Elliot murmurs. “Stay with me? I don’t want to sleep alone.”

“Of course, käraste.” Tyrell replies. 

So both men strip down to their underwear and crawl into bed, skin touching skin. The feel of two hearts beating in sync. 

“I love you.” Elliot whispers against Tyrell’s skin. 

Elliot’s already asleep when Tyrell says it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end my dudes! Thanks for reading. I think next chapter is going to be straight up PORN. Like I want there to be a thing before I set another thing and the set up for the next big thing I want is like super small so I think I will write straight up porn next and then in one bit have them set up the next plot point but like after they fuck a bunch. Kudos and comments are appreciated! I never got feedback on the smut so like I'm assuming you guys didn't hate it, but I would love feedback. Tell me how it was please before i torture you all with a smut chapter. Okay thanks! See you next chapter!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elliot and Tyrell make love and Tyrell asks an important question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! So before you read this, I want to warn you, I WROTE PORN. I don't think it's any good but it kind of turned me on while I was writing it so I hope it kind of turns you on too. If you don't like porn, literally just skip to the end because Tyrell asks Elliot something important and it moves the plot forward. But if you really don't want to chance it I will give a summary of what Tyrell asks in the end note. But anyway, please enjoy.
> 
> May 20th, 2020 - edited and added flavor text, yadda yadda yadda

Elliot doesn’t know what time it is when he feels Tyrell’s lips gently kissing his shoulder. His hard cock is pressed against Elliot’s ass and Elliot instinctively presses against it. His hand reaches for Tyrell’s head, running his fingers through the Swede’s hair.

“Mm, what time is it?” Elliot asks, basking in the feeling of Tyrell’s hands running up and down his chest. 

“Around 12.” Tyrell murmurs, his hands snaking his way down to Elliot’s briefs. His fingers wrap around Elliot’s cock and he gasps.

“Oh shit, Flipper–”

“I took her on a walk this morning.” Tyrell easily replies, slowly stroking the member to fullness. 

“You should have woke me up.” Elliot groans, leaning his head back against Tyrell’s shoulder. 

“You looked so peaceful sleeping.” Tyrell says. “I didn’t want to wake you.” Tyrell leans closer, pressing against Elliot even more. “I’ve missed you. I missed touching you. I missed being in you. I missed making you see stars.” 

Elliot moans, saying nothing, knowing Tyrell will go on. Tyrell liked talking in general. That’s what made their relationship work: Tyrell would talk and Elliot would just sit there and listen. Tyrell liked talking, Elliot didn’t. They were a perfect combination. Elliot grins to himself at that thought. God, they were perfect for each other. Elliot had someone who was perfect for him. 

“When I saw you with that man I kept thinking about you and him together. It infuriated me. But I know now. I know you were so good. So good for me. Anytime I see anyone look at you I get wildly jealous. It’s even more infuriating that you don’t even know they’re looking at you. That they want to fuck you. You just don't get how alluring you are, how magnetic, how _hot_ you are.” Tyrell’s pumps get faster with each sentence. Elliot can tell that Tyrell is really worked up, feeling Tyrell grind against him at the same time. “Like at the gala. I tried so hard to ignore you. I was so fucking mad. But I kept noticing people notice you. Glances towards you in the corner. Glances toward the balcony, some rich asshole I’d know you hate trying to garner up the courage to walk onto that balcony to you. To try to take you home and _fuck_ you. Eventually some asshole tried, but I stopped him. I grabbed him and told him to fuck off, because you’re fucking mine–”

“Tyrell.” Elliot gasps, grabbing Tyrell’s hand wrapped around his cock. “Stop, I don’t wanna come yet.” Elliot feels like his entire body is on a high wire. He and Tyrell hadn’t been together in two weeks. And in those two weeks, Elliot ignored every single urge he had. Elliot knew this was going to end fast. “I wanna come on your cock.”

That earns a groan from Tyrell, who orders Elliot to flip onto his back and to take off his underwear while reaching over to the bedside table and pulling out a bottle of lube. Tyrell sees that the amount in the bottle hasn’t changed and he sends a heated look towards Elliot. “You haven’t?” He asks.

“Not for two weeks.” Elliot admits, spreading his legs open to give Tyrell better access. Tyrell affectionately called Elliiot his “pillow princess” which annoyed Elliot with how true it was. Even when he topped, he usually liked watching Tyrell ride him instead of thrusting himself. “Had other things to pay attention to.”

“Well, not me.” Tyrell laughs, slicking his fingers with lube, warming them up. “I only ever think about you.” 

“All the time?” Elliot teasingly asks.

Tyrell lifts one of Elliot’s legs over his shoulder to get better leverage. Elliot feels Tyrell’s fingers gently rubbing circles against his hole. Elliot sighs when he feels the first finger breach. “Absolutely.” Tyrell replies. “Two weeks was too long. Imagination can only do so much. I need the real thing, älskling.” 

“I’m flattered that you think about me.” Elliot replies, allowing himself to get used to the stretch of Tyrell’s added fingers scissoring him apart. He feels his cheeks burn at the thought of Tyrell getting off from the idea of him. 

“I think about you doing a lot of stuff. I think about you typing away on the computer. I think about you holding my hand as we walk Flipper. I think about you shaking with laughter because you’re even kind of quiet when you laugh. I think about the look you get when you're lost in your own thoughts. How you look when watching a movie you really love, the beautiful angles and lines of your face. But I mostly think about you naked. I love looking at you naked. You're just built so beautifully. The minute you let me take pictures of you naked I will jump onto that. I can’t get enough of your body.” Tyrell pushes in a third finger with a cheeky smile. “I think about you split open on my cock, begging me to go faster, rougher, to hit your prostate just right. I think about how prettily you moan. It’s like music.” Tyrell’s clean hand comes to cup Elliot’s cheek. “How beautiful you look like when you blush.” He leans over to kiss both of Elliot’s cheekbones, eventually landing on his lips.

“I’m ready.” Elliot murmurs against Tyrell’s lips. 

“Impatient.” Tyrell laughs, but Elliot feels his three fingers leave, leaving Elliot feeling open and empty. He watches with hooded eyes as Tyrell slips off his briefs, throw them over his shoulder carelessly. The amount of restraint that man has astounds him, especially since he knows that Tyrell doesn’t show much restraint in his daily life. Elliot watches as Tyrell wraps his slick fingers around his own cock, uncapping the bottle and drizzling more on to ensure an easier passage.

“How do you want me?” Elliot asks, beginning to flip onto all fours. He feels Tyrell’s clean hand on his calf. 

“No. I want to see your face.” he replies, lifting both of Elliot’s legs over his shoulders. Elliot feels the blunt head of Tyrell’s cock against his hole, applying gentle pressure. “I want to make love to you.” 

Elliot gasps as Tyrell slowly guides himself in. It isn’t brutal like how they usually fuck. Tyrell stops halfway through, watching Elliot’s face, waiting for him to get used to the intrusion. “Fuck, you’re tight.” Tyrell grits out.

“Well, it’s been a while.” Elliot replies, gently running his hand up and down Tyrell’s arm to distract himself. “You can keep going.”

Tyrell pushes all the way in and Elliot feels the air being knocked out of his lungs. He feels so full, almost too full. But it feels good, knowing that he and Tyrell are together like this. “I missed you so much.” Tyrell confesses, his blue eyes wide. “It scares me that I could have lost you. That I’d never see this again. That I’d never see you again.” 

“Tyrell…” Elliot murmurs, not knowing what to say. He’s distracted by the gentle rocking of Tyrell’s hips, how even when they’re gentle they continue to hit his prostate dead on. Tyrell knows his body so well. He knows how to make it sing. His toes are curling in the air. It feels good, even if he isn’t fully erect yet. Tyrell’s slick hand wraps around his cock and he begins to stroke in time with his thrusts. 

Elliot doesn’t know what influences this, but he reaches over and cups Tyrell’s cheek, forcing the other man to look at him. It goes against every instinct he has, but he wants to see Tyrell look at him. He wants to stare back and see the man he loves fall apart on top of him. His thumb traces Tyrell’s lips and he whimpers when Tyrell’s tongue laves against it, eventually taking it into his mouth and sucking. 

Elliot doesn’t know how long it’s been, all he knows his that arousal has gotten him wound up like a bow string. After two weeks of nothing, Elliot knows he’s not going to last very long. He thrusts up his own hips to meet Tyrell’s, which earns a groan from the taller man. “I think I’m gonna come soon.” Elliot grits out. “But you can keep going if I do.” Elliot’s hips meet Tyrell’s in a particularly hard thrust. “Use me. I want you to come in me.” 

“Fuck.” Tyrell whines, leaning into Elliot so they’re chest to chest, which lifts Elliot’s hips higher, changing the angle to go deeper. Each thrust punches out a moan from Elliot. It’s too much. He knows he’s going to come any second. His arms wrap around Tyrell’s shoulder and he closes his eyes, letting the pleasure fully enwrap him. He feels Tyrell’s hot breath against the crook of his neck, Tyrell spouting Swedish nonsense into his throat. Elliot doesn’t understand any of it, but it turns him on to hear Tyrell lose himself.

His balls draw up and before he knows it, he’s coming. Elliot moans in Tyrell’s ear and he listens to Tyrell babble, “Varsågod. Du är så vacker, älskling. Du är så perfekt. Jag älskar dig.” 

Elliot feels so strung out, but he unhooks his legs from Tyrell’s shoulders and wrap them around Tyrell’s middle, his feet pressing against Tyrell’s ass. “Come for me, Tyrell.” he whispers, trying to spur him on. “Please. I love you. Come for me. Come in me.” 

Tyrell’s grip on his hips tighten, and he slams all the way in, groaning as he comes. Elliot feels the heat of Tyrell’s come filling him up and he sighs against Tyrell’s ear. They hold each other like this for a while, both of them very aware of the come trickling out of Elliot’s hole. The two men eventually look at each other, taking each other in before both leaning in and kissing, their tongues brushing against each other. Eventually, Tyrell slips out of him, but instead of laying down next to Elliot, he lifts Elliot’s legs up and thumbs at his used hole, pushing his own come back into Elliot.

Elliot watches Tyrell’s face, enraptured by the sight. Elliot starts to feel self conscious and begins to close his legs, but Tyrell keeps them open. “It’s a beautiful sight.” Tyrell dreamily replies. “It looks too good not to taste.” Tyrell then leans down and starts eating Elliot out.

“Fuck!” Elliot groans, slapping his fist against the mattress, which earns a little yip from Flipper before she decides to go back to sleep on her dog bed. “That was the worst thing you could have ever said.”

“And yet, here we are.” Tyrell replies cheekily, before diving back in. Elliot’s still so loose from Tyrell, so Tyrell’s tongue slips in without any resistance. Rimming was secretly Elliot’s favorite part about sex. It was dirty and obscene but it felt so good. And the fact that Tyrell was eating his own come did something to Elliot that he would never admit. Tyrell rimmed Elliot whenever he could, it was almost ridiculous how much Tyrell seemed to enjoy it. Not that Elliot was complaining. It definitely saved a trip to the bathroom to retrieve a wet hand towel. Elliot doesn’t think he can come again, but he basks in the enjoyment of it until Tyrell deems Elliot clean and releases Elliot’s hole with a smack. 

“I think I can’t get up.” Elliot declares. “You’ve fucked me boneless.” Elliot’s stomach flutters seeing Tyrell grin.

“Then we’ll just lay here for a while.” Tyrell says, leaning over and kissing Elliot on the mouth. Elliot pretends to be disgusted but honestly not much can disgust him. He’s done a lot of gross things, kissing his boyfriend’s mouth after he rimmed him isn’t high on that list. Tyrell lays down next to Elliot and wraps his arms around him, kissing Elliot’s shoulder, face, neck, eventually just nuzzling against Elliot. Tyrell was always like this after they had sex. Elliot leans into Tyrell and savors his touch. They haven’t touched like this in so long. 

“I want you to come to Europe with me.” Tyrell murmurs against his skin. “I want you to help me find my son.”

That brings Elliot out of the fog of post-coital bliss. “What?”

“I have plans of finding Erik. I want you to come with me. I plan to live in Sweden for a couple of months so he can get used to me before I take him back to America. I want you to come with me.” Tyrell states again. 

“Why would you want that?” Elliot asks incredulously. 

It’s Tyrell’s turn to act confused. “Because you’re my boyfriend? And I want him to know who you are?” Tyrell slowly says, like it’s the clearest thing.

“You don’t want me around your kid.” Elliot says, sitting up to create a distance between them. 

“Why not?” Tyrell asks, clearly getting annoyed. 

“Because I don’t think I’m suitable to be around kids.” Elliot replies. “I’m fucking insane, Tyrell. I don’t want your kid to be around somebody who might have a mental break at any minute.”

“Oh, so you’re back on this bullshit.” Tyrell snaps.

“Oh, so it’s bullshit to have valid concerns about being around your kid?” Elliot snaps back. “I’m a liability. I don’t need you worrying about me when you have to think about your son.”

“I’m not asking you to raise the kid!” Tyrell yells. “I’m asking you to be there with me during this time. Because you’re my boyfriend and god forbid I want your support during this time.” 

“I found the kid.” Elliot replies. “Pretty good support, I would say.” 

“And I thank you for that, but I don’t understand why you’re so resistant to this. You’ve been good mentally for as long as our relationship has been. You see a therapist regularly and I know that in Sweden we can find you a therapist to help you there. I don’t see why this is a problem! I want you to be there because I love you, is that such a crime?” Tyrell stops talking and Elliot doesn’t know how to respond. He feels himself closing in on himself and he senses that Tyrell can sense it too. He feels Tyrell’s hand gently caress his bare back. “But… If it would be too much for you, then okay. I understand. I don’t want to push you too much out of your comfort zone…” He feels Tyrell rest his chin against his shoulder, his arms wrapping around his middle, skin against skin. “But I would love it if you came with me. I want you by my side. Always.”

In the corner of his eye he sees Mr. Robot sitting at the chair at his desk. “You did say you wanted to leave New York.” Mr. Robot says, lighting a cigarette. 

“Do you think it’s the right move?” Elliot asks.

Mr. Robot shrugs. “I don’t know kiddo. It’s all up to you.”

“Will you guys follow me there?”

Mr. Robot smiles, exhaling smoke. “We’ll always be with you Elliot, even if you move fucking continents.”

“And will you guys make sure I don’t fuck up this kid?” 

“We’re all in this together, kiddo.” Mr. Robot replies. “If that’s what you want, then yes. We will all work together to make sure this kid is alright.” Mr. Robot looks at Tyrell. “Now I think you should reply, you’ve been silent this whole conversation.”

Elliot turns around and cups Tyrell’s face, leaning in and kissing him, hoping that will be enough of an answer. “Can I bring Flipper?” 

Tyrell laughs against his lips. “Of course, älskling.” he says. “Anything you want.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay summary of events:
> 
> Tyrell and Elliot: Let's fuck  
> *They fuck*  
> Tyrell: Please come to Sweden with me.  
> Elliot: No.  
> Mr. Robot: How about yes?  
> Elliot: *narrows eyes at Mr. Robot* bitch are you sure  
> Mr. Robot: Yeah, you'll be fine kiddo. I wanna go on a Nordic adventure. Say yes.  
> Elliot: Okay, fine, we're going to Europe. And Flipper is coming.  
> Tyrell: I will literally do anything for you Elliot because I love you.
> 
> Anyway, that's what you missed if you didn't read this smutty chapter. I hope you enjoyed. Next chapter will be Elliot and Tyrell and ERIK (THE BABY) in Sweden. It'll be great. Trust me. I don't know when I'll update as college keeps me busy. But I hope you enjoyed. As always, comments (especially comments) and kudos are appreciated but not necessary! See you in the next chapter.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyrell and Elliot in Sweden and the highs and lows that follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends. So as you have noticed, I have not updated in about a month. So very sorry but I am in college. I am so fucking busy it's not funny. I have stress acne from how stressed I am. I wanted to post this earlier, but writing takes a long time guys. If you follow me on Twitter (@kati_why) you would know how long I've been writing this beast of a chapter. I do a lot of writing tweets there so if you want to keep updated on my process follow me there. And also, this is a big fucking chapter. 14k words babey! So I really hope you enjoy it. I also hope that there are people who are still reading this, but anywho, enjoy!
> 
> 7-29-20 Edit: Hi. So as you maybe noticed it was a long bit since I last updated. And yeah, it has. I have been sitting on this chapter like a hen on an egg. I've been working on this monster for two months. This is the most time I've spent on one chapter. This 14k word chapter has now become a 23k word chapter. It's everything I ever wanted to put on this chapter. I remember writing this chapter the first time and there was so many things I wanted to say and add but I felt this overwhelming pressure to complete this chapter and I was just getting really fatigued with writing the chapter that I kind of rushed through it to just get to the end. The new stuff that I put in are things I always wanted to put in. The plot it no different really, but it just delves more into their time in Sweden, so enjoy.

It was hot for mid-September, Elliot thought as he played with Erik’s feet as the baby lay on the grass. It was a Saturday morning and he and Tyrell were spending it in a local park. Tyrell was sitting next to them, cradling Flipper in one arm and the other arm occupied with checking his phone. Tyrell looked relaxed, wearing a loose patterned dress shirt and shorts. Sunglasses pushed his blonde hair out of his face. Before they came to Europe, Elliot doesn't think he's seen Tyrell look this casual. 

“When is their flight getting in?” Elliot asked, making faces at Erik, delighting in the baby’s laugh. 

“Around 4.” Tyrell replied. “How are you feeling?” 

Elliot watched as commuters sped by on their bikes and people milled around the park and along the side of the canals. Before moving to Gothenburg, Elliot didn’t know cities could be this peaceful. Living in New York, he was used to the city having this constant thrum of energy in its undertones. Cliches are cliches for a reason. New York City truly never slept. But in Gothenburg, it was different. It still had the humdrum of a city, but it had a different energy and in the few months he had been living here, he couldn’t quite place what that energy would be called. 

“Nervous.” Elliot admitted. “I don’t know how this week is going to be at all. I really hope there’s no tension.” 

Darlene and Dom were flying in today. It had been three months since he last saw her. And their conversations on the phone and through text were still in a fragile state. He almost couldn’t believe Darlene wanted to visit for his birthday. Just knowing they were on a plane and were going to be face to face in a couple of hours freaked him out.

Tyrell looked over to his boyfriend and leaned over and kissed Elliot’s temple. “Well, I can’t guarantee that it won’t be awkward. But I’m in your corner.” Tyrell murmured against his skin. “It’ll be okay.”

* * *

Elliot’s never been out of the country before. Growing up, he knew that his family didn’t have a lot of money. Family vacation was taking a train to Coney Island. Not that he’d want to go anywhere farther than that with his family. He’s pretty sure it would be a nightmare. Growing up, his mother would wistfully dream about going back to Egypt. When she decided to be agreeable, she would insist that one day she would take Elliot and Darlene back to see where she came from. But then his dad lost his job and eventually died, leaving the family barely afloat financially. That seemed to crush his mother's dreams of returning to Egypt, and over all crush whatever agreeableness she had, leaving her bitter and cold.

But here he was, sitting in the passenger’s side of a car. In Denmark. He had no idea where though. He just knew where they were going. The sun was slowly setting as Elliot watched tall sweeping coniferous trees speed past. Flipper was sitting on his lap, restlessly wriggling around. The time difference definitely messed her up and Elliot stroked her back in sympathy. He glanced over to Tyrell, who was silent and staring ahead. Elliot wanted to ask him what he was thinking but Tyrell seemed to be in one of his broody moods. Tyrell insisted he had a plan when they confronted Sigfred and Nora Olafson (“Me.” Tyrell clarified. “I’ll do all the work. You just stay in the car.”). He watched dubiously when they stopped by a convenience store and Tyrell plucked a box of latex gloves off the shelf. 

When they landed in Copenhagen, they stopped at a department store and bought a car seat for the baby. Elliot kind of just stood by and watched Tyrell do everything, talking in rapid Swedish with the salesclerk. They also flat out bought a car, which still astounded Elliot that Tyrell just had money lying around to just buy a car. 

Before they left for Europe, Elliot watched Tyrell pull everything together. He smoothly told his assistant Elizabeth over the phone that he would be taking a leave of absence from E-Corp, not offering Elizabeth the reason why, which probably annoyed the assistant but she agreed to pass the message on with Tyrell assuring her he was going to type out a long, detailed email about what the company should do during his leave of absence. He also closed a rental deal with a realtor in Gothenburg for a house in less than fifteen minutes. Watching Tyrell do all of this made it salient that Elliot was going to just up and leave New York without telling anybody. 

Since Elliot did freelance work, Elliot could basically live anywhere he wanted in the world. He had to call Krista and tell her he was going to be in Sweden for a bit, but assured her that he was going to find a therapist in Sweden and eventually come back. Once he got a new phone, he called Darlene, who didn’t pick up. He tried calling several more times. He wondered if she wasn’t picking up because it was a random number or somehow she knew it was him and was still angry at him. But other than Darlene, there was really nobody else who would care where he went. Elliot would find it super depressing if he wasn’t traveling with Tyrell. It excited him a bit, actually: going somewhere where nobody really knew him or Tyrell. A fresh new start.

And he wasn’t completely alone even if he traveled by himself. Mr. Robot and the others were always in the back of his head during this whole trip gently encouraging him to keep going (okay, more like just Mr. Robot. The Mastermind hasn’t appeared or said anything since that train ride to Coney).

“Tyrell.” Elliot whispered, bringing Tyrell out of his revarly. “How long until we’re there?” 

“An hour or so.” Tyrell replied. He spared a glance towards Elliot. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” Elliot replied. “How about you?”

“Nervous.” Tyrell admitted. “And I feel kind of stupid, being nervous.”

“You shouldn’t feel stupid.” Elliot says. “I mean, this is kind of a big deal. It’s not every day you go out to find your son.”

“Yeah, but I feel like I shouldn’t be nervous.” Tyrell sighs. “It’s my son. It’s my right to have custody of him.” Elliot watches at Tyrell’s knuckles turn white against the steering wheel. “But I haven’t seen him since he was born. He doesn’t know me at all. I never got to hold him except for that one time: the day of his birth. He doesn’t know me. I’m virtually a stranger to him. I’m scared that he won’t like me at all and that connecting with him will be challenging. And I hate that I don’t know anything about him. I don’t know his favorite color or what foods he likes. I don’t know if he’s even potty trained. And it just feels weird because Joanna and I had been prepping for so long for a baby. We were ready. We took all the prenatal classes. We read all the books. I was so ready to be a father. But then the world turned upside down and I lost everything. I lost my son. I lost so much of his life because I fucked it up. I was weak.”

Elliot doesn’t say anything, but he feels a sting in his heart. All of this happened because Tyrell wanted in on his crazy scheme to save the world. It was his fault that almost everybody he interacted with he either ruined their lives or killed them. But now was no time for self-loathing. This was about Tyrell. 

“But you’re here now.” Elliot responds after a while. “You put your life on hold. You flew across the ocean to a place you haven’t been in years. You rented a goddamn house and bought a car. That’s commitment. You did that. You’re ready to step up and be a father. You’re doing things so many other fathers out there would never do for their kids.” Elliot places a hand onto Tyrell’s knee. He doesn’t even clock that he’s doing it. Touching Tyrell was as natural as breathing now. “You’re not weak. Weak men don’t do what you’re doing. You’ve stumbled, sure. But you got back up and you kept going. And that’s what matters. You’re showing up for him. You’re going to be there.”

Elliot feels self conscious all of the sudden and looks out the window, away from Tyrell, removing his hand. He stares at the pine trees on the side of the road, lush and green in the July heat. Elliot doesn’t think he’s ever been somewhere this green (well, maybe the woods where he let Tyrell die in. But the trees were barren and grey). 

“I love you.” Tyrell says. He can feel Tyrell’s eyes on him.

Elliot glanced over and gave a small smile. “You can’t just stare at me. Keep your eyes on the road. I don’t want to crash.”

Tyrell laughs and settles his right hand on Elliot’s thigh. With his free hand, Elliot takes it and intertwines their fingers. The rest of the car ride is left in comfortable silence. 

The sun had set by the time the car stops in front of a little house in the middle of nowhere. They had to drive down a dirt road into the woods. 

“Remote.” Elliot remarked, getting out from the car and placing Flipper on the ground. 

“What are you doing?” Tyrell asks, opening the trunk and taking out a grocery bag of God knows what. 

“Stretching my legs?” Elliot asks. “Flipper also needs to pee.”

“You’re not going in with me.” Tyrell deadpans. “I don’t want you involved. Things might get messy.”

“Which is more reason why I should be there.” Elliot argues. “You shouldn’t do this alone.”

“These people are terrible pieces of shit, objectively. There’s a reason why the Dark Army gave Erik to them.” Tyrell argues back. “They’re criminals.”

“We are too.” Elliot says. “I’ve literally been to jail. You were the most wanted man in America. We’ve both done some pretty illegal shit.”

“So you’re saying that I should leave Erik with these strangers? Because somehow they’re more fit to parent him?” Tyrell asks incredulously. 

Elliot huffs. Fuck. He hates talking to people, even when he deeply loves the person he’s talking to. It’s always been that way, with Darlene and Angela. “No, what I’m saying is that I should be there with you when you get Erik. You said you want me to be here with you. And I said yes because I want that too. I want to have your back. I don’t care if it’s dangerous or whatever. We’ve both been through much worse than two idiots who live in the forest. Just let me have your back, okay?”

He watches Tyrell’s lips purse and he has to resist rolling his eyes. Tyrell always pouted when he was upset or didn’t get his way. When Elliot wasn’t mad or annoyed at him, he thought it was cute. “You’ve already done so much…” Tyrell trails off.

“We’re in this together, Tyrell.” Elliot responds, reaching over and placing a stable hand on Tyrell’s arm. “Now we should stop arguing and actually go in.” 

“I don’t know how you’ll be of much help.” Tyell grumbles, walking towards the front door of the cottage. “You don’t speak Swedish or Danish.”

“I’ll just stand there and look intimidating.” Elliot jokes. That earns an involuntary choked laugh from Tyrell, who tries to school himself before Elliot notices. Elliot opens the car door and puts Flipper onto the passenger’s side. He closes the car door and follows Tyrell, trailing behind him. 

Tyrell knocks on the front door and leans against the frame. Elliot looks at Tyrell and is shocked to see his whole demeanor change. It reminds Elliot of how Tyrell looked when he offered a position at E-Corp to the Mastermind. He can feel the discomfort and deja vu the Mastermind is feeling. It’s the first time since the beach that the Mastermind let Elliot know how he felt. Tyrell’s eyes are cold and sharp. He has a canned smile set on his lips. Elliot hasn’t seen Tyrell like this in a long time.

 _“He looked at me like he wanted to eat me alive.”_ Elliot hears the Mastermind murmur. It’s so quiet that Elliot almost missed it. 

The door swings open and a heavy set bearded man. He’s around the same height as Elliot, which surprises him because he had this idea that all of the people in Joanna’s family would somehow all be tall Nordic model people like she was. The man starts to say something as he opens the door but stops mid-sentence. 

Tyrell says something in Swedish which Elliot doesn’t understand. All Elliot understands is “Sigfred”. Sigfred stares Tyrell down, not moving. Elliot peers behind Sigfred and sees a woman and several children peer over to the front door from the living room. There are about eight children he can see. The house doesn’t look nearly big enough for all of them. He makes eye contact with some of the kids, but instead of flinching away, they stare back at Elliot. 

“These kids are straight out of the Shining.” Mr. Robot scoffs next to Elliot. “Hopefully Tyrell’s kid isn’t weird like these ones.”

Elliot glances at Mr. Robot but says nothing. Tyrell rolls his eyes and says something to Sigfred and the Danish man begrudgingly stands aside and Tyrell brushes past him. Elliot starts to follow but the man stands in front of the doorway again, blocking him.

“Hey fish fucker.” Mr. Robot growls. Elliot glares at Mr. Robot, realizing that Mr. Robot said that through him. “Let us through.” 

Elliot doesn’t think Sigfred knows English but he definitely got drift of Mr. Robot’s tone, his face turned into a scowl. 

Tyrell barks something behind the man and Sigfred sighs and steps aside. Elliot steps in and is met by several little eyes. “Yikes. They’re creepier up close.” Mr. Robot laughs. Elliot looks around and tries to spot Erik. The only problem is that he has no idea what Erik looks like, but he figures the kid would look like a mix between Tyrell and Joanna. That’s how kids worked, right? He spots a young teenage girl carrying a baby, her mouth clamped over its mouth in an attempt to keep it quiet but the baby keeps wriggling around and making noises of distress. The baby looks to be the youngest child out of the pack. Maybe that’s Erik.

An older woman he assumes is Nora steps forward and barks something at Danish at Tyrell. She is as tall as her husband, rakish in stature. Her dark brown hair is streaked with grey. Tyrell doesn’t respond to her as he calmly places the grocery bag onto the kitchen table. He reaches in and tears open the box of blue sterile gloves. Elliot’s eyes widened. Shit.

“You’re gonna fuck them up in front of the kids?” Elliot asks.

“Only if they misbehave.” Tyrell replies back cooly in English. 

“Well, if you haven’t noticed, there’s like ten of them compared to the two of us.” Elliot argued. “Did you really think this through?” 

Tyrell shoots Elliot a look. “Of course I did.” he says. “If they do what I want then their kids don’t have to see what I’m willing to do to their parents.”

Nora turns her glare to Elliot and says something to him in Danish. Elliot doesn’t know what she’s saying but he can tell she’s pissed off.

Tyrell says something to her and she freezes in her place. He slowly puts on the gloves while he continues to talk. Elliot has no idea what he’s saying but the children look scared. It makes Elliot feel uneasy. 

Sigfred says something and Tyrell raises an eyebrow. He reaches into the grocery bag and pulls out a file and flips through it, reading from the pages. The only thing Elliot can understand is “Dark Army”. Ah, so he’s blackmailing them. Tyrell glances up at the heavy set man and smiles a tight smile, shutting the file. Sigfred scoffs and says something and Elliot watches as Tyrell sighs, pulls out a hammer, and swings, hitting Sigfred square in the head, knocking the man to the floor, unconscious. Nora and the children scream and Elliot feels his heartbeat quicken. The baby Elliot thinks is Erik starts to wail at all the commotion going on. 

Nora screams at Tyrell, something that sounds like a threat. Tyrell laughs and replies, his voice dark. He steps closer to Nora and grabs her by the jaw, forcing her to look at him. It sends chills down Elliot’s spine. Had Tyrell wanted to kill the Mastermind? The Mastermind stays resoundingly silent. But he can tell he's watching. Tyrell whispers something to her and she trembles. Elliot can barely concentrate with all the commotion that’s going on. The children continue to cry, but none move. He wonders bleakly if Sigfred is a good father. If the Dark Army gave Erik to these people, he would assume not. 

Nora says something to the eldest girl who’s holding the baby and the girl looks at her mother, frightened. She whispers something back and Nora pleads with her. The girl walks up to Elliot and shoves the baby forward into his arms. Ah, so he was right. This is Erik. The baby wriggles in Elliot’s arms and continues to wail. “What do I do?” Elliot asks Mr. Robot, who unhelpfully shrugs his shoulders. He looks as razzled as Elliot feels. 

“Take Erik outside.” Tyrell says, still not taking his eyes off Nora. “I have more business with Mrs. Olafson here.” Tyrell says something in Swedish and the girl runs off to another room and has a baby bag, presumably full of baby supplies. She thrusts the bag to Elliot, her face downward, refusing to look at Elliot. He awkwardly tries to shift Erik into one arm, but the kid keeps squirming. He eventually gets the loop around his arm.

“Tyrell–”

“Elliot, please.” Tyrell says. “Take him outside.”

Elliot glances down at Sigfred’s unconscious body and the uneasy feeling comes back.

“Come on kiddo.” Mr. Robot says, putting his hand on Elliot’s back, leading him out of the house. Elliot keeps walking, not looking back at the house. Elliot feels high strung and stressed. He’s worried out of his mind and the kid in his arms won’t stop fucking crying. His wails pierce Elliot's ears. Elliot finally gets to the car and places the bag down on the ground, finally pulling his full attention to the baby.

“Hey, hey.” Elliot murmurs, bouncing the kid up and down. “Shh. Shh. It’s okay.” Erik’s cries get louder and Elliot looks helplessly at Mr. Robot. “What the fuck do I do?”

“I don’t know!” Mr. Robot cries. “We’ve never taken care of a baby!”

“You took care of me when I was a kid!” Elliot argues. 

“I am you dumbass!” Mr. Robot snaps back. “Also, my purpose is to keep you from harm, I only know how to take care of you, Elliot. Not some random baby.” 

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” Elliot chants, looking around frantically. He’s afraid, even though he’s in the middle of nowhere, that somebody will find him with this crying baby and he won’t be able to explain at all what the hell is happening. 

Flipper notices Elliot is back and he hears the scraping of her claws against the car window. ‘Maybe Erik would like the dog?’ Elliot thinks, shifting the crying baby to one arm and unlocking and opening the car door. He knows that in her past life, Flipper lived with a baby, so she must be used to babies. Flipper jumps out from the door and Elliot crouches down to the ground so Erik and Flipper are face to face.

“Hey, hey, look.” Elliot says, trying to get Erik’s attention. “Look. Doggie, look.” Flipper bounces excitedly, realizing that Elliot’s carrying a little human. Erik turns his little head towards Flipper and his cries become less. He reaches out with his little hands and pats at Flipper. Flipper yips happily and licks the baby’s face, causing the baby to laugh in the middle of his sobs. 

Elliot watches carefully as Erik’s cries diminish. The baby is left sniffling as he and Flipper become more acquainted. Tired of squatting, Elliot eventually sits on the ground and places Erik on his lap, which Flipper climbs onto as well. The kid looks like a perfect mixture of Tyrell and Joanna. He has soft, downy blonde hair, blue eyes, and full lips like Joanna. Elliot can’t help but run his index finger against the baby’s cheek. It’s so soft. He’s a cute baby but Elliot wouldn’t expect less from who his parents are. 

“Are you feeling better now?” Elliot asks. Erik looks at him and Elliot remembers that the kid probably doesn’t know English. But then again, he’s a baby and babies don’t understand much anyway. The baby cracks a gummy smile, and gurgles something that sounds vaguely like Danish. Erik immediately turns his attention back to Flipper and continues to pat her. “Did you miss babies, Flip?” Elliot asks. Elliot noticed that Flipper had a penchant for little kids. Whenever he’d take her out on a walk or just be out and about with her, the minute she saw a kid, she got all excited and ran up to the kid. He had to explain/apologize several times to scared little kids and their surprised parents. But Flipper was a little ham and eventually the kids warmed up to her and Elliot would have to awkwardly stand there while Flipper basked in the pats of little hands. If Elliot couldn’t live without Flipper, he’d be more annoyed when that happened. 

“I think you might have to change his diaper.” Mr. Robot says from beside him.

Elliot glances up and blinks. “What?”

“I don’t think he’s potty trained yet. The kid kind of stinks.” Mr. Robot replies, opening the baby bag and rifling through it. He pulls out a diaper and waves it in the air. “You gotta change him.”

“I don’t know how to do that.” Elliot argues. 

“It’s pretty self explanatory.” Mr. Robot says. “We did it when Flipper swallowed that computer chip. Or at least I took care of it while the Mastermind was off doing fuck knows what.”

“What do I do? Do I just lie the kid on the ground?” Elliot asks. “It’s dirty.” 

“Well it doesn’t look like the kid’s been washed lately.” Mr. Robot replies. “It doesn’t look like any of those kids are washed. Sure, they were scared as hell when Tyrell whacked the guy, but none of them looked too upset. While you were busy freaking out I really took a look at the kids. Some of them got bruises up and down their legs and arms. Worried if the kid has any. He’s so young.” 

“Well, people hurt kids all the time.” Elliot huffs, laying Erik down on the ground and digging through the bag, pulling out a diaper and wipes. “No matter how young they are.”

“Doesn’t make it right.” Mr. Robot replies. “We both know that.”

“I know.” Elliot replies. “Shit. How the fuck do I do this?”

“Well first you gotta undo his onesie.” Mr. Robot supplies. Elliot gives Mr. Robot a wary look. “Don’t worry. It’s not weird.”

“You know, I was never planning on ever having kids so I never thought I’d be doing this.” Elliot replies. “If I knew I was going to run away to Sweden with Tyrell sooner, I would have talked to Krista about how to handle this.” 

Mr. Robot sighs. “Listen, I know you’re scared, but you need to do this. The kid can’t sit in his shit forever and we don’t know how long Tyrell’s going to be in there or if he’s coming out. That Nora chick looked crazy. We can just do this very clinically. Don’t even think about it. You’ll probably be doing this a lot in the future anyway, so you might as well get used to it.” 

Elliot sighs and reaches over and undoes the onsie. “You gotta like hike up the onesie flap high enough so the kid doesn’t get shit or whatever on his clothes.” Mr. Robot instructs. Elliot does what he’s told and then moves to undo the diaper.

“Gross.” Elliot says out loud. “What now.” 

“You gotta maneuver the kid and get him out of the diaper. Then roll the diaper up like a burrito and seal it up with the flaps that were keeping it together.” Flipper starts getting closer to where the diaper is and Elliot has to shove her away. 

“You’re not eating shit.” Elliot huffs, wrapping the diaper up. “That would be disgusting and I would never let you lick my face again.” Elliot reaches over for the wet wipes and pulls one out.

“Okay, now you gotta wipe his ass.” Mr. Robot says. “The glory of parenting, amirite? He’s a good baby though. He hasn’t tried wriggling away. Imagine chasing after a crawling toddler covered in shit.” 

“Wow, thanks for that image.” Elliot deadpans, wiping Erik down. “Okay, so then diaper?” 

“Diaper.” Mr. Robot confirms. He watches Elliot put on a fresh diaper and praises, “See, that wasn’t so hard. By the thousandth diaper, imagine how second nature it’ll be.” Mr. Robot looks around. “Hm, now where to throw it away?”

“I think the nearest trash can is the Olafson house.” Elliot replies.

“Do you wanna chance going there again?” Mr. Robot asks.

“We can just throw it out in their outside bin.” Elliot asks. “Plus, we can check if Tyrell is still alive.” 

“When you throw that out, you gotta wash your hands. Don’t wanna be walking around with poop hands.” Mr. Robot says, getting up and starting towards the house. “Pretty sure there’s hand sanitizer in the bag. Use it.”

Elliot buttons Erik back into place and picks up the kid, shifting him into one arm while the other hand has the soiled diaper. “Good job dude.” Elliot says to the kid. Erik just looks up at Elliot and says something in Danish, which Elliot doesn’t understand. But the kid places his hands on Elliot’s face and gently pats it. Elliot can’t help but crack a smile. “Come on Flipper.” Elliot calls, following Mr. Robot. Flipper trots alongside Elliot and they get to the house. 

Elliot listens carefully. There doesn’t seem to be any screaming. But he can’t hear anything anyway. He really hopes Tyrell isn’t dead or that he hurt anymore people. He opens the lid to the garbage can and throws the diaper in. As he does that, the front door swings open and Tyrell walks out, stopping in his tracks when he sees Elliot and Erik. He looks a little disheveled, but otherwise the same. “I thought I told you to go back to the car.” he says, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I did.” Elliot replies, putting the lid back on. “Are you done?”

“Yup.” Tyrell replies, stepping down the stairs and stopping in front of Elliot. He removes his gloves and stares intently at his son. Elliot feels Erik wriggling in his arms and turns his attention to Erik. The kid isn’t crying but he looks very uncomfortable. Tyrell says something to him in Swedish and reaches over to touch him, but Erik shakes his head and hides his face against Elliot’s chest. Tyrell frowns and says something again in Swedish, this time softer and gentler but Erik won’t budge.

“Why is he so scared of me?” Tyrell asks helplessly, his hand hovering over the baby’s back. 

“Is your boyfriend an idiot?” Mr. Robot asks behind him. “The kid just saw this Patrick Bateman-look-alike bludgeon his foster dad. That’s some scary shit.” 

Elliot chooses not to say that and instead places a hand on the back of Erik’s head. His hair feels soft like a baby duck and Elliot can’t help but pet it. “Hey, kid, this is your dad.” Elliot tries to tell Erik, who sure as hell doesn’t understand what Elliot’s saying. “No need to be scared.” Erik’s big blue eyes look back at him before he hides his face back in Elliot’s neck. Elliot looks back at Tyrell, who he can tell is trying to hide his jealousy. “He just needs to get used to you.” Elliot supplies. “He did see you attack his fake dad.”

Tyrell breathes heavily through his nose and looks like he’s going to say something but doesn’t. He looks down and sees Flipper and tightly smiles, picking her up. “Let’s go back to the car, we have a long journey ahead of us.”

Tyrell and Elliot walk side by side together in relative silence. Elliot glances down at Erik, who’s giving tentative glances towards Tyrell in curiosity. Elliot can’t help his own curiosity so he asks, “What did you do when I left?”

“I made sure that they’d never try to find Erik again.” Tyrell explains. “I told them that I have connections and blackmail and that if they dare contact the authorities or do anything, I will fuck up their lives.” It scares how nonchalant Tyrell sounds but Elliot shouldn’t be throwing rocks at a clear house. He remembers all the times he’s threatened people with that same demeanor. It just shocks him every single time Tyrell gets this way, it sends shivers down his spine, reminding him how dangerous Tyrell can be. The Mastermind was constantly on guard and anxious around Tyrell and Elliot can’t forget those memories. “But don’t worry, I gave them some hush money so they’d keep quiet.” Tyell says, bringing Elliot out of his thoughts. 

They fall back into silence as they reach the car. They both go through the struggle of putting Erik into the car seat. The kid is still freaked out by Tyrell, so Tyrell tries the best he can to help Elliot out, who is absolutely lost and doesn’t know what to do. Eventually, they get Erik strapped in and Elliot is surprised that Flipper jumps into the backseat with Erik instead of on his lap. But the dog seems to keep Erik calm and the car ride is silent. Occasionally Elliot catches Tyrell glancing through the rearview mirror at Erik, looking longingly and fondly. 

“He’s gonna like you.” Elliot assures. “Just give him time to adjust.”

Tyrell’s calm demeanor crumbles and Elliot finally sees how Tyrell actually feels. He looks distraught and Elliot wants Tyrell to never feel that way again. “I knew it was going to be hard.” Tyrell says, holding back tears. “I knew he’d have to have some time to get used to me but it fucking hurts. I’m his father. He shouldn’t be scared of me. I’ve thought about him every single day. But the fact that he won’t even let me touch him? That’s painful. I would never hurt him ever. I’ll never be the kind of father my father was, but to see him react to me like I was around my father? It brings me one step closer to being just like that bastard.” 

“Hey.” Elliot says, putting a hand on Tyrell’s hand resting on top of the gear shift. “You’re not like your father. The fact that you’re feeling this way means you want to be a good dad. He just needs to warm up to you. And he will. I know he will. This isn’t going to last forever.” Elliot feels what he said is inadequate, but he’s never been very good at words.

“You’re right, I know. I just feel useless.” Tyrell admits, finally letting himself cry.

“I know.” Elliot replies. “But you’re not. You’re doing great.”

He sees Tyrell glance over at him and watches Tyrell take his hand in his. “I love you. Thank you for being here.”

Elliot glances in the rear mirror and sees Erik soundly asleep with Flipper’s head in his lap. He glances back at Tyrell. “I love you too.”

* * *

The first month living in Gothenburg was rough. Both Tyrell and Elliot had to learn how to live with a baby. Erik wasn’t a newborn by any means, but he was still a one year old baby. The kid had only had his first birthday that May, so he wasn’t entirely helpless like a newborn but he was still a little tiny thing. 

The first few weeks, Erik was attached to the hip with Elliot. The child seemed to have imprinted on him. He constantly wanted to be with Elliiot, every waking moment he would cry and be upset until Elliot was carrying him or near him. Erik would stay up as late as he could just so he could be with Elliot, eventually falling asleep in Elliot’s arms, wherein Elliot would deposit the child to his crib. But if Elliot wasn’t there when he woke up, he’d wake up crying. 

This deeply upset Tyrell and frazzled and exhausted Elliot. Elliot used to think that he knew what exhaustion was. He lived in a perpetual state of exhaustion. But dealing with a kid was a whole new thing. More often than not, Elliot would find himself falling asleep doing mundane tasks, that's how tired he was. He's almost slipped and died in the shower several times. Elliot was not expecting Erik to be so attached to him. Tyrell was desperately trying to keep his cool, but Elliot knew it was taking a toll on him. He would always hover by. When Elliot had to get up in the middle of the night when Erik cried, Tyrell would always follow, hovering near the doorway while Elliot took care of things.

They slowly tried to get Erik to get used to Tyrell. It helped that Tyrell was the only person in the house who could communicate with the child. Erik adored Elliot but it was clear the kid had no idea what Elliot was saying. And the kid loved to talk. And Tyrell, being the only one to understand him, really catered to that need. Elliot would watch the two talk to each other with Erik usually in his lap with Tyrell sitting across from them on the couch. Those moments were Elliot’s favorite moments. He loved seeing Tyrell light up when Erik laughed. 

“You can tell he’s Tyrell’s son.” Mr. Robot said one night, observing the little family. “He’s as obsessed with you as Tyrell is.”

During this time, Erik got to calling Elliot, Ewwie. The kid couldn’t say his L’s very well and Elliot noticed that babies sort of gave up at the end of words. Erik would gurgle at Elliot, “Ewwie, up!” or “Ewwie, sitta med mig!”

The day Erik called Tyrell “pappa”, Tyrell nearly lost it crying. 

At the end of July, Elliot came back from Flipper’s night walk and was met with the image of Erik sleeping on top of Tyrell’s chest on the couch. He couldn’t help himself. He took out his phone and snapped a quick picture.

So this was his life now. And Elliot couldn’t complain. 

They had started teaching Erik English. The kid took to it like a duck to water. Any opportunity to talk, Erik would take. Elliot in return was trying to learn Swedish but was failing horribly. It didn’t help that nearly everyone in Gothenburg spoke English and would easily switch to English once realizing that Elliot was an American. Erik would sometimes switch in between English and Swedish nonsensically in attempts to make both Tyrell and Elliot laugh. 

Being in Sweden was also doing wonders for Tyrell. This was the most relaxed Elliot has ever seen Tyrell. He let his beard and hair grow out a bit, and Elliot would tease him, stating that he looked like a viking. The growth of hair also meant that Elliot got more beard burn on his thighs, but on the other hand he had something to grab onto/yank when Tyrell was going down on him. 

He never thought Tyrell would be the kind of person who was really into PDA but whenever they were out and about, Tyrell’s hands would constantly be on him. He would lean over and kiss Elliot without hesitation. Elliot also noticed that Tyrell would not correct people when they called Elliot his husband. He figured that Tyrell assumed that Elliot didn’t understand what people were saying, as they mostly talked to Tyrell in Swedish, but Elliot understood a little bit and understood that “make” and “man” was husband in Swedish. Elliot was surprised to find that he didn’t mind much either. Although when people would talk to Elliot in English and ask if Tyrell was his husband, Elliot would correct them, “No, he’s my partner.”

Gothenburg was beautiful. It reminded Elliot of the pictures he’s seen of Amsterdam with canals in the middle of the city. But the city had its certain Nordic flair and Elliot couldn’t help but fall in love with the city. The architecture was a mixture of old and new and Elliot liked looking at the older buildings and thinking about how this whole city was older than the United States. And to be experiencing this with Tyrell was amazing. Tyrell went to university here, so he knew the town like the back of his hand. He would take Elliot to his old haunts, excited to share everything with Elliot. He also met Tyrell’s Swedish friends, who all took to Elliot for some reason. Elliot never saw himself as someone people liked.

Tyrell still knew Elliot was nervous around people so he constantly had a grounding hand on Elliot’s knee or he held Elliot’s hand. It was one night they were at a pub with a few of Tyrell’s friends: Hedda, Nils, Pelle, Siri, Ruben, and Astrid. Elliot constantly wondered how Tyrell seemed to surround himself with supermodel people, as all of his friends were tall and beautiful. All were successful in their own fields, which didn’t surprise Elliot. Of course Tyrell would only befriend geniuses. Hedda was a brain surgeon, Nils was an architect, Pelle was a journalist, his wife Siri was a professor of statistics at their alma mater, Ruben was a Michelin star chef, and Astrid was a software engineer. They intimidated Elliot to no end, so he wasn’t sure why they seemed to like him.

“You’re good for him.” Astrid whispered to Elliot. Elliot couldn’t help but flinch at her closeness. Tyrell was off with the others trying to hassle the bartender for some reason. Or maybe they knew the bartender? Because those drunk Swedes were talking rapid fire at the bartender. He’d never know. But for some reason Astrid stayed behind with Elliot.

“Oh, sorry. Personal space.” She said, blushing. She rested her elbow on the table and adjusted her clear spectacles. Her strawberry blonde hair was tied up in a messy bun, which seemed to get looser as the night wore on. Her bangs were in disarray but of course she managed to still look good. “But I meant it.” She finally says after a while. “When Tyrell loves, he loves super intensely. It’s almost too much. I feel like not enough people he’s with can handle it or appreciate it. I love the guy but he can also be a pain in the ass. He can be selfish and an arsehole but I don’t know. Something about you balances all of that out.” 

Elliot stares at her. He doesn’t know what to say. He’s never had anyone talk highly about his and Tyrell’s relationship. Except for Dom in a passing comment. But Darlene still disapproved of their relationship. Or at least she did the last time they’ve talked to each other. Elliot doesn’t know what she thinks anymore. 

“Not much of a talker, hm?” Astrid says finally, after Elliot struggles to find any words. “That’s okay. I’m usually not that talkative, but I’m drunk so it cancels out.”

“Sorry, I just didn’t know what to say.” Elliot replies sheepishly. “I don’t really know how to talk to people.”

“I guess that’s what us techies have in common.” Astrid laughs, gulping down her strawberry daiquiri. “We’re shit at talking. Except Tyrell. But that man is an anomaly.” She holds up her empty glass. “Well I’m empty. I’m gonna order another drink. Do you want a drink? I’ll get what you’re getting if it isn’t something boring like beer.” 

“I like appletinis.” Elliot admits. That earns a glowing smile from Astrid. 

“Thank God, a man with taste.” She raises a finger and gestures to a waitress walking by. “Två appletinis, snälla.” 

“I’m glad you approve of my drink choice.” Elliot can’t help but laugh. 

“What’s the point of drinking alcohol if it tastes bad?” Astrid replies. 

“Some people just want to get fucked up. It doesn’t matter how it tastes.” Elliot shrugs.

“What’s the point in that?” She scoffs. Just then, the waitress sets down the appletinis. “I want to be able to enjoy myself while getting fucked up. 

“Sometimes the effect is better than the process of getting there.” Elliot says, thinking back to his days of snorting morphine. Snorting anything wasn’t a pleasant experience, but the high he would feel beat the unpleasantness.

She looks at him with unwavering eyes. “Hm. Maybe you’re right. But I’m not one of those people. But hey, I’m a hedonist.” She lifts up her glass by the stem, sticking her pinky out. “What do they say in America? Cheers?”

“Yeah, cheers. What about in Sweden?”

She smirks. “Skål.” She replies. “Maybe I can say cheers and you can say skål. It’ll be a cute cross cultural meeting.” 

Elliot can’t help but smile. “Okay.” He lifts up his own glass and they clink them together, each saying their respective words.

“You’re a gem.” Astrid remarks after they both take a sip. “I like you.”

Astrid and Elliot spend the rest of the night together, talking. Eventually Tyrell and the rest of his friends stumble back to their table. “Astrid, are you stealing my boyfriend?” Tyrell asks drunkenly, sliding next to Elliot and wrapping a possessive arm around Elliot’s shoulder. 

“Maybe.” Astrid replies. “He’s a cutie. Once you left I just had to swoop in. I’m surprised no one else tried to steal him away. Cute foreigner like him.”

“Du är jävla rolig.” Tyrell replies, deadpan.

“Sjalusi är en ful färg på dig, min kära.” Astrid laughs, patting Tyrell on the shoulder. “You should take care of him.” She says to Elliot. “I think he and our friends had way too much to drink.” 

Eventually, Tyrell and Elliot part ways from Tyrell’s friends. They needed to go back home to relieve the babysitter of their duty. On the walk home, they both swayed drunkenly through the streets, Tyrell’s hand wrapped around Elliot’s waist, keeping him close. Elliot was less drunk than Tyrell, but Astrid kept buying them appletini after appletini so he was down for the count as well. 

“They like you.” Tyrell says, his lips pressed against Elliot’s temple. Elliot has to be the eyes of this operation because Tyrell keeps pressing his face against the crown of Elliot’s head or his temple, kissing and smelling every so often. It would be cute if Elliot wasn’t afraid they were going to fall in the canal. “I mean, I knew they would. You’re brilliant. They all saw that.”

“That’s very flattering.” Elliot replied, trying to keep Tyrell balanced. 

“You don’t believe me.” Tyrell accused. “You never believe anyone when they compliment you. Or like you.”

“Not many people like me.” Elliot replies, finally getting to their doorstep. 

“Well those people are fucking idiots.” Tyrell declares, throwing himself off Elliot and bracing himself against the railing of the stairs. “You’re the best person I know.”

“Thank you.” Elliot laughs, fishing out his keys from his pocket. When he finally gets them out he realizes Tyrell hasn’t taken his eyes off him.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Tyrell says seriously. His blue eyes are intense and Elliot has to look away. 

He unlocks the door and walks in, calling for Emma, the teenager next door they hired to watch Erik and Flipper. She appears, informing Elliot and Tyrell that Erik’s asleep and Flipper has been walked. Tyrell slinks away somewhere and Elliot thanks Emma for her time and paying her for her service. 

After Emma leaves, Elliot finds Tyrell laying on the couch in the living room. “You can’t sleep here.” Elliot says, moving Tyrell’s legs and sitting where they once were. “Let’s go to bed.”

“I meant what I said.” Tyrell says, not even acknowledging what Elliot said.

“Okay, and?” Elliot asks. “You’ve told me that before.”

“But I know you don’t believe it.” Tyrell replies, staring intently at Elliot. He sits up and leans towards Elliot, cupping his hands around Elliot’s face. 

Elliot stares at Tyrell, not saying anything. His mind is racing but he can’t remember a single thought. “Is this a proposal?” Elliot asks.

“If you want it to be.” Tyrell murmurs, resting his forehead against Elliot’s. “I, for one, would love to marry you.”

“I don’t want this to be a proposal.” Elliot responds. He can feel Tyrell’s disappointment radiating off him. “We’ve only been dating for a few months. Let’s not rush anything.” 

Tyrell pouts and Elliot can’t help but laugh and lean in and kiss the pout. “Let’s go to bed, Tyrell.” He pulls Tyrell up and they both stumble to their bedroom. 

Tyrell falls fast asleep, his arm slung over Elliot’s waist in his sleep. Elliot glances over at Tyrell and gently pushes his hair out of his face. 

Does he want a life with Tyrell?

Yes.

But does he deserve a life with Tyrell?

No.

* * *

Everything would be fine if Elliot actually did what he was supposed to do. He promised Krista that he’d find a therapist in Sweden. But he kept putting up excuse after excuse. At first it was that he would find a therapist after everything settled down. He and Tyrell were so busy settling down and figuring stuff out. 

“You should go find a therapist.” Tyrell said during this time. “That’s really important.”

“There’s so much going on.” Elliot replied. “I don’t have time.”

That caused Tyrell to frown. “Elliot, you promised Krista that you’d find a therapist. I understand that things are hectic right now, but your health also matters.”

“Don’t worry.” Elliot assured him. “I’ll be okay.”

Tyrell didn’t seem to buy it but he let it go for a while.

At one point during early August, Tyrell walked into the living room and threw down a packet of therapist contact information. “I did the research for you.” he said. “Please look these people up and call them.”

Elliot picked up the packet and scanned through the names. “Thank you.” Was all he said.

He never contacted any of the therapists. 

Elliot tried to convince himself that everything was fine. He was okay. He could handle not seeing anyone for a couple of months. They weren’t going to stay in Sweden forever. He could last a couple of months.

Krista called him a couple of times but he sent her straight to voicemail, guilt crossing his mind when he rejected the call. He listened to her voicemails asking if he had found a therapist yet and if he had, she’d send over his information to them. Eventually, she stopped calling.

Also during this time, Darlene was still ignoring him. He tried calling and texting her, but she wouldn’t pick up or respond. Elliot knew he deserved it though. He had his own track record of ignoring Darlene for months on end, even before the Mastermind took over. She was just giving him a taste of his own medicine, but it still hurt nonetheless. He wasn’t even sure if Darlene got the texts and phone calls. She could have blocked his number.

Eventually Elliot convinced himself he deserved to feel like shit. He was an awful human being who couldn’t even function correctly in society. But he kept it all to himself, not telling Tyrell about how he was feeling. Eventually, he started lying to Tyrell that he found a therapist and would have to spend an hour or so wandering Gothenburg, hoping to god that he wouldn’t run into Tyrell. His favorite spot to hide out was this little alcove along the pier. He and Flipper would just sit on a bench and stare blankly at the canal. 

“You need to get help.” Mr. Robot would say, sitting next to him.

“Rich coming from you.” Elliot would reply. “I thought you hated the idea of me becoming all muddled and subdued. You’d prefer if I stayed crazy.”

“Well, sorry to break it to you kiddo, but you’re always gonna be fucking crazy.” He lit a cigarette. “But the way you’re thinking and feeling, that shit isn’t good. You need to see a therapist. Tyrell literally did all the work for you. Don’t you think he’s getting a little suspicious? You haven’t been yourself lately.” 

Elliot noticed it too. Tyrell would tell him that if the current therapist wasn’t working out, he could always switch to another one. He even offered to go with Elliot, but Elliot would assure him that it was fine. He could do it by himself. 

“I get it, you don’t like asking for help.” Mr. Robot said, breaking Elliot out of his revarly. “But the way this is going, I don’t see you alive by the end of this month.”

This time Elliot lit his own cigarette, taking an inhale and looking at all the people walking past. They all looked so happy, like they had things figured out. Elliot knew that it wasn’t the case. Life was messy and unpredictable, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was an outsider looking in. He’s felt that way his entire life. Life would still go on if he wasn’t here. He was just one small part of the universe. Few people would miss him (Darlene wouldn’t at this point). “Maybe that’s for the best.” Elliot replied eventually. Mr. Robot frowned but said nothing in response. 

So Elliot let it fester and bottle up. He kept up appearances though, continuing to play doting caretaker to Erik and a good boyfriend to Tyrell. When he was with them, it was one of the few moments Elliot actually felt sort of happy. But he would always remember in the back of his head that he was a piece of shit and it would ground him back in reality.

There were days where it was hard to even continue existing. But he had to keep up an image. Those days started far in between to a daily occurrence. Until one day, it came to a head.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go shopping with us?” Tyrell asked, putting on Erik’s shoes. 

Elliot stood at the hallway doorway, leaning against the wall. “No. It’s fine. I have work to catch up on.” Elliot lied easily. “Take Flipper, though. She’ll be a great replacement.” 

“Ja! Flipper kommer också!” Erik cried in joy. “Ewwie come too!” 

Tyrell picks up Erik and looks at his son. “Elliot can’t come, he’s busy.” He told his son. 

“Another time, kid.” Elliot said, walking up to Erik and gently patting his head. “Be good for your dad. Don’t talk to strangers. Unless they’re really cool.”

“Don’t encourage him.” Tyrell replied, leaning in and kissing Elliot’s cheek. “We’ll miss you. See you later.”

“Bye.” Elliot murmurs. He watches Tyrell, Erik, and Flipper leave the house and finally it feels like he can breathe. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he finds himself stumbling into the kitchen. His breathing is labored and frantic. It feels like he’s dying. He leans against the counter and tries to breathe but when he exhales sobs come out instead. Eventually he can’t bear standing and slides to the ground, leaning against the kitchen cupboards, shaking. He doesn’t know how long he’s sat there, crying hysterically. He hasn’t cried like this since they left New York, but the feeling is like an old familiar coat. 

His thoughts are cyclical and tumultuous. He shifts from telling himself he’s a worthless human being to being worried that Tyrell would come home soon to wanting so desperately to kill himself and other similar thoughts. They swirl and grow more insistent, stronger. He hates himself. He’s a terrible human being. He doesn’t deserve to live. 

He can tell Mr. Robot is trying to get through to him but his thoughts override Mr. Robot’s presence. He’ll flicker into Elliot’s view, but as quick as he appears, he disappears, Elliot unwilling to hear him out. Elliot finally has complete control over himself, he realizes. He can do whatever he wants and they can’t stop him. He hears them screaming for him to stop it, but he sifts through and ignores them like error messages. 

Out of all his attempts, he’s never felt this sense of control before. Maybe this is an omen. Maybe it means that this attempt will finally be a success. There was a bug in his coding before, but now it’s gone. He’s fixed it. He’s fixed himself. He’s no longer corrupt data because maybe Elliot was always meant to do this. Every action is otherwise going against the programming. 

He moves methodically in his actions, still shaking from the sobs wracking his body, but he is resolute. He forces himself to get up from the cool kitchen tile, digging through drawers until he finds one of the sharper paring knives. 

“Fucking stop it.” Mr. Robot screams, but his voice is coming in like static, he's glitching in and out. “You don’t know what you’re fucking doing!”

Elliot ignores him as he walks to the guest bathroom. Mr. Robot is following him, blipping in and out of frame. He locks the door behind him, but when he turns around Mr. Robot is there. Of course. He isn’t real. He can do that. No matter. He doesn’t have control. Elliot does.

Elliot gets into the tub and examines his forearms, staring at the scars that display his weakness. His failure. All he has to do is trace those lines. Perhaps it was fate creating an instruction manual. All of those failed attempts were for this moment.

In the corner of his eye he sees Mr. Robot pacing around like an enraged lion, tearing at his hair and swearing and screaming at Elliot. He raises the knife and presses the sharp tip to his pulse and begins to cut vertically, but before Elliot can go any further, Mr. Robot grabs Elliot’s head and slams it against the tub.

Elliot blacks out.

* * *

When Elliot wakes up, he’s in his apartment in New York. He sits up frantically in bed and stares down at his forearms. They’re unblemished. No scars. No burn marks. He looks at his bedside table and picks up his phone.

11:16 am. 

Fuck.

Fuck.

No.

No.

No.

How dare he.

He throws the sheets off him and frantically gets up from the bed, glaring at the ceiling. “What the fuck?!” He screams. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why did you have to fucking take over?!” He’s met with silence. He’s so mad. He’s so fucking pissed. He starts picking shit up from his weird nice apartment and throwing shit against the wall, screaming with rage. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been doing it, but eventually he sits down on the floor, surrounded by detritus, panting and his anger no less intense. He’s back in this fucked up “perfect” world the Mastermind created. He could kill someone. He now wants to kill himself out of spite so none of this could exist anymore. 

“Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!” Elliot screams, slamming his fists against the floor, getting cuts on his fists from the various destroyed things. 

“Stop throwing a hissy fit.” Elliot looks up and it’s him.

“Fuck off.” Elliot hisses, getting up from the floor and stalking towards the Mastermind. “Don’t fucking talk to me. I fucking hate you.”

“We did this for your own good.” The Mastermind says, barely restraining in matching Elliot’s anger. “You fucking blame me for fucking up your life? Look at you now.”

“You shut the fuck up.” Elliot hisses. “You all promised to never take away my agency again. That includes this. You’re all a bunch of lying assholes.”

“We’re saving your fucking life.” The Mastermind argues. “We’re preventing you from making the biggest mistake of your life you fucking idiot.”

“I despise all of you.” Elliot declares. “I would fucking kill you right now if I didn’t know that you’d fucking just reappear. I’d kill you the same way you killed me when you were trying to gain control of our life. I’d make you suffer. But I can’t do any of that, so do me a favor and fuck off because I fucking hate all of you.” 

“We’ll give you back agency once you fucking stop this attempt.” The Mastermind says, his eyes full of steel. “So the sooner you fucking snap out of this and I don’t know, actually get fucking help for your fucked up brain instead of lying to the people you love, then you can get your precious life back.”

“Fuck off.” Elliot hisses.

The Mastermind takes a hand out of his hoodie pocket and flips him off. “Gladly.”

Elliot doesn’t know how long he’s been under. This is also the first time he was actually conscious of where he was. Before, he was living in ignorance, not once questioning why every day was the same. 

But now he was aware. He knew this was all fake. He was lost somewhere deep in his subconscious. This time, Elliot didn’t try to live his perfect life. He didn’t show up to his job as CEO of AllSafe, he didn’t talk to Angela, he didn’t go see his perfect parents. Instead, he just sat on the beach and watched the waves hit the shore, perfectly in the same spot every single time. And nobody his mind had concocted came out to talk to him. He was just sitting alone in Coney Island, wasting his days away. The sun would never move from its spot. And every time Elliot checked the time, it was 11:16 am. Nothing ever changed. He didn’t even get a sunburn from sitting out in the sun all day. It was just an endless loop.

Elliot resigned himself to looking at the ocean for the rest of time, or until his physical body died. Maybe he’d be here forever. He’s fucked up so much. There was no way he could go back now.

“You need to go back.” The Mastermind said, appearing next to Elliot. “Mr. Robot can’t be in control forever.”

“I don’t see why not.” Elliot replied, not taking his eyes off the ocean. 

“It’s because it’s your life Elliot, he doesn’t want to be in control.” The Mastermind argues. “So stop sulking and get back up there.”

“Maybe you could take over.” Elliot says, staring up into the sky and putting into detail how the sea meets the sky in a perfect line. “You’ve always wanted that.”

“Not anymore.” 

Elliot can’t help but laugh. It’s one of the most hilarious lies he’s heard in his life. He almost doubled over laughing. The Mastermind stands there, his hands shoved in his hoodie pockets and he just stares at Elliot in furious confusion. 

“You forget that I know you. I am you. I understand you. I hear your thoughts. I know your wants. I know that you envy the fact that I get to live my life. You’re envious that I get to have friends, people who love me. You’re quiet in your envy but I know who you are.” Elliot finally looks the Mastermind in the eyes. It’s almost like a standoff. “I know you’re in love with him. Every time we fuck, I can feel your desperation in wanting it to be you. Or whenever we kiss or touch, or anything. Because you never got to experience that. You didn’t let yourself experience that and now you fucking regret it.” Elliot presses his index finger against the Mastermind’s temple, almost exactly mirror to the last interaction the Mastermind had with Tyrell. “So don’t fucking lie to me. Because we both know that’ll do none of us good.”

The Mastermind reaches up and rips Elliot’s finger away from him. He glares at Elliot before turning around and walking away from Elliot. Elliot turns back to the ocean, and just stares.

“Okay, playtime is over.” Mr. Robot says, appearing next to Elliot. Elliot can’t help but be surprised. This is the first time he’s showed up. He wonders briefly who’s taking control of the body. “Wake the fuck up and get moving.”

“Who’s in control now?” Elliot asks noncommittally, not taking his eyes off the ocean. 

“It doesn’t fucking matter because it’s not you.” Mr. Robot replies.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” Elliot says.

“He’s only taking over so I can fucking talk some sense into you.” Mr. Robot argues. 

“Maybe he should keep control.” Elliot shrugs. “It’s what he always wanted.”

“Do you realize how much your little stunt has affected people?” Mr. Robot says. “Tyrell knew from the minute he saw me that it wasn’t you. We both tried to keep it lowkey for the kid, but I’m pretty sure the kid knows something is wrong.”

Elliot feels his heart twinge but he stays resolute. “It’s better if I stay down here.” Elliot replies. “I fucked up. I don’t deserve to be in control. Or to live. We fuck up every thing we do, man. We destroy everything that is good in the world. It’s been like that ever since I was born. There are some people who don’t deserve to live. I guess I'm one of those people.”

“You’re selfish, you know that?” Mr. Robot says. “You only ever think ever think about how you feel and how much of a waste of space you are. You forget about the people who fucking care about you and from my time occupying the body I’ve gotta say, you have a fucking loving boyfriend and kid who care about you a lot. If you died, think of how they’d feel. Tyrell would be absolutely devastated. You know the kid has had so much horrible shit happen in his little life already, you’d be adding to it. Think about Darlene, she’d be devastated. She’d probably blame herself for your selfish fucking actions. Because that’s all you really are, selfish.”

Elliot would have fallen for it if he didn’t know deep down how quickly people can be forgotten. He’s seen it with his own eyes. Mr. Robot has too. He’s just a blip, a memory that will soon be lost to time. Just like Shayla, Angela, Joanna, Cisco, Trenton, Mobley, Romero, or even giants like Whiterose and Price. Their deaths are even more reason why Elliot doesn’t deserve to live. He caused all of them, Mastermind or not. He’s said none of this out loud but he knows Mr. Robot could hear. 

“This was inevitable.” Elliot says, finally looking Mr. Robot in the eye. He feels calm, collected. Ready for fate.

Suddenly, the world around him begins to shake. Elliot keeps his footing, noticing the waves getting closer and closer, growing more wild as the world shakes. He looks at Mr. Robot who looks equally shocked. “What’s going on?” Elliot asks.

“I don’t know.” Mr. Robot responds, looking around. 

Elliot feels like there’s another person there with them. He turns and it’s Tyrell. Not the current Tyrell but Tyrell from when the Mastermind first met him. In his hand is a phone. It’s buzzing. He does not seem affected by the earth shaking below them. Elliot’s confused, in all his hours/days/weeks he’s been under he’s seen no one but the Mastermind and Mr. Robot. 

“Tyrell?” Elliot asks, walking towards the fake Tyrell and bracing himself against the Swede.

Tyrell looks down at him, his eyes soft. He holds the phone out in front of Elliot. “Älskling. It’s for you.”

“What?” Elliot asks, confused. 

All Tyrell does is smile sweetly at him. He leans in and kisses his cheek, his mouth near the shell of Elliot's ear. “Pick up the phone.”

Elliot takes the phone from Tyrell, the number unknown. He looks back up at Tyrell, but he's gone. Not knowing what else to do, he answers the phone and holds it up to his ear.

“Hello?” He asks.

The earth shakes violently and the response echoes throughout the world.

“Elliot?”

Suddenly a wave hits him violently, causing him to fall and he’s swept away by the water.

* * *

He’s jolted back into his body. He’s standing in the garden of his and Tyrell’s house, It’s late at night. He has a phone in his hand, pressed against his ear. He moves the phone away from his face and looks down at the screen. He’s in the middle of a call right now. The caller ID says it’s Darlene.

He puts the phone back to his ear.

“Darlene?”

“Oh, my god, Elliot.” Darlene cries. It sounds like she’s having trouble breathing, and she’s clearly crying. “Please tell me it’s you.”

Elliot blinks and sits down on the lawn chair. He feels off kilter. He watches fireflies lazily bob in the sticky summer air. “It’s me.” He says. He can't believe it's her, that it's her actual voice. Unless his mind is playing tricks on him again. “What happened?”

“Tyrell told me you tried killing yourself.” Darlene sobs. “And then Mr. Robot took over to stop you but you wouldn’t come back. It’s been a week Elliot.” 

“Did you get my calls?” Elliot asks, more concerned with how Darlene feels and if she still hates him.

“Elliot–” 

“I’m sorry for shutting you out.” Elliot says, emotion almost choking his voice. “I was being a terrible brother. I just wanted to keep you safe. You were right though. I’m an asshole.” He feels tears run down his face and he reaches up and wipes them away. “I missed you.”

Darlene cries through the phone, not saying anything for a while. “I missed you too.” Darlene cries. “Even though you were such a fucking asshole I missed you. And when you ran off to Europe with Tyrell I was so mad. You didn’t even come and see me and say goodbye. But then I find out that you tried to fucking off yourself? Holy fucking shit dude, that shit fucking sucks. You suck so much and I miss you and love you and you fucking scared me.”

Darlene and Elliot talk in panicked circles, repeating the same things over again, both not quite believing that they’re actually talking to one another. Eventually, both of their panic subsides. It reminds him of when they were younger and really didn’t know how to handle the world so they would talk each other into hysterics. He explains to her the turn of events that got him where he was now.

“I’m glad you’re not dead.” Darlene sighs. “But you need to get help, Elliot. And actually fucking talk to people. Let them know how you feel. It isn’t healthy to just keep it all in.”

“I know–”

“Knowing is one thing, doing is another. You actually have to go out and do all of this. And you don’t have to do this alone. You have people who care about you, who want you to be happy.” Darlene pauses and Elliot glances at the patio door and sees Tyrell nervously pacing around. They make eye contact and Elliot quickly looks away, feeling caught. “I love you Elliot.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m going to hang up now. Bye.”

“Bye.”

The call disconnects and Elliot looks down at the screen. This isn’t his phone. It’s Tyrell’s. He knows because the background photo is a picture of Elliot holding Erik. Elliot suddenly feels really tired. He curls into himself, holding his knees close to his chest. He doesn’t even have the capacity to think clearly, his thoughts muddled. It's all too much. He's so tired. He just stares blankly at the hedges in front of him.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting out in the garden but eventually he feels a hand on his shoulder. He glances up and it’s Tyrell.

“Elliot?”

“Is this the kind of life you want?” Elliot asks, looking back at the hedges. 

“What?”

“You said you want a life with me.” Elliot replies. “But you haven’t been with me when I get like this. And yeah, sure, not everyday is going to be like this, but this isn’t the first time I’ve had a psychotic break and I’m sure as hell this isn’t going to be the last one. No matter how much progress I’ve made or whatever it’s going to be like this. What are you going to tell Erik when shit like this happens again and he isn’t fucking one years old and actually starts remembering things? And if it isn’t killing myself, it’s always something else. It’s always destructive. I don’t think I ever told you but I got fired from AllSafe because I had a nervous breakdown and destroyed everything in the main server room. Sure, we can say it wasn’t me, it was Mr. Robot, but we all know it was me. I was fired and I escaped jail time in exchange for anger management treatment. That’s where I met Krista. Angela had to beg Gideon to let me get my job back. And this isn’t an anomaly, Tyrell. You really want something like this in your life? I meant what I said in New York. I’m not good. It doesn’t matter what I want, not if having me in your life means you have to deal with this.”

Tyrell kneels down on the grass in front of Elliot. He takes Elliot’s hands and presses them against his lips, his blue eyes gazing up at him adoringly. “Tyrell…”

“I just want you to be happy.” Tyrell says, resting their held hands on Elliot’s lap. “That’s all I want.”

Elliot shakes his head. “It’s not that simple.”

“But it is.” Tyrell replies. “I understand that things like this will happen. And there’s nothing that I can do except be there for you. To support you. To love you. And I would do that any day. Even on your worst days, because I know you’d do that for me too.”

Elliot just stares at Tyrell and says nothing, thinking about how far they’ve come in their relationship to be open like this. He remembers the start of this budding “thing” with complete disregard for each other. Everything was strictly sexual and nothing else (or at least that was something they told themselves). They would hurl violent hurtful remarks towards each other, be at each other’s throats. And throughout this relationship, they’ve still had vitriolic fights. But yet, here they were, with Tyrell on his knees in front of him, looking at him with such adoration and love.

“Älskling, you’re lost in thoughts again.” Tyrell said, placing a hand on Elliot’s cheek. “Talk to me, please.”

Elliot leans into Tyrell’s touch and sighs. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through my breakdown. I understand if you’re pissed the fuck off.”

“Well, yeah, I’m fucking angry.” Tyrell huffs. “I’m angry you lied to me about seeing a therapist. I’m mad that you didn’t tell me how you were feeling or how bad it actually was with Darlene. But I’m glad that you’re still here and that you chose to come back, especially since I think this was the longest slip since the Mastermind.” Tyrell holds his gaze, his blue eyes intense. “But you have to promise me you’ll finally go to a therapist here. And I want to go with you so I know for sure you’re going.”

Elliot frowns and moves away from Tyrell’s touch. He hates that idea. “Tyrell–”

“I know you hate the idea of me going but I trusted you to go before and you didn’t. What makes you think that I’d trust you after this to actually go?” Tyrell asks. He looks at Elliot’s unchanging expression and sighs. “At least let me go with you the first few times, okay? Until you get a good rhythm and then I won’t. I won’t be in the room with you or anything. I’ll wait outside. Just please, let me do this. I don’t want to lose you.”

Okay, that isn’t completely unreasonable. And of course Tyrell had to throw in “I don’t want to lose you”. So Elliot can’t help but nod in agreement and Tyrell smiles and reaches over and kisses him. Elliot melts into the kiss and realizes that he’s missed this feeling. 

“I’ve missed you.” Elliot admits, wrapping his arms around Tyrell. He breathes in the familiar smell, presses his cheek against the soft worn t-shirt. God, he's tired. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s been a long week.” Tyrell replies, getting up from his knees. He outstretches a hand and Elliot’s takes it and is pulled up from the chair. “Let’s go to bed.”

They head back inside the house, all quiet. They pass by Erik’s room and Elliot stops and quietly opens the door. He peers in and sees the kid lying peacefully in his crib and Elliot’s tempted to go over and press his nose against the tawny hair. Since having Erik in his life, Elliot’s noticed he’s become obsessed with the fresh smell of a baby. He used to think that the idea of sniffing a baby for the sake that they were babies was weird. But now he’s one of the weirdos who does that. He tip toes into the room and leans over the crib, reaching out and gently running his thumb down Erik’s chubby cheek, admiring the smoothness of the skin. 

He loves this kid, even after just two months of being with him, this is when Elliot realizes it. He lets out a shaky exhale and turns around, seeing Tyrell leaning against the doorway looking at the scene with a tender look. They walk wordlessly to their bedroom and get ready for bed.

As Elliot lays there, slowly falling asleep. He feels the heat of Tyrell pressed against him, the weight of his arm thrown protectively over Elliot’s waist.

* * *

His new therapist, Ingeborg, is nothing like Krista physically. It isn’t until Elliot actually started looking for therapists did he realize how much he missed Krista. But he supposes that after two people go through the amount of insane shit that they went through, a certain bond would be created. Before Krista, he had never gone to a therapist, so finding one that wasn’t court mandated was pretty hard. 

He did what he always did when making decisions about people, he hacked them. He did this for all of Tyrell’s friends before he met them. In the back of his mind, he could hear Krista telling him it was a breach of privacy, but old habits were hard to kick. It was either this or the morphine, and he chose to quit the morphine. He recognized that he was doing this out of anxiety and his general fear of people, but whatever. He spent the whole day researching every single therapist on Tyrell’s list. 

He settled on Ingeborg. It was easy to hack her, her password being her kids’ names but backwards with the number one at the end. She was from Malmo, and went to university there. But then she met her now ex-husband who convinced her to move to Gothenburg. They had two daughters together, Agnes and Lily but then she found him cheating on her with their poolboy and promptly divorced him, taking custody of the girls with him having visitation rights on the weekends that he never used anyway. She reminded him a lot of Krista. 

He says so when he finally calls Krista. “So you’ve finally found a therapist.” she says over the phone. “I’m glad.”

“She reminds me a lot of you.” he replies absentmindedly. 

“Elliot, when you come back, we’re going to talk about why you haven’t been communicating with me since you left New York, but for now, I won’t press. Can you please text me her information so I can fax over your file?”

He’d been going to Ingeborg for a couple of weeks. Their sessions were okay, but Elliot never really liked therapy. But he also didn’t like being medicated so it was either one or the other. And in truth, he missed Krista. It was hard to establish something so personal again, especially what he had been through with her. She literally murdered a man for him. It wasn’t like he disliked Ingeborg. He thought she was decent, sharp and unmoving yet still very calming. For some reason he was always on edge knowing that Tyrell was just sitting in the waiting room. He felt like every single time he left her office and was face to face with Tyrell, there was this pressure to be mentally better every single time so as not to disappoint Tyrell. 

“Elliot, you’ve wandered again.” Ingeborg says, her voice slicing through his thoughts. 

He focuses back on her. “Sorry. What was the question?”

“Have you spoken to Darlene lately?” she asks.

“Yeah, we’ve texted, talked a couple of times.” he replies. Their conversations weren’t much, just little things. They didn’t really talk about the tension between them. Mostly about how New York was, how work was. He told her about his life in Sweden, little updates about Flipper and new facts about Erik. 

“That’s good.” she replies. “Have you spoken about where you guys left off?

“Yeah.” He lies. “It’s all good.”

She raises an eyebrow. “How did it go?” she asks.

“Fine.”

“Elliot.”

He hates that she can see right through him. And maybe it’s just her no nonsense attitude. “I don’t know how to broach the subject. I don’t know how to talk to people. Or communicate what I want or how I feel.” he admits. “People are confusing and I know that communication is important but, I don’t know. It’s hard. People confuse me. I confuse me.” 

“What were you thinking about earlier?” she asks. “Does it have anything to do with how you’re feeling? This confusion?” 

He shrugs. “I guess? I don’t know. I was just thinking about this whole situation. This pressure to feel better. Because people don’t want to deal with people who don’t have their shit together. It all just feels hopeless, this endless cycle of feeling okay, and only okay; never great or fantastic. And I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. This feeling isn’t exclusive. Like, I don’t know, with Tyrell out there I feel this pressure to be better than I was before I entered this room. And he probably doesn’t expect that, but I’m not used to knowing that someone cares about my wellbeing, or that he won’t leave even after my lows. But I feel like I owe it to him to feel better, but it’s not happening. I can’t do it.”

He slumps against the couch, feeling tired and out of breath. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s spoken that much during therapy. He glances at Ingeborg quickly. He can tell she’s trying to school her features, but she looks thrilled to see Elliot word vomit all over her. Finally, something she can work with.

“You don’t owe it to anyone but yourself on your healing journey.” Ingeborg says, leaning forward and engaging with him. “Sure, they are benefactors to you being ‘okay’, but it’s all for you. You’re allowed to be selfish about your own mental health. You’re allowed to have awful days or not come out of therapy right as rain because life isn’t like that. And sure, it sucks to have just ‘okay’ days, but think about what makes those days ‘okay’. Is it the people in your life? Is it what you do? I really want you to think about this, Elliot.”

He glances up at the clock. It’s been an hour. “Time’s up.” he replies, not really committing to her request.

She frowns and looks at her own watch. “Ah, I see. It is.” They both get up and she stops and looks at him. “Please, Elliot, actually really think about it, okay?”

He doesn’t say anything as he walks past her into the waiting room, where Tyrell’s sitting. The Swede looks up from his laptop and smiles at Elliot, closing it and putting it into his bag.

On the transit back home, Elliot is quiet. Elliot’s usually quiet and reserved after his sessions, so Tyrell doesn’t prod or poke. He feels Tyrell’s hand on the small of his back and he’s talking about what they should have for dinner or something, he’s not really paying attention.

Eventually, he looks up at Tyrell. “I’m sorry I’m not getting better.” he says. 

Tyrell stops mid sentence and gives Elliot a confused look. “What?”

“I still feel the same. Nothing’s changed.” Elliot sighs, leaning into the center pole of the subway cart. “I’m sorry you’re stuck with me.” 

“Hey.” Tyrell says, softly, gently cupping Elliot’s face. “Don’t apologize. Please. There’s no pressure to get better for my sake. It’s all for you. I’m just here to support you.” He leans in and kisses Elliot’s forehead. “And if anything, you’re stuck here with me, not the other way around.” 

Elliot can’t help but chuckle and he takes Tyrell’s hand that’s cupping his face and intertwines their fingers.

‘Maybe that’s what makes days okay, knowing that you’ve got people in your corner.’ Elliot thinks, staring out the window. Tyrell squeezes his hand and he looks back at Tyrell. 

‘You.’ He thinks. ‘You are what make my days okay now.’

* * *

There are days Elliot can't get out of bed. Those days fill him with guilt and sadness. On those days, he feels the weight of the world on his chest, the sadness overwhelming. The guilt was a new feeling though. Before, when he felt this way, he usually suffered alone and in his apartment. He would go days upon days without seeing a single other human being. He remembers the first time he felt this way post-Other One's occupation of the body and it was one of the worst feelings. It was the first time he had a depressive episode while being clean. 

Elliot would be lying if he said he didn't miss morphine. He missed it with ever fiber of his being, especially when life got too hard to handle. He remembers when he got his first taste for it. It was after a hospital visit his sophomore year. He dissociated and ended up being run over by a car. He still doesn't know who took over, but when they discharged him, he stole a couple bottles of pills to try to kill himself. But he got curious and smashed the pills into a fine powder and he was instantly hooked. The way morphine made him feel absolutely nothing was intoxicating, especially when he felt like dying constantly. 

It was different, feeling this way and having people who care about you live with you.

It wasn't like Tyrell didn't leave him alone. Elliot was scared after his week long stint that Tyrell wouldn't leave him alone ever, and it was like that the first few days. Tyrell would linger near him, and Elliot would catch him just staring, like he couldn't believe that Elliot was still here. And to give him credit, Elliot also couldn't believe that he was still here either. 

"If you need anything, just text me, or call out. I'll be downstairs." Tyrell whispered, standing at the foot of the bed. He never pushed Elliot to get up, but Elliot could tell this made him nervous. He would come up to the bedroom during meal times and set a plateful of food on the bedside table, insisting that there was no pressure to eat, but he would like it if Elliot did eat. 

And when night fell and Tyrell finally decided to go to sleep, he never remarked on how Elliot hadn't moved from his spot in bed all day.

The guilt gnawed at Elliot. He had a great life, a great and caring boyfriend yet he still felt this miserable. And he feels frustrated, he almost wants to tell Tyrell to stop caring about him, that nothing he did mattered because in the end, Elliot was a messed up piece of shit. But when he had that thought he couldn't help but imagine how hurt Tyrell would look. This endless cycle of conflicting feelings ate away at Elliot.

"You know, lying around being miserable isn't going to help you." Mr. Robot says from the corner of the room, being not helpful at all.

"No shit." Elliot replies, not moving. 

That earns a huff from Mr. Robot. "I hate seeing you like this."

"Join the club."

What follows is silence. Elliot hears the flick of a lighter and the sizzle of tobacco. God, Elliot missed smoking. He was trying to cut back/stop, realizing that Erik watched and mimicked everything he did. Realizing this made Elliot panic. He didn't want Erik to grow up thinking smoking was okay, so he stopped or crumbled under addiction and smoked during Erik's nap times or after he went to bed for the day. But the thing is, in order to smoke, he would have to actually get up and go outside. If he was in his own apartment, he'd just reach over and light up, but he knew Tyrell wouldn't appreciate him smoking inside. The smell would cling onto their sheets and stick to the bedroom walls. Tyrell hated the smell of cigarettes, always steering clear of Elliot when he smoked. It was a great way to get distance from Tyrell whenever they had a fight and Elliot was mad at him by chain smoking. He knew it was very petty but if anything, Elliot was petty. 

But Elliot didn't want to be anymore of a burden to Tyrell. He felt like a dead weight. And as much as Tyrell tried to keep it from him, Elliot knew that he was too much to handle.

"I can move to the guest room." Elliot said one morning. Tyrell was out of bed getting dressed for the day.

Elliot doesn't expect such a visceral response from Tyrell, who turns around and looks hurt. "Why? Did I do something wrong?"

Elliot sits up and wraps his arms around his knees. He can't look at Tyrell. It's too painful. "No, you did nothing wrong. I just don't want to bother you."

He feels the bed dip in front of him, but Tyrell keeps his distance. "Bother me? What do you mean? You don't bother me."

"You didn't sign up for this." Elliot replies. "You didn't sign up to watch me waste away in bed because I can't fucking bring myself to want to live. It's unfair to you. This is your space too and I feel like I've been just consuming it with my doom and gloom."

"Elliot-"

"You deserve to be with someone who's actually able to take care of you too. Someone who isn't so fucked up they can't even function most days. I feel so useless, no matter how much I try to be better, to get better, I can't. I don't know how to get better, I've been like this my whole life. And I feel like I'm a broken record, I keep saying the same things over and over again because I don't know what else to tell you." Elliot's hands grip at his hair, he's having trouble breathing and can't stop crying. This is the most emotion he's felt in days. "I'm so fucked up, Tyrell. I wish that I wasn't. I wish everything was different. I just- fuck. I fucking need a smoke."

They sit in silence as Elliot calms down, Tyrell not moving, giving Elliot space to breathe. Elliot feels the bed shift and watches Tyrell fish through the bedside table drawer and pull out a box of cigarettes and a lighter. "Okay, let's go outside and smoke."

"Tyrell, you don't smoke." Elliot replied, giving Tyrell a look.

"Well, now I do. And I don't want to do it alone." Tyrell insists. "Come on, baby, let's go to the garden."

"I need to get dressed." Elliot complained. He was wearing only briefs and one of Tyrell's old t-shirts. 

"No you don't." Tyrell replies. "It's our house. You can go outside naked."

That earns a watery laugh out of Elliot. He looks up from his lap and is meets Tyrell's blue eyes. He can't help but smile. Mr. Robot walks over and pulls the sheets away from Elliot.

"Come on kiddo, it's rude to not join." Mr. Robot chirps. 

Elliot lets Tyrell pull him from out of bed and for the first time in a couple of days, Elliot steps out of their bedroom. He follows Tyrell down the stairs and Flipper's head perks up from the couch in the living room. Her tail begins to wag wildly and she jumps from the couch and towards Elliot and Tyrell. Elliot can't help but laugh and pick her up, her tongue lapping at his face. 

Tyrell slides the glass door to the garden open and the two men step out onto the patio and take a seat on the steps. Elliot can't help but squint at how bright it is outside. It's been a while since he's seen sunlight. He sets Flipper down, who bolts towards the grass and runs around in circles. Tyrell flips the box open and pulls out two cigarettes, handing one to Elliot and putting the other between his lips.

"You don't have to do this." Elliot says warily, taking the lighter from Tyrell and lighting his own cigarette. He takes a deep inhale and exhales smoke. He watches Tyrell's nose scrunch up. 

"You look so sexy smoking." Is all Tyrell says before lighting his own cigarette. He barely takes an inhale before he starts coughing. 

"Jesus Christ." Elliot mutters, smacking Tyrell on the back. "You're a fucking idiot."

Tyrell hacks up a lung, but in a moment of clarity he manages, "But it worked, didn't it? You're out of bed." 

Elliot narrows his eyes at him before grabbing Tyrells cigarette out of his hand and stubbing it out against the patio. "Don't waste my cigarettes." Elliot grumbles. 

Tyrell laughs and leans over and kisses Elliot's cheek. "Never, darling. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get a drink of water." He watches Tyrell get up from the steps, listening as the screen door slides open then closed. 

Elliot sighs and steadily smokes the rest of his cigarette. He closes his eyes and lets the sun's rays soak into his skin. He hears Darlene's voice in his ear "see, maybe going outside does something to improve your mood." God, he misses her. They talk now, at least once a week on the phone. Their conversations still feel awkward and stilted, mostly because Elliot doesn't know how to talk about himself. But he's trying, and Darlene's told him that she can tell and that she appreciates it. There's a lot left unsaid between them though. Both of them know that a phone call isn't adequate for breaching those subjects though. 

The cigarette has burned down to the filter and Elliot stubs it out and puts it back into the cigarette box to throw away later. The screen door slides open and Tyrell steps out carrying Erik, still looking sleepy.

"Look who's awake." Tyrell announced as the toddler rubbed his eyes. 

"Good morning, kid." Elliot greets, smiling up at the child. 

"Ewwie." Erik whines, reaching over and making grabby hands. Elliot on instinct reaches out his arms and Tyrell kneels down and hands Erik over. The child falls into Elliot's arms and Erik's front ends up nestled against Elliot. His head rests against Elliot's chest and he buries his face in. Elliot's arms wrap out the child and he presses his cheek against the soft featherlike hair, planting a gentle kiss on the crown. 

"Miss you." Erik mutters against Elliot's t-shirt. 

Elliot's heart splinters. "Missed you too, bud." Elliot murmurs back, smoothing his hand up and down Erik's back. Elliot glances up and witnesses Tyrell staring fondly at the two of them. The screen door opens and closes again and Tyrell comes back a few minutes later with avocado toast and cherry tomatoes. Flipper rounds back to where her humans are and the little family eats breakfast outside on a warm summer day.

* * *

"I want to take you somewhere." Tyrell says out of the blue one day.

They're laying in bed, sheets tangled around them in a post-coital haze. It was the first time they had sex since Elliot's weeklong departure. The thing that sucked about being majorly depressed was that his sex drive was virtually non-existent (meaning that most of his life, his sex drive was pretty low unless he was trying to get something like drugs, money, or information). Tyrell respectfully kept his distance, content in simply being around a breathing Elliot, so it took him by surprise when Elliot was waiting for Tyrell outside Erik's room after Tyrell put the kid to sleep. It surprised him even more when Elliot pulled Tyrell into a searing kiss and growled, "I have a plug in me, fuck me right now."

"Take me where?" Elliot asked, staring up at the ceiling and catching his breath. He felt Tyrell's fingers card through his hair, twisting around a curl.

"It's a surprise." Tyrell replied. "We're going tomorrow, I already hired the girl next door to look after Flipper and Erik." 

"You know I hate surprises." Elliot grumbles, closing his eyes and making a face when Tyrell leans over and kisses his cheek.

"I know."

The next morning Elliot finds himself in the car with Tyrell, driving who knows where. Tyrell won't tell him and he's not using a GPS. "It's only an hour away." Tyrell replied.

Elliot watches as the city disappears and turns into lush farmland. It's the height of summer and the fields are green and lush, cows and sheep sprinkle the fields and it looks straight out of a painting. Elliot could never get used to seeing such wide green spaces. It reminds Elliot of how little he's seen the world. He's never had the inclination to want to travel, but after this trip, he thinks he's caught the bug. Tyrell's brought up the idea of traveling to other nations in the European Union, and if the rest of Europe looks like this, he doesn't think he has any qualms. 

Eventually they enter a town called Dramsvik, which Elliot only knows the name of as they pass the sign. Tyrell makes a few turns and suddenly they're in the woods. He pulls the car onto the shoulder of the road and they park.

"Are we here?" Elliot asks.

"Not quite yet." Tyrell replies, getting out of the car. "We're going to have to do a bit of walking. Are you up to that?"

"A walk in the woods." Elliot says, shutting the car door. Elliot internally groans. It's so hot and sticky. "I'm not sure if that's something we should make a habit of, you and I."

Tyrell sends him a wry smile. "Well, at least it isn't the middle of the fucking winter. You thought that New York in the winter was cold? Try Sweden in the winter. It'll freeze your balls off."

Elliot follows behind Tyrell, and to his surprise, they walk right into the pathless woods, but Tyrell seems to know what he's doing. "I'm not talking about the winter, even though that sucked ass. I'm talking about you getting shot and me leaving you to die and get eaten by wolves." 

"And you telling me that you didn't give a shit about me? Great times, dear, great times." Tyrell teases.

Elliot feels himself flush from embarrassment. "That wasn't me." he says defensively. 

Tyrell stops in his tracks and turns around. "I know." he says. He stares at Elliot for a moment. "It's alright, he apologized... He actually came out when you were gone."

Elliot is shocked. He doesn't know what to say.

"He's the one who had the idea to call Darlene." Tyrell says. He looks away from Elliot, looking ashamed. "He kissed me."

This information doesn't surprise Elliot. He feels the Other One's embarrassment though. He blinks up at Tyrell. "I'm not mad, if that's what you're wondering." Elliot replies. "He loves you too. And who am I to deprive him of that?" 

"Yeah, but still-"

"He's me." Elliot interrupts. "They're all me, in the end. I find no offense if you find yourself doing things with them that you'd do with me. I only have a problem if you don't want to be with any of them but they force themselves onto you."

"It feels like cheating." Tyrell argues.

"But, you want them, don't you?" Elliot replies. 

"I- it's complicated." Tyrell sighs, looking frazzled. 

"I'm more complicated than most people." Elliot can't help but laugh. Mr. Robot is right beside him. Mr. Robot is always beside him.

"I never thought we'd be in this position, kiddo." Mr. Robot grumbles.

"Well, we also thought we'd never make it past 30 and we're almost there." Elliot says. "Life is weird." Elliot turns back to Tyrell. "And if it helps, we're all really into you." Elliot almost laughs at the double take Mr. Robot gives him, the look of betrayal on his face. 

Tyrell can't help but bark out a laugh. Elliot was always good at taking Tyrell by surprise. "You'd never think that by how Mr. Robot acts." 

Elliot glances over at Mr. Robot, and in the first time in his life, looks bashful and at a loss for words. Elliot can't help but smirk. "You know him, crotchety old bastard. They continue to walk through the brush. "By the way, where are we?"

"This is where I grew up." Tyrell explains. 

Elliot is shocked. "I thought you never wanted to come back here."

"I don't. Not really." Tyrell replies. "But I wanted to show you where I'm from. I want you to know me. All of me."

Elliot looks around. "I never took you as a country boy."

Tyrell huffs out a laugh. "Looks can be deceiving, but I am a country boy, believe it or not. I came from a long line of farmers. My father was a farmer and his father before him. And my father expected that I'd take up the helm after him, especially since I was an only child. I spent my childhood herding sheep. And from what little free time I had to myself, I explored these woods. I never really had any friends, so I would wander the woods alone. I know these woods like the back of my hand."

"But you're not herding sheep now."

"No, I'm not. I had bigger dreams than that. My mom, she saw that I wanted more than that. She bought me my first computer, which my father was none too pleased about." Tyrell frowns. "He beat her as she begged him to let me keep it."

Elliot was silent. In the months of him and Tyrell being together, Tyrell almost never talked about his family, and that was saying something because Tyrell was the talker in their relationship. 

"Sounds like he was a bastard." Elliot supplies. 

Tyrell shoots him a wry smile. "Bastard is an understatement. I hated my father, I've probably hated him my whole life. I was everything he feared: change, intelligence," Tyrell gives Elliot a heated look. "Queerness. Called me a faggot every chance he got. Tried beating the intelligence and queerness out of me. It didn't matter that I liked girls too. And I didn't even have to come out to him, he just knew it, deep in his bones that his son was a fag."

Elliot frowns. His sexuality was never really a topic discussed by his family. Probably because Elliot had a distinct lack of interest towards anyone. One time his mother said to him, "It's good that you like nothing. Nobody can break your heart." She pressed her pointed finger against his chest, her long manicured nail biting into his skin. "Keep it that way, habibi. You were never meant to love or be loved." It took him years to realize that habibi was Arabic for sweetheart and not an insult. 

"He blamed my mother for how soft I was, tried every chance he got to toughen me up." Tyrell continued. "Blamed her for not giving him more children, more sons. But we were trapped. We couldn't leave. And nobody in this hick town would help us. They'd look away from us, ignore the bruises, the black eyes. A town full of cowards." The bitterness in Tyrell's voice is palpable. "But these woods, these woods are what kept me alive, where no one could touch or find me."

They come to a clearing and Elliot is met with a view of the ocean. Instead of sand, the beach is made of small pebbles. "And this, was my Eden. My oasis." Tyrell says, looking ahead.

"It's beautiful." Elliot replies. The walk out onto the pebbles and Tyrell sits down with Elliot following suit. Tyrell doesn't take his eyes off the horizon and Elliot can't help but stare at the man. 

"This was the hardest thing to say goodbye to when I left Dramsvik for good." Tyrell murmured. "There were only two good things about this town, this beach and my mother. When I graduated high school, I applied to several universities in secret. My mom helped me with the applications, we made sure to keep it from my dad. I got accepted to the University of Gothenburg and my mother told me to never come back, to stay in Gothenburg because I didn't belong in this town. I belonged somewhere bigger, somewhere they could see my potential. Somewhere greater than Sweden but Gothenburg was the first step I needed to take. And she told me not to worry about money because she would send me money every month so I could stay afloat while I studied. I tried reasoning with her, telling her that she should come with me. But she kept saying no, that she needed to stay here." Tyrell's frown deepens. 

"It wasn't until my senior year did she tell me she was dying." Tyrell's voice is thick with emotion. "Breast cancer, that she was fighting it for years before I found out. She said she didn't tell me because she knew I would have stayed behind to take care of her and she couldn't have me do that. The last time I was on this beach was the day of her funeral. She died the day after I graduated. I was moving to New York with Joanna the day after that. I told Joanna to stay in Gothenburg, I didn't want her to see where I came from or to even meet my father. And I sat here on this beach determined that I'd never come back here ever again. The last words I said to my father were that I hoped he died miserable and alone, and then I left."

They sit in silence, the hot sun beating down on the both of them.

"Then why are we here?" Elliot asks.

Tyrell looks at him, his blue eyes looking at him intently. "Because I want to let you know that you never have to be ashamed for your past or how it's effected you. I For the past few months I've seen you hide away your pain and I hated that. I hated seeing you in this much pain but then I realized that I was doing the same thing. I was hiding my shame, my past from the world. I never even shared this part of my life with Joanna and I was desperately in love with her. I only wanted her to see me as this strong, infallible creature. You've shown me your truth, your bleeding heart. It was only fair that I showed you mine in return." 

Elliot doesn't know what to say, all he can do is cry. He doesn't remember the last time he's felt this loved. 

Tyrell leans over and wipes the tears from his cheeks with his thumb, kissing his forehead. 

"Thank you." Is all Elliot can say. They sit in silence, side by side staring out into the ocean. It would be nice if it wasn't so damn hot. Suddenly, Elliot has an idea.

"Have you ever skinny dipped out here?" he asks. He does not know where this boldness comes from.

Tyrell looks at him surprised. "No, why?"

Elliot gets up and begins taking off his shirt. "It's hotter than Satan's ballsack." he replies. "And water seems like a good idea right now."

Tyrell watches him intently as Elliot strips, almost taken aback from Elliot's sudden boldness. Elliot shimmies out of his shorts and underwear, his shoes and socks being the last things he takes off. 

"Well, are you going to stare or join me?" Elliot asks with a quirk of his brow. 

"When did you get so bold, älskling?" Tyrell asks, a pleased smile on his face. 

"Like you said, there's no shame here." Elliot replies, turning around and not waiting for Tyrell to reply, because like he said, it's hot as hell out here and the sea looks too tempting. He walks towards the water and the minute the coldness hits his toes, he flinches, but doesn't stop walking. He wades deeper and deeper, the sea calm and tranquil. The waves lap at his waist and Elliot decides he's deep enough and dunks himself under the water. Cold water surrounds him but it feel great on his overheated body. He resurfaces with a gasp and wipes the sea water from his eyes. The sun is still beating down but it's tolerable now with the coolness of the water. He lays on his back and allows himself to bob up and down, his eyes closed. 

He feels arms wrap around his middle and Elliot yelps and opens his eyes, his arms wrapping around Tyrell's neck. "You're a fucking asshole." 

Tyrell laughs, "I couldn't help it. You looked so peaceful and I needed to scare you." 

Elliot pushes him away and Tyrell laughs again before dunking underwater and resurfacing, wiping the water from his face. He lays back and continues laughing and Elliot can't help but laugh along with him. Elliot fondly watches Tyrell bask in the sun. He looks so youthful, so boyish and beautiful at this moment and Elliot can't help but be charmed. He also sees so much of Erik in Tyrell, this carefreeness. 

Elliot stops staring and leans back and allows himself to float, closing his eyes.

Two men float in the sea. They are at peace.

* * *

“It’s your birthday soon.” Darlene says through the phone. “The big 30.”

“It isn’t until another month,” Elliot replies, shifting Erik’s weight so he can carry the baby more easily. “So slow your roll.”

Darlene and him talked daily now through the phone. It was always at the same time on the dot. Currently Tyrell was out and Elliot was alone in the house with Erik and Flipper. Erik’s favorite thing was to be carried by Elliot, which worried both Elliot and Tyrell since the kid was pretty shitty at walking. They were trying more and more to try to lessen Erik’s attachment to Elliot, but Elliot couldn’t help it. He had a weak spot for the kid and whenever Erik gave him those puppy eyes, up he went.

Darlene laughs but then suddenly grows very serious. “I want to visit you for your birthday.”

“What?” Elliot asks, nearly dropping Erik. Erik laughs, thinking it’s a game. He finally sets Erik down on the couch and they sit side by side. Elliot leans over and picks up a picture book lying around and hands it to Erik to occupy him, which works. Erik flips through the pages, staring keenly at the pictures. 

“I have vacation days I haven’t used up yet.” Darlene said. “Plus, they love me at the studio so they’d surely let me fuck off to Sweden for a week to visit my dearest brother.”

“You really don’t have to visit if you don’t want to.” Elliot says sheepishly. “It’s just a birthday. You’re missing nothing.”

“Elliot, stop it. I want to visit.” Darlene replies. He can just see her shaking him. “Dom and I already bought the tickets and talked to Tyrell about it so it’s too late.”

“Wow, you sneaky bastards.”

“You love us.” Darlene teases.

“Ha, maybe.” Elliot replies. 

“I miss you dude.” Darlene says. “Like a lot. I miss having you over at my place on Tuesdays and having dinner with you. I miss talking shit with you. I miss smoking with you. I want to visit. I need you in my life… Plus I really want to meet Erik. He looks adorable.”

“Do you want to talk to him?” Elliot asks. “He’s right next to me.” 

“Fuck yeah.”

“No swearing. He’s a baby.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll play Auntie Darlene real well.”

Elliot puts Darlene on speaker phone and he watches Erik light up when he hears Darlene’s voice. They’ve video chatted a couple of times and that’s when Erik and Darlene met and he’s immediately become enraptured by his “Auntie Lene”. Erik babbles nonsense and Darlene responds with the utmost seriousness.

The front door opens and Tyrell walks in, greeting both Elliot and Erik. Flipper runs towards Tyrell and jumps all over him and Tyrell picks up the squirming dog and baby talks Flipper in Swedish. 

“So I hear you and Darlene have been scheming.” Elliot replies, looking over the couch at Tyrell. 

“Hell yeah we have.” Darlene pipes up through the phone. 

“Language.” Elliot and Tyrell say at the same time, which earns a laugh from all of them. Tyrell leans down and kisses Elliot on the lips. 

“Perhaps we have, babe.” Tyrell replies. “30 is a big birthday. We wanted to surprise you.” 

“I don’t like surprises.” Elliot replies drily. 

“I know.” Darlene says. “That’s why I told you.”

“We’re excited to see you guys.” Dom says through the phone.

And that’s how Elliot and Tyrell end up at the airport a month later, picking up Dom and Darlene. The minute Darlene sees Elliot, she screams at the top of her lungs, drops her suitcase, and runs towards Elliot. Elliot’s tackled into a hug and they hold each other tight.

“Holy shit dude, I missed you.” Darlene whispers against his ear. 

“I missed you too.” He whispers back. 

They finally let each other go and Darlene turns her attention to Erik. “Hi little guy! Nice to finally meet you in person!”

“Auntie Lene!” Erik cries, leaning over and falling into her waiting arms. Dom walks up with both suitcases in hand and smiles at the group.

“Hey guys, long time no see.” Dom says.

“Erik, this is Dom. Say hi.” Darlene says, facing her girlfriend. 

“Hi Dom.” Erik says, ogling Dom and her bright red hair. 

And if Elliot didn’t know better, he would be feeling overwhelming happiness.

* * *

Dom and Darlene stay at Tyrell and Elliot’s house for the week they’re here, with Darlene doing her customary digging through everything and inspecting the house. Dom seems exhausted from the ten and a half hour plane ride, but Darlene seems boundless with energy. But overall, she seems impressed with his and Tyrell's house. It's also very adorable to see Erik at Darlene's hip as she tears apart their house. 

Elliot wakes up in the middle of the night thirsty. He turns and sees that Tyrell isn't in bed. That's weird. For once, Elliot went to sleep before Tyrell, but he expected Tyrell to be in bed by now. That puzzles him and he reaches over and checks his phone's clock. It's 1:06 am. He puts his phone back down and rubs the sleep out of his eyes before stumbling out of bed. 

He walks down the stairs but stops in his steps when he hears, "-seeing him just miserable pains me. There are some days I don't know what to do. I want to do something, but everything I do doesn't seem to work."

That was Tyrell. Elliot follows the voice and he sees Tyrell and Darlene sitting outside on the porch. Darlene has an ash tray next to her, several cigarette butts crumbled against its surface. It was odd seeing Darlene and Tyrell sitting so close and comfortably near each other. Darlene always seemed wary of Tyrell, often criticizing Elliot for literally fucking what they fought so hard to bring down. Whenever Elliot brought up that Darlene was technically doing that too with Darlene, she always balked and said, "That's different! Dom isn't the CEO of one of the most evil companies in the world." The few times Darlene and Tyrell actually interacted were always terse and formal. 

"It's fucking hard." Darlene replies, smoke billowing behind her. "And the thing is I feel like he's resistant towards anyone helping him. He keeps everything bottled up. And I can't blame him, I do that too. That's what we both did to survive. And I want to help him, I do. But sometimes you really don't know what he needs. And it's hard, and heartbreaking. But let me ask you something, does this tiredness make you want to leave?"

Elliot's breath catches as he watches Tyrell stare at Darlene, a shocked expression on his face. "W-what? No. Of course not." Tyrell sputters.

Darlene stares back at Tyrell, saying nothing for a beat, really observing the Swede. "Good." she finally responds. "Because the minute you ever do, you get your ass out of his life because he doesn't need any more years of you treating him like shit."

Elliot flushes with embarrassment and turns his heel, walking back up the stairs and into the bedroom, his thirst forgotten. He feels bad for listening in but he also feel horrible about neglecting Tyrell and his feelings. Truthfully, Elliot never thought he would get to a point in his life that he would have more than maybe one person care about him, that one person being Darlene. And with Darlene, she would flit in and out of his life, on her own path of directionlessness and chaos. 

But now with Tyrell and Darlene as a constant in his life, how could he be so selfish? He couldn't go back to sleep, so he laid in bed staring at the ceiling until Tyrell came in, closing the door gently behind him.

"Tyrell." Elliot greeted, feeling caught.

"Elliot, why are you still awake?" Tyrell asked, taking off his shirt and sliding next to Elliot in bed. He feels Tyrell's hand run up and down his arm. "Please don't tell me you waited up for me."

"You know if I get too much for you, you can leave, right?" Elliot blurts out. "You don't have an obligation to stay." 

Tyrell's hand stops.

"I didn't mean to listen in. I was going to get a drink." Elliot sheepishly replies. "But I mean it. If this gets too much, tell me. It sometimes gets too much for me, so I get it."

Elliot's joke falls flat, as usual. Tyrell does not laugh.

"Elliot-" Tyrell starts. He falls silent again and Elliot hates this. "I stay because I want to stay. You're never too much."

"We were supposed to be here for you." Elliot replies, frustrated at Tyrell's kindness. He doesn't want to be coddled or pitied. "This was supposed to be about you and Erik. I was supposed to leave my bullshit but I'm just fucked up. I've just been so self-absorbed in my bullshit that I've forgotten about how you feel. Shit isn't easy for you either but you've been nothing but positive and steady when I'm falling apart and it isn't fair to you." Elliot withers, feeling small. "I care about you. And if this is too much, please say something. You matter too."

"I never expected our time in Sweden to be about just me." Tyrell finally says. "I expected this time to be about us and our relationship with the addition of Erik. It's not only about me, and it's not only about you. It's about the both of us and what we both need. I want to take care of you, Elliot. I want to be there for the moments your feeling like absolute shit so you know you're not alone. And it's not like you haven't held me together this entire time. I was such a mess the first few months we were here. I have no idea what I would have done if I didn't have you with me. How could I turn my back on you after that?"

"You don't owe me support." Elliot says, getting a bit choked up. He closes his eyes. "You don't owe me anything. So, if this ever gets too much, leave. It's okay." Elliot fully means what he said, but he can't help but feel like crumbling inside. He knows if that actually happened, he'd be destroyed. But if that meant Tyrell would be happy, then it would be worth it.

He felt that way when Darlene left too.

He feels Tyrell's hand cup his face, pressing their foreheads together. Elliot hears Tyrell's sniffles. "I could never do that." Tyrell eventually croaks out. "It would feel worse that any bullet to the side. You're too precious to let go."

"I love you." Elliot whispers, finally opening his eyes. He realizes he doesn't say that enough in the way Tyrell's body posture changes. Shock. I love you. Those words are almost never spoken by Elliot. They feel too precious, too dangerous. Too delicate. "I love you so much. I just can't bear you holding back how you feel because I'm a wreck. Tell me how you feel. I want to know. I care." The words seem foreign tumbling out of his mouth, this tenderness Elliot rarely allowed to be said out loud. 

But Elliot needed Tyrell to know this, before it was too late.

He gently presses his lips against Tyrell's. Tyrell's response is to hold him close, even in the summer heat.

They lay down in bed, facing one another. Elliot feels so tired but he doesn't want to stop looking at the man across him. 

"I love you." Elliot whispers. "I'm sorry I don't say it enough." 

"You don't have to say it." Tyrell replies, his hand reaching for Elliot's. "I know you love me in the things you do. When you look at me I can see it in your eyes. Now, go to sleep, min älskling. We're doing touristy shit, you'll need all the sleep you can get.

* * *

They do the usually touristy things with the two women, going to the many museums Gothenburg has, admiring the architecture of the old town.

Darlene sticks by Elliot’s side the whole time and it reminds him of when they were kids. Her favorite sight is the botanic gardens, and there is where Erik finally learns how to walk without falling over his face. The four adults make quite the sight when Erik finally does it, all of them screaming at the top of their lungs. 

The conversation between them feels stilted and awkward though, no matter how much time they spend together the first few days. Neither of them want to address the elephant in the room, which is shocking considering the both of them. It's clear they're both still not used to seeing each other. Sometimes he'll catch Darlene staring at him. They'll make eye contact but eventually Darlene will turn away. 

"I didn't think this fatherhood thing would be for you." she says one day, not turning away. 

It takes Elliot aback. He looks down at the child in his arms. Erik looks back up at him and grins, a mixture of growing teeth and gum. Elliot on instinct grins back but sombers back up. "I'm not his dad." Elliot stupidly replies. 

He and Tyrell had been tip toeing around what Elliot was to Erik. Elliot refused to be called Uncle Elliot or Dad. Elliot reasoned that Elliot would suffice. He was also sure that the kid was going to hate him or at least be indifferent about him. He was not expecting the instant affection and adoration from the child. 

it's not often in Elliot's life that he's adored. 

"But I was wrong." Darlene says, ignoring Elliot's statement. "You're a really good dad. When you're with Erik, it's almost like I'm seeing Dad in you." 

Elliot's blood runs cold. "I will never be him." Elliot blurts out. He looks down at Erik and his heart clenches. _I will never be your monster, Erik._ He thinks. But he tries to calm down. Darlene doesn't know the truth. She didn't mean it that way.

Darlene's eyes are gentle. She reaches over and tickles Erik's tummy. Erik shrieks with laughter and buries his head in the crook of Elliot's neck, trying to escape Darlene's wiggling fingers. "You're right." Darlene laughs. "You'll be better." She tickles Erik's tummy before being called over by Dom about something. 

Elliot glances over at Mr. Robot. "Do you think I should tell her?" he asks. 

Mr. Robot doesn't take his eyes off Darlene's retreating form, his mouth set in a thin line.

"No." he sighs, reaching over and grasping Elliot's shoulder.

Elliot glances back at his sister. "No?"

"We're not ready."

Elliot opens his mouth to argue, but their eyes meet and Elliot feels transparent. 

"We're not." Elliot agrees.

"But maybe one day we will." Mr. Robot replies.

It's the evening on the fourth night when Darlene says, "I'm tired of this touristy shit. Take me where you take Flipper to shit."

They walk down the streets aimlessly, long after Flipper has finished relieving herself for the night. But Flipper doesn't mind at all, relishing in the fact that her two favorite humans were back together again.

It was a tradition he and Darlene had ever since he woke up. Elliot couldn't live alone for the first few months so Darlene moved into his tiny studio apartment. It was the first time in years he and Darlene cohabitated and as much as he loved her, it drove him crazy, especially with the emotional turmoil he was in. But the only time they really weren't at each other's throats was on Flipper's evening walks. In an effort for both of them to stay sober, they would take Flippers on long walks, these walks usually lasting hours of the two of them just walking around talking to each other.

When Darlene moved out to live with Dom, these evening walks became less and less, but from time to time, Darlene would swing by around 7 pm, armed with poop bags and cigarettes. 

And now here they were in Sweden, taking a walk. 

"So this is the bench where I come and cry." Elliot can't help but joke. They're at the bench by the canal. The very same bench where he sat every day for a month spiraling mentally. 

Darlene snorts out a laugh and takes a seat at one end of the bench. Elliot follows suit, sitting next to her, their shoulders touching. Flipper settles between their feet. He looks to his right and sees Mr. Robot come and take a seat. 

"Well there are worst places to come and cry." Darlene replies, pulling out her box of cigarettes. She flips the top open and Elliot reaches over and and places one between his lips. She reaches for one and flicks her lighter, lighting hers first and then reaching over and lighting Elliot's. Mr. Robot pulls out his own cigarette and lights it. "It's a very pretty place to cry. I didn't realize Amsterdam wasn't the only Northern European pretty canal shit."

They sit together in comfortable silence, staring out to the water. The reflection of light flickers against the current. 

"Why didn't you tell me you were going to find Tyrell's baby?" Darlene asks into the silence, her voice a small fragile thing.

Elliot glances over at Mr. Robot. Mr. Robot pointedly says nothing, continuing to take drags.

Elliot sighs deeply. "I didn't want you to get involved. It was too dangerous."

"That's bullshit and you know it." Darlene bites back. "You know I'm capable. You know what I can do, I could have helped you."

"It isn't about capability." Elliot replies. "Like I said, it was dangerous. I couldn't let you get tangled in my shit again."

"Why do you never let people help you?" Darlene yells. "Why can't you realize that you don't have to go through shit alone? You're always doing this, you're always pushing me away, never telling me or anyone about things that could very much harm you? Or not even shit that you do that puts your life in danger? Why don't you just talk to me? That's all I want Elliot. I want you to talk to me. Tell me when you're feeling like shit! Or tell me anything that's going on your life. I care about you Elliot, I want to be in your life."

"I don't want to worry you." Elliot lamely says. 

"It worries me when you're gone for days on end. It worries me when I don't hear from you for weeks. If you really didn't want me to worry, you'd tell me shit."

"I-I'm sorry." Elliot says. That stops Darlene dead in her tracks. Elliot never apologizes. "You're right. You don't deserve this. You deserve better. I want to be better. For you. For us." Elliot fumbles over his words, feeling awkward and out of place. "I know I get in my head way too much. I know I'm terrible when it comes to thinking about other people."

 _It's just that my thoughts get too heavy._ Elliot thinks. _I don't want them to weight anyone else down._

Darlene stares at him, taken aback, not used to apologies. "I regretted saying all those things to you that day I returned Flipper." she whispers. "But I was too stubborn. I didn't want to forgive you." Her hands are shaking, he notices it when she brings the cigarette to her mouth. "I thought you left forever when I came to your apartment and your shit was gone. Even Flipper. And there was no note, nothing. I blocked your number so if you called I didn't get the voicemail or whatever. But it made me think about the time I left you. I didn't even tell you I was leaving town, I wanted to hurt you. I thought, 'shit. This is his revenge. He's actually gone'. Because before you'd disappear for weeks or you wouldn't talk to me or Angela for weeks but at least I always knew where to find you, that'd you come back. I'd break into your apartments during your lapses and see everything was still there. But coming to your apartment knowing you were gone, and maybe for good, that shit killed me. And I was angry, and upset, but I mostly missed you. It's funny, whenever you're with me, I can't stand you. You can be a massive, cold asshole. But when we're apart, I realized I can't live without you. You're my family, the only family that matters. It's always been you and me against the world, against the monsters in our lives. It's just- no matter what you do Elliot, I want you, no, _need_ you to understand that you have me. Always."

"And you have me." Elliot replies. "I'm sorry for not always being there for you. Or not hearing you out. I'm sorry I'm such an asshole sometimes."

Darlene laughs, her eyes still watery. "We come from a family of assholes. You have to deal with my assholery too." 

"At least I only have to deal with just you." Elliot wryly says. "You have to deal with not just one asshole, but multiple assholes in one body."

Darlene doesn't laugh, her face sober. "They protect you. And love you." She replies. She alarms both him and Mr. Robot by making eye contact with Mr. Robot."I'd deal with those assholes any day."

She rests her head on his shoulder, stubbing out her cigarette against the bench. He rests his chin against her head and closes his eyes.

"I missed you." she whispers, his shoulder getting wet.

"I missed you too."

* * *

At the end of the week is Elliot’s birthday. They celebrate at home and the whole day feels surreal to Elliot. He never thought he would live to see 30, but then again, each passing birthday feels surreal to him that he’s continued to live this long. They throw a little party, inviting Tyrell's friends. It's interesting seeing the two worlds collide. Darlene has the same reaction to the group of Swedes, bumping him in the arm with her grumbling, "They're all fucking models, this is fucking unfair this whole country is full of models." 

"I also never thought I'd ever see you at an event with more than four other people." Dom teases.

Elliot sheepishly shrugs, not knowing what to say. The time they've been in Sweden, Elliot's had attended more dinner parties than he'd ever attended in his 29 years of life. The thing about being with Tyrell was the realization that Tyrell was a Real Adult. Tyrell had been a Real Adult since his mid twenties. He hosted and attended dinner parties with Joanna, drank wine, schmoozed with people. All for the sake of power. Or at least that had been the case in America. In Sweden it was different. They hosted and went to dinner parties because Tyrell wanted to hang out with his friends. It was for the sake of what Dinner Parties were: friendship. 

It shocked Tyrell when Elliot agreed to go with Tyrell to these events. It was almost an unstated rule in their relationship before they came to Sweden: Elliot would never attend any dinner parties or events where Tyrell had to smchooze and be around unpleasant corporate assholes. So Tyrell was shocked the first time he mentioned he was going to a party Nils was throwing and Elliot asked when _they_ were going.

Elliot's main reasons for pushing himself to go out with Tyrell were:

1\. Elliot needed to convince Tyrell's friends he wasn't a waste of Tyrell's time. He knows they'd be too nice to say anything. Ever since they came to Sweden and Elliot discovered that Tyrell had actual friends, Elliot felt like he had to get to know them better. These people were important to Tyrell. He remembers Angela telling him several times that "if you care about someone, you try to get to know the people they surround themselves with, Elliot." She would say this about her work friends, all her exes, Ollie. He remembers thinking how wrong Angela was.

But now she's dead. The least he could do was try to listen to her advice. Angela was almost never wrong. 

2\. With the inclusion of Erik in his life, it made Elliot come to the realization that he was in this thing with Tyrell for the long haul. For once in his life, he was thinking about the future. And that future included Tyrell and Erik in it. He couldn't imagine life without him (well he could, but that was only when he was spiraling downwards).

And with Tyrell as a Real Adult, that meant that Elliot had to step up and be a Real Adult. He had to support Tyrell too, and if that meant going with him to events he didn't really want to go to, then he'd do it.

This was all in preparation for when they went back to the US and the world would know that he and Tyrell were together. The CEO of the largest corporation in the world can't just disappear for four months without people paying attention.

So Elliot went to these dinner parties with Tyrell, mostly listening and not talking to Tyrell's friends and the friends of friends. The saving grace for these parties was always Astrid. They would often tuck themselves away in a corner and Elliot would listen to Astrid ramble on and on.

"We're party buddies." Astrid declared. 

It even came to a point where Elliot would know about a party before Tyrell would tell him because he'd get a text from Astrid saying: _i s2g if u dont come to ruben's party i will kill u!!!! i cant stand the pretentious chef types he's friends with,_ accompanied by several puking emojis.

Elliot in no way was friends with most of Tyrell's friends. Elliot didn't really make friends. They were pleasant and kind, and he's sure both parties have mutual respect for the other, they didn't click with him the same way they clicked with Tyrell. 

But Astrid clung onto him since the first day they met. And Elliot couldn't really say he minded. She was cool, funny, sarcastic. She looked nothing like Darlene but it was eerie how alike the two were. 

That's probably why Elliot liked her.

Astrid was the only one of Tyrell's friends who he would consider one of his few friends. It even came to a point where Tyrell would playfully lament that Astrid was better friends with Elliot than him, even though they have only known each other for a few months. 

It was strange seeing Darlene and Astrid meet for the first time. Darlene was of course a bit stand offish, deciding to distrust Tyrell's friends from the get go. Either Astrid doesn't notice the hostility or doesn't care and they quickly get on like a house on fire. 

For some reason this relieves Elliot. 

Elliot doesn't notice how long the party has gone on for until Tyrell comes out with a cake with candles to the backyard. The party sings happy birthday and Elliot can't help but make eye contact with Darlene from across the table, who's singing along and smiles a small smile.

Elliot can't remember the last time he had a birthday cake.

"Babe, make a wish." Tyrell says, wrapping an arm around Elliot's waist. In his other arm Erik, who is staring very excitedly at the candles. 

"Here, give me the baby." Elliot replies as Erik reaches out for him. "We'll blow out the candles together, how does that sound?"

"Yay!" Erik cheers and Elliot can't help but laugh.

"Okay, sorry if your slice gets covered in baby spit. Kid's never blown out candles." Elliot jokes.

And for once, his joke lands, the group rippling with laughter.

"It's okay," Siri says, leaning against her husband. "You get used to the spit." 

"Blow out the candles already!" Darlene says. "I don't want to eat wax!"

"Jesus okay, calm down." Elliot replies. He looks at Erik. "Are you ready? One, two, three." The two lean over and blow the candles out, it admittedly taking a couple of tries because Elliot is so preoccupied with making sure Erik doesn't lean over too much and catch fire and with Erik's tiny lung capacity. 

The party winds down and eventually it's just him and darlene in the garden, smoking and chatting.

"I never thought I'd see a day you'd be at a party." Darlene jokes.

"Well, I can't exactly not attend a party thrown in my honor." Elliot replies. 

"Don't doubt yourself. I can 100% see you purposely missing your own party." Darlene jokes. Darlene suddenly becomes solemn. "We're not exactly used to celebrating another year around the sun."

They both stay quiet for a moment. "You know, it was almost like an out of body experience." Elliot carefully says. "The whole time, I couldn't believe that this day was happening. That I was turning 30. Although, I feel like every birthday is shocking if I even bother to remember it. I keep passing ages I never thought I'd live to see. I never thought I'd live to see my 20s. I thought, surely I would have offed myself by now. Turning 30 was even more unfathomable. And yet, I'm 30. I made it. And maybe for the first time in my life, I want to live to see the year after this."

"Isn't weird? Having things to look forward to?" Darlene asks. "Having a reason to want to continue going on."

"It's fucking weird." Elliot replies, cracking a lazy smile.

Darlene can't help but laugh. "Yeah, really fucking weird. What the fuck happened to us? Happy? Unheard of."

The two of them break out into fits of laughter.

“I really loved being here.” Darlene says, her breathing staggered from coming down from laughter.. “I hope we can visit more in the future.”

“We’re not staying here.” Elliot replies. “We’re going back to New York next month I think.” Elliot adds that they have no choice since E Corp would strangle Tyrell if he didn't come back to run the company. 

Darlene smiles. “Good. It would suck if you lived in Sweden forever. I need to be able to bug you in person and flying here every weekend would be too expensive.” They both laugh and fall into a comfortable silence.

"But, come back soon." Darlene adds, poking at Elliot's side. "I missed you."

Elliot jabs her back and she twinges. "Missed you too."

* * *

It’s strange, packing away their life. They came to Europe with nothing and now they’re filling boxes upon boxes of things they’re going to ship back to New York. 

On their last day in Sweden, Elliot and Tyrell sit in their empty living room, sharing a pizza. Erik is in bed and they worry about how he’ll adjust to the time difference. Elliot’s agreed to stay the week at Tyrell’s place to help settle Erik in.

It’s still a point of contention between Tyrell and Elliot that Elliot’s not moving in. Elliot insisted on still having his own place. “I like where I live.” Elliot argued. “And I want a space where it’s just me, as much as I love both you and Erik, I want to live in my apartment.”

But for now, they sit in their living room, looking out towards their backyard. “I’m gonna miss this place.” Tyrell admits. “Being here was like our own private little sanctuary. In New York, people will talk about us coming back.”

“It’ll be okay.” Elliot replies. “We’ll have each other to keep afloat.” He looks around at their empty house, feeling a pang of sadness. “But I will too. Maybe we can live here during the summer? It can be our summer home?”

Tyrell lights up at that idea, and the fact that Elliot spoke in terms of the far future with them together. “Yeah, yeah. That’d be nice.” Tyrell replies, placing a hand on Elliot’s thigh. “Look at you, you’re someone with a summer home now.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Elliot laughs, leaning over and kissing Tyrell. Tyrell kisses back. The kiss is slow but goes nowhere. They just savor the moment. 

“How are you feeling?” Tyrell asks, looking into Elliot’s eyes.

“Really good.” Elliot replies.

And for the first time in a long time, he isn’t lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow what a whirlwind, amirite? Thank you so much for reading. This was the final chapter. I'm probably gonna write an epilogue after this but maybe not. But! I am going to write at least two one offs in this universe. I'm definitely going to write about the week Elliot was under and write Tyrell's POV of that whole week, so we'll see Mr. Robot and the Mastermind out and about for that! That will come out before the epilogue to this. But after the epilogue I'm gonna write a Tyrelliot proposal and then maybe after that their honeymoon! But lmk what you guys think! Comments and kudos are appreciated, especially after this behemoth of a chapter! Thank you for reading and see you next chapter!
> 
> 7-29-20 Edit: Okay, hi, I hope you enjoyed all the extra goodies. What really got me through this two month period is Raleigh Ritchie's music, but more specifically his sophomore album, Andy. If there was an artist that can perfectly capture Elliot in song, it's Raleigh Ritchie. So if you want to know what I ws listening to nonstop for these past two months, listen to Andy. Okay, it's 2 am and I'm tired. Thanks for tuning in for maybe the last time bc Idk if i will edit the last chapter. okay bye.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas Eve. All is well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Friends, before you start, I just want to thank you all for your support during this writing process. Before this fic, I had not written a fic in six years. I don't think I wrote for pleasure actually in those six years. That was when my mental illness was at its worst and I couldn't find joy it anymore. I was really nervous writing this. For the longest time I told myself I wasn't a good writer and that nobody would want to read anything I wrote. I almost didn't post this fic because I was convinced that no one would read it, or if they did read it, they'd hate it. But you all proved me wrong. You liked it. And the fact that people actually liked what I had to say really moved me and kept me writing. I'm gonna write more mushy shit at the end, but I don't want to make this author's note super long. So please enjoy this chapter!

Despite popular belief, Elliot didn’t always hate Christmas. When he was a kid, Christmas was his favorite holiday. He loved the lights, the food his mom made (because as horrible as a woman she was, she was an amazing cook), and for once his family acted like they actually liked each other. They were never rich by any means, but that’s when his mom and dad would really put their money together and get him and Darlene at least one really great present. 

But after his dad died and he grew older and more aware of how terrible life ws, he lost that love of Christmas. Every Christmas since he moved out at 18 was spent alone, usually in a drug addled haze. Sometimes he and Darlene would spend the holiday together, but it was rare and in between. Last Christmas was probably one of the worst Christmases of his life.

But his 30th Christmas? 

He never thought he’d be spending Christmas Eve in Tyrell Wellick’s house.

That same Tyrell Wellick he thought died in the woods this very same day last year. 

But here he was, in the presence of a very much alive Tyrell Wellick, watching him wrap presents with deadly accuracy. If there was anything he learned about Tyrell, it is that he did everything with perfection. It was almost midnight and Erik was sound asleep. The two men plus Flipper were in Tyrell’s living room drinking glogg, Swedish mulled wine. Elliot was sitting across from Tyrell, watching and cheering on his boyfriend as he wrapped presents. Flipper was snoozing soundly on Elliot’s lap. Tyrell got frustrated at how non-elegant Elliot was wrapping, so eventually Elliot gave up and let Tyrell do all the work, with Elliot writing the labels and sticking them onto each box.

They had decided to raise Erik with the knowledge that Santa isn’t real. Tyrell was more inclined to let the boy believe in the myth but Elliot argued that they should teach Erik to be grateful for the people in his life and to realize that it was the people who loved him who were getting him presents, not Santa. The kid was one and a half, so they didn’t have to worry yet about Erik spilling the beans to other children. 

Tomorrow, they were going to have Christmas brunch with Darlene and Dom coming over before they had to go to New Jersey for DiPierro Christmas dinner. Darlene announced that she would be spoiling the fuck out of Erik. “Because as a working woman, I actually have money to spend this year. This kid is gonna get so much fucking shit, it’s gonna be WILD. He’ll love me forever.” She had also added that she and Dom would be spoiling Flipper as well.

“What about Dom’s nephews?” Elliot asked, trying to contain his laughter.

“It’s Erik’s first Christmas in America!” Darlene replied. “Gotta make this one special!”

Elliot looked outside the large window in the living room and watched fluffy flakes of snow fall and for once, New York City seemed quiet. He took another sip of glogg and turned his attention to his boyfriend. “Almost done?” he asked.

“Almost, no thanks to you.” Tyrell teases as he makes an exact crease. 

“You’re very bossy.” Elliot replies, smirking. “I thought my gift wrapping skills were decent.”

“We don’t want to be giving people ugly presents.” Tyrell argues.

“I don’t get it. They’re going to rip the wrapping apart anyway. Why should it matter if it looks nice?” Elliot asks.

“It shows that we care.” Tyrell replies. 

“You’re probably one of those freaks who opens presents without ripping the paper.” Elliot laughs, a bit tipsy. Tyrell made the glogg a bit strong and Elliot was definitely feeling the side effects. 

“We’ll you’re dating this freak who doesn’t rip paper, so who’s really the loser here?” Tyrell teases back, taping the final present shut. He slides the present across the carpet at Elliot, who leans over and puts a sticker label on it and a bow. He slides it back to Tyrell, who gets up and puts it under the tree.

The whole tree thing was new for Elliot too. Growing up, his family had this second hand plastic Christmas tree. It was kind of sad looking, but with enough elbow grease and artful draping of string lights and baubles, it looked presentable. When Elliot was a teenager, his mom got rid of “that hideous fucking thing” for good and after that, their house had no Christmas tree. And for all of his adult life, he and Darlene didn’t bother to celebrate Christmas, so he kind of forgot that trees were a thing.

Tyrell, being the red blooded Swede he was, balked when Elliot proposed they get a fake tree. “Why the fuck would we get a fake tree?” Tyrell asked, not quite recovering from the shock of the century. “When real trees are far superior?” Tyrell was firmly pro-real tree and explained to Elliot that in Sweden, everyone he knew went out to the actual forest and cut down their own tree. 

“We’re going to get a real tree.” Tyrell insisted. When Elliot informed Darlene they were getting a real tree, she immediately hopped onto the trip with Dom.

“Dom and I literally had this same conversation. Her family does real trees and I never got it, but she insists we get a real tree.” Darlene exclaims. 

So they make a day out of it. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, they drive up in separate cars to somewhere in upstate New York. Elliot has no idea what they need, so he’s shocked to see Tyrell with an axe and rope. When they meet Dom and Darlene, Dom and Tyrell have a fun time discussing how they can’t believe their respective Alderson sibling had never had a real tree.

“Sorry we grew up poor, jackasses.” Darlene huffed as she leaned over and covered Erik’s ears. 

“Well, no fear, now you’ll discover the wonders of a real tree.” Dom teased, hooking her arm around Darlene and pulling her close for a kiss.

They walk among the various pines for a while, Elliot hanging back and letting the three of them decide which trees would be the best. Elliot really has no opinion on a tree. Darlene, although never experiencing the raw pleasure of a real tree is putting her two cents in. He carries Erik on one arm and in another hand Flipper’s leash. He spends most of the time pointing at things with Erik and encouraging the nonsensical babble that comes out of the baby’s mouth.

The group finally settles on two trees, an eight foot one for Tyrell’s place and a five foot one for Dom and Darlene’s apartment. Elliot does not admit until he and Tyrell are alone in their bedroom how hot and bothered Elliot got witnessing Tyrell chop down a tree with ease. 

“I didn’t know you were so good with an axe.” Elliot would murmur against Tyrell’s lips as his hands smooth over Tyrell’s biceps.

“I have a lot of experience chopping wood.” Tyrell teased. In their post-coital haze, Tyrell would go on and explain that he actually did have a lot of experience chopping wood since his father made him do it constantly as a boy and the months Elliot was in prison, Tyrell was in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do but plan Step 2 and chop wood. 

When they got back to New York, they agreed that Darlene and Dom would come one day to help decorate their tree and Elliot, Tyrell, Erik, and Flipper would come over the next day to help decorate theirs. 

Erik really got a kick out of hanging various things off a tree. They had to stop the child multiple times from eating the pine needles though, since Erik liked the smell so much. Elliot was worried that Flipper would assume the tree was a tree she could pee on though, to which Tyrell drily remarked that at least she’d keep the tree watered.

“You’re lucky you don’t live in Tyrell and don’t have to deal with the stupid tree.” Darlene tells him one day when they’re both stoned on Elliot’s couch. “The needles are fucking everywhere and I didn’t realize you had to keep watering the thing. Thank god Dom lives with me or I’d forget and let the thing shrivel and die.”

That was still a point of contention between him and Tyrell. Tyrell wanted him to move in and Elliot was practically moved in with his own side of the closet and a couple of his personal items living at Tyrell’s place. But Elliot still insisted on living in his own apartment. It was sort of out of pride but Elliot had this unwritten rule he set for himself the first time he moved out of the Alderson house that no matter what, he’d live alone. He wouldn’t break that rule unless Tyrell did something crazy like marry him or something, which was nowhere on the table yet. 

It made it harder to resist moving in once Erik came into the picture though. Erik had latched onto Elliot as his other parent, and not putting him to bed every night as he did in Sweden did things to Elliot’s heart that he did not anticipate. But Elliot held out, he still had his own place.

“A penny for your thoughts, darling?” Tyrell asked Elliot, bringing him back into the real world. Tyrell had stood up and reached out his hand for Elliot to take. Elliot placed Flipper on the floor and grabbed Tyrell’s hand, letting the man pull him up. 

“Nothing super important.” Elliot replies, stretching his limbs out before throwing himself onto the couch, in which Tyrell follows in suit, with Flipper jumping up and taking her customary spot on the edge of the couch against the arm rest. They’re both a little tipsy. Tyrell made the glogg, and as somebody who could chug a whole bottle of vodka, it was pretty strong.

“I treasure all your thoughts.” Tyrell replies, turning his head and smiling at Elliot. “Every single one of your thoughts are important.”

“You only say that because you’re fucking obsessed with me, you weirdo.” Elliot teases, scooting towards Tyrell and resting his head on Tyrell’s shoulder. 

Tyrell throws an arm around Elliot and holds him tight. “But really, what were you thinking?” Tyrell asked. “You spaced out.”

“I was just thinking about us, about Christmas in general.” Elliot hums, feeling toasty and warm. ‘“I was thinking about how lucky I am to have this life. How this will be the first Christmas I’m not spending alone in about ten years.”

“And are you happy?” Tyrell asks.

Without second guessing himself, Elliot responds, “Yes. I am very happy.”

“Good. I am too.” Tyrell kisses the top of Elliot’s head. He pulls out his phone and looks at the time. “Speaking of happiness, it’s Christmas now.”

“Oh shit, Merry Christmas.” Elliot replies, sitting up straighter and facing Tyrell.

Tyrell laughs and looks fondly at Elliot. “Merry Christmas, Elliot.” And Elliot can’t help it, he leans forward and kisses Tyrell, who reciprocates gladly. 

It was Christmas morning. And for once in Elliot’s life, everything was alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Friends, thank you so much on going on this journey with me. Writing this was honestly the highlights of my New Year. My New Year's resolution was to be a better artist, and honestly, I think with this fic, I became a better artist. I stopped doubting myself with this art form and really just went for it. And honestly it was really therapeutic writing this. Most of Elliot's inner thoughts and actions stemmed from my own struggle with depression and anxiety. A lot of what I wrote were once my thoughts and feelings about myself and my own existence. But what made it all easier to write about it was knowing that I was past these feelings, and that although they may come back one day that at this moment in my life, I'm free from all the self hate I've been writing about. I'm also really stoked that so many people liked this little fic. When this hit a hundred kudos, I remember screaming, I was so excited. 
> 
> Now, you might be wondering, what's next fvtvrecatlady? Well, if you haven't read it yet, I uploaded a one shot of Tyrell's POV of the week Elliot was under. Please go read that, I think it's a pretty bitchin fic. But after this, I will be uploading a one shot that will take place a few years later after the end of this story. So please be on the look out for that. But after that, I'm not so sure what I will do with this account. I'm not sure I will write any more Mr. Robot fic after that one shot or really any fic at all. 
> 
> And if this is goodbye forever, then, Goodbye, Friends. It's been a good ride.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I hope you enjoyed it. My twitter is @kati_why so if you wanna scream at me there go ahead? Not sure if I want to continue this? I think there will be at least one more chapter but I don't know. If you liked it, please tell me? Then I guess I will write more? Sorry none of it was edited and it was probably a train wreck to read, but if you made it this far, congrats.


End file.
